I know in my case my mother has always stayed with my step dad for financial reasons. She overlooked my abuse and She is very emotionally needy and vulnerable to manipulation which of course the sociopath is all to good at. The level of head games she has lived with is hard to break away and actual see the truth and do something about it. She actually told my brother the online pedophile searches were just fantasy and nothing more. This tells you how unhealthy her ability to see things apart from his twist. She is willing to believe the lie so her own comfort is not disturbed. She automatically went to a stance of I'm making it up and this was always going to happen. I don't know what to say accept these people require a great deal of intervention to break through the denial and the family would rather keep it status quo than deal with helping intervene.

I would love for her to endure a lengthy prison sentence of her husband it's only a matter of time. I don't know how I could or would reconcile with her but I am working in forgiving and moving on. I see no reason to accept such unacceptable behavior on the part of my family and see no reason or desire to be apart of a family that would turn against a three year old girl that had been sexually abused. I would not be proud to be apart if that.

I also would not want to teach my children that that type of behavior should be accepted and I'd hope they would absolutely do the same. Abuse should not be tolerated or accepted for any reason.

I agree with everyone else. We've also lost relationships that we thought we never would. My MIL refused to believe the truth about the abuse my child suffered. She said things like maybe the perp was talked into admitting more than he'd done and that maybe some of it was just normal experimenting type of stuff. It immediately destroyed the relationship I had with her (which to be honest, wasn't the greatest anyway). She was in such denial that she was trying to think of any other possibility to explain what had happened. Over time, she said she realized it did happen but she believes that because the perp is a juvenile and that he admitted it and is in therapy that everything is fine. I guess I'm trying to say that it seems people want to remain in denial rather than face the fact that these horrible things can happen in our families. It's hard, very hard. I hope you can learn to let go a little and accept your new relationship with your MIL. You likely won't change her thinking. As far as your child mourning the relationship; I suggest trying to fill in time with fun activities and quality time with you. The one good thing that came out of our situation is that my husband and I both spend much more quality time and appreciate our children so much more. This made me realize how quick their childhood goes by and we take advantage of our time together.

My FIL also was the perp in our family. My MIL still didn't believe it happened even after her own daughter told her that he had abused her as a child as well. She doesn't want to believe it. She may eventually come to the truth and finally accept it, but honestly it doesn't matter. It will never change the fact that she betrayed all of us.

It's comforting (yet sad) to see that so many of us have the same experience. Thanks for sharing.

My mom said she stayed with him because she forced him to confess. And she did but I would have done anything to get the truth without keeping a promise. He betrayed all of us, especially her. She is also very religious and felt it was her duty to stand by him.
I really don't know why she eventually let him go. I KNOW that he sexually abused my niece as well. Maybe she has had the time to come to terms with all that he has done? We never talk about it, honestly because I still don't understand why she stayed. If my husband abused anyone I would have killed him myself!

Dear Mamablue,

I have not been posting for a while, but I have kept reading the forum. I had a series of computer related problems and finally lost the password for my previous username, which used to be ThreeMusqueteers, as some other mothers, like Naive and HeartSadfor3, may remember. By the way, dear Naïve and Heart, lots of things have happened in my life since my last post, several months ago…

Mamablue, I wanted to tell you that your story shares many points with nine> our initial reluctance to post here, online, our suffering... Two of my sons, boys, were raped for a long tine by their grandfather during the very first years of their lives. The eldest disclosed around a year ago, the abuses included rape, child videotaping, porn exhibition and... group rape by my father in law and his circle of pedophile buddies, both men and women... yes, a nightmare I cannot describe.). Where was I when that happened? It makes ne sick to say> I was hospitalized several times, for days in a row, with a third high risk pregnancy, trusting my babies to the perverts…

As soon as we knew, and before going to the police, I confronted the pervert along with my husband. The rapist denied everything and threatened to kill me (him, who had always appeared to be the sweetest and kindest old man on earth!!! My husband was petrified!).

The pedophile’s wife, who also used to be very close to me and her son (my husband), as well as my husbands sister, not only denied the issue, but took sides with the child rapist. She is also highly educated, as we are.

Things got even worse> they hired a team of criminal lawyers which are amongst the best paid in our country and decided that the best defense would be attacking... since the pervert and his wife would not dare to attack their own son directly... they targeted... me. I was already dealing with the PTSD of my two babies (raped at least from the ages 1 to 2 years old until they were 2 and 4, respectively....). They invented so many absurd issues to try to eliminate my credibility... to summarize, every accusation was disregarded during the long court process due to the total lack of any ground, absolutely no witnesses to support their lies...

But they insisted and are still creating horrible accusations against me, especially that I am crazy and that I made everything up to destroy the lives of my in laws, whom I considered... my best friends, almost my parents!!! Believe it?

My sons innocence has been betrayed and destroyed by two perverts (my eldest revealed several months later that my mother in law knew about the abuses but the angel innocently believes that she did not protect him or told us because she kept forgetting about what granddaddy did....) and I am still having to go through the process of being psychologically assessed, my life investigated by the defendants private detectives, etc.... they found nothing, of course. I remain strong although we are all being treated of our severe PTSD symptoms.

The people we thought would support us most, my mother in law and their daughter, lied to the police (so grossly that they afterwards, as our prosecutor told us, were advised by their own lawyers to go backwards and stop repeating the obvious lies because the judge could eventually loose her patience....).

We were already heard in court (my husband and I and our witnesses). At one point of my hearing the judge covered her mouth trying to conceal her horror when I recalled how my eldest said his granddaddy medicated him after the rapes, to disguise the babies subsequent pain and fever).

In two weeks the pedophile will be heard in court. I am having nightmares everyday/night and in spite of my very successful EMDR treatment, symptoms have worsened these days due to the proximity of the new court day. What if the monster manages to escape?

I have to go back to work know, but I wanted to share this update and say hello to all. I have found so much comfort in this site. Thank you!

Mamablue, you are not alone. My children are doing a lot better today, after months of counseling with play therapy and children trauma focused EMDR. There is really light at the end of the tunnel. If you ever have the chance, please take a look at the last chapter of the book Hurt, by Julia Webb... it seems to tell our in story, and is a real case based on the stories of some of the parents from the great online group Mosac.net. Also please try to read the book by Caren Adams and Jennifer Fay How to Help your Child Recovering from Sexual Abuse, a short handbook with suggestions of what a mother should tell her child during every step of recovery, court proceedings, etc.… Wonderful and helpful!

A hug to you all!

Wow. Thank you for sharing all of that with me. Our cases do share a lot of similarities, though my heart goes out to you because yours sounds so horrific!

Thank you for the book recommendations--I'll read those right away.

I'm concerned about the defense doing a similar thing--hiring private investigators and making up lies. There's nothing for them to find, of course, but the hassle and delay of it will be another blow.

It's like there's the primary crime of the abuse and then a million subsequent crimes of causing pain to all around him. The longer it takes for him to admit what he did, the worse the crime is, in my eyes.

I'll be thinking of you for your upcoming court date. Much love!

3Musqueteers!!!! I am so glad to hear from you, and grateful that you remember me, too. I'm horrified by what you're going through -- STILL. Lordy, the abuser and his supporters must be terrified that others will learn, and believe, what they have done.

Keep in touch, if you like, as the testimony date nears. Gosh, you have all my support.

My prayers that you prevail in court and that your stress is reduced!