Unfortunately most of us here have experienced significant losses in family. My mother does not believe or support my daughter even after significant proof and disclosure. My children also loved her and her husband and saw them weekly. They were the most involved family we had on both sides. We have had no contact for two years and don't plan too. There have been some where after the perp is in jail they come around. I don't know what to tell you because I don't understand myself why my mom has made the choices she has. My kids have adjusted it took a long time but I just emphasized that their safety is more important than their sad feelings. I told them I felt sad too and wished it could be different. I've tried to find other people to fill the holes left by family It is hard. But you are not alone. Don't settle for a relationship just for a relationship...you deserve better you deserve support, love and help during this not disbelief. She needs to make it right and offer support and you can let her know that but most likely she is in,denial and hopefully she will come out of it.

I agree with heartsad - our abuse was my nephew, and he admitted to a fraction of what was disclosed, and my sister still denies that anything more could have happened. My daughter was 4 at disclosure also and we have not seen my sister or her family since that day. My daughter was told what he admitted to, and told me that he is not telling the truth, so I explained that since he can't tell the truth it isn't safe for us to be around him and my job is to keep her safe - but none of what happened was her fault (very important to reinforce that your child didn't do anything wrong). I miss my sister, and think daily about the situation - we were very close and lived within walking distance to each other (and my mother). My mother's relationship with my sister has drastically changed in that my sister feels like she "sided" with us, she still talks to my mother and sees her some, but their relationship will never be where it was - and that makes me incredibly sad for my mother. Unfortunately I think that this is the case in the majority of cases. When discussing it with my then 12 year old son I said, "this is one of the worst things we will ever go through - the only thing worse would be a death" to which he wisely replied "no mom, I think this is worse than death, we didn't lose one person, we lost a whole family". Denial is strong and no one wants to think of someone they love doing such unspeakable, unthinkable things - I get that, but I have one job, and that is to protect my daughter. Life is hard, but it goes on, and time does not change it, but it makes does get better with time. Continue to support your son, tell him how brave he was, tell him how he is not at fault. My daughter doesn't mention it anymore, she doesn't even talk about it when we see pictures of their family (we were just looking at my son's baby book tonight). Kids are resilient and recover from things much better than we do! Good luck, mourn your loss because it is a loss, and realize there is nothing you can do to change anything or make it better. (((HUGS)))

My FIL also abused my children. My MIL and 3 out of 4 of my husband's brothers think we are liars. His one brother that is still in our life also has two children that were abused by my FIL. I will never understand how a man can abuse 5 out of 7 of his grandchildren and still have people believe his innocence. He is in prison for 50 years (he is 74).

It hurts like hell to lose half of your family. Death is much easier to understand than deceit and denial.

I also tried to fill the holes left in our family, traditions, etc. The holes can not be filled and the family can not be replaced. We just come to realize "it is what it is" and my children have learned to deal with it.

They know the truth. They know they are strong and brave. They know it is ok to miss that family. Even to still love the monster that abused them. I have never told them their feelings are wrong. Even though I cringe to hear it and I have yet to find forgiveness of the sin committed against my children.

I am sorry for your hell. We are all in it. Whatever help and support we can give and /or share, we will. Some days this site is the only thing that got me through. Just knowing I'm not alone and that all of my "friends" here are living through it. I know I can too. I did and I continue to.

We have English speaking people that communicate on this site from across the globe... Australia... Canada and in between.
It seems that this is a highly predictable outcome of incest / child sex abuse.
It is a common societal response to rather believe it a beautiful lie than accept the ugly truth.
Child sex abuse is very common yet it is so difficult to prove.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Your mom is not abnormal in her response. Her response is actually quite the norm... Unfortunately.
As hurtful as she is to you and your child, perhaps you can find some forgiveness for her in this light. This doesn't mean to tolerate her denial, just saying her response would be so much more outrageous if her response was unlike most others. She's human and it appears that many people experience this. It's so sad and very much a reality to most of this board.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

Mobley4100-Your son is very wise. I agree. It would be easier in many ways if my mother-in-law had died in an accident. Then we would have had a funeral and grieved as a family and could talk about happy memories of her and how we'll miss her. Now I miss her but I'm also furious with her.

On that note, 96Percent, I know I will feel some sort of forgiveness in time.

Is there a study out there someone can point me to that shows how statistically kids don't lie about this? She is incredibly academic and I know it probably won't change her mind, but any little bit helps...

My dear -
Your mom is so mistaken. This is how terribly mistaken she is. The answer to your question is
0-2% of children lie about this stuff. Sadly... Even worse is that the 2% are actually indeed sexually abused children but they lie about the name of the person who abused them in order to protect their abuser from trouble.
Here's the research
You can send this fact sheet to your mom and if clarifies other myths and cross references every study at the end.
I called the woman who compiled this list and questioned her. "How come your results say this but there are other studies on the Internet that I have stumbled upon otherwise"
Her response was this - all of the research quoted in her fact sheet are valid scientific studies. Anything that supports the other side is NOT valid scientific research - in fact she went on to say that you will NOT find any scientific research ever that supports the other side. I found her explanation to be true. It's only garbage "research" that supports the other side. For example...
One study I read on a lawyers website "a group of 150 CPS workers were polled. It is their belief that 10-as many as 30% of mothers maliciously fabricate sex abuse allegations in the context of divorce". This is an example of garbage research. It only reflects opinion and demonstrates how inept and uneducated that group of CPS workers is. Compare that with "a pedophile videotaped all of his 150 encounters with his child victims. We interviewed each child to better understand the ways children disclose. Only 11% disclosed and no child exaggerated what happened to him/her"
That would be scientific research.

Here is the fact sheet
http://centerforjudicialexcellence.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/2008-FINAL-CSA-FACT-SHEET.pdf

Furthermore for example David Finkelhor PhD - he collaborates and is relied upon by the Workd Health Organization for child abuse / child sex abuse prevention. I highly doubt that the author of the "CPS thinks" study is relied upon this way.

So I think to help your mom understand further that if she researches this out on her own, direct her to have an eye for what is more scientific based research rather than relying on what is deceptive opinion.

I can relate,my daughters abuser was my nephew,His mother,my sisterlaw and I were best friends.We spoke every day.I miss her terribly and tried to have a relationship after disclosure but it bothered my daughter too much.While I would never put my wants above my daughter I just want to say we as parents are hurting too when it comes to estranged family.This abuse affects us all.My daughter is 12 so it is a litter easier for her to understand than a 4 year old. The sad truth is she will probably never side with you.I read something somewhere(I dont remember where because upon disclosure from my daughter I went crazy searching the web for everything I could)that said how family member react or choose sides when they are told is probably the way they truly feel.They normally dont change their minds,it is their gut reaction.Sad. Best to your family

My advice don't waste your time trying to convince someone or to keep convincing some one who won't be convinced. You are wasting your emotional energy that you need for your kids. The sooner you accept and move on the better for you and your family. You aren't responsible to make her see the light and be on your side. Really the best thing you can do is draw a definitive boundary with her that says. Unless you support me and my daughter 100 percent which means fully believing and accepting what happened, there will be no contact. Then it's up to her to get it together. You are doing everything right and everything that you need to do. Don't let this person second guess you and hurt you. The only people you need right now are those that will support you and help you move forward.

You don't have to close the door forever but you need some very strong boundaries If that door should open again. As far as your mother in law she is making her choices which is hers to make. She is choosing to throw away a relationship with you and her grandchildren, that's on her. You sound like a loving and wonderful daughter in law I'm sure there is nothing about you or your relationship ever that would cause your mother in law to disbelieve you or your daughter. There is nothing for you to do. She needs to on,her own as an adult and intelegent person seek out the truth If she doesn't it's because she doesn't want the truth. Please trust me I wrestled along time with this also I wrote my mom giving her every opportunity to believe me she chose not to. Letting go and moving on has been hard but that is the hand I'm dealt. I am doing the best with the pieces. I also believe in God and if I needed her to move forward than she would be here she's not so I must be better off today without her. I too would like resolution but it has to come from her. You can do this. You will feel a huge relief when you stop focusing on her and concentrating on your family.

That is very good advice. I know that letting go is probably the healthy thing to do. I guess I just haven't accepted the reality of this yet. I mean, I've accepted that my father-in-law did this. But I haven't accepted that our family has been torn apart.

@Mamablue (((HUGS))) - I completely agree with heartsadx3 - I sent my sister articles, I argued the argument, it doesn't matter, they are going to believe what they want to believe, and realize that part of that is a protective mechanism, I think my sister won't believe it because she would feel at fault - your mother-in-law doesn't want to come to grips that she could love someone who has done something so horrible. I also agree with the other posters - you find ways to fill the voids. This year for Christmas we went on a cruise, totally escaped all family and communication - and it was a great break. Not sure what are plans are going forward, but we have come to realize that this is our new normal. Good luck - over time it does get better - never gone, but better.

Unfortunately I do agree with heartsad, however... We all had to go through that process of giving loved ones our fighting chance to bring them to the light. That's the only way we can eventually let go knowing our family was given every opportunity so that when we do let go we can sleep w our head on our pillow at night.
But unfortunately heartsads prediction is correct for the majority of us.
So the liklihood of convincing your mom is slight. So sad.

I had one simple rule. If you dont beleive my daughters than you are of no use to our family. There is only onse side. The truth. The people here have all gone through this. Keep your focus on your child, repairing your family and stop thinking of how you feel. Yes that is harsh. But once you understand and embrace that concept it will help you get through this. If someone is unwilling to come over to the childs side than they are not deserving of your love. I am one of those that are not forgiving, do not find love in my heart nor believe it is Gods way. We had the worst betrayl for our families, our loving children were violated by someone that had their own selfish interests and perverse sexual fantasies applied. It makes me angry to think that we would want those vile people in our lives and thsoe that support them. It takes Years to get over the betrayal and then let them go. I cannot immagine ever letting anyone that would not be on the side of the truth to enter our lives again. I do not mean to sound so ugly but it is a reality that has to be dealt with. The surface anger does subside with time but the realization of what that person did and those that continue to support them just boils my blood. Peace is out there, it just takes time.

I am sorry this happened to your baby.
My mom said she believed my daughter from the beginning but she stayed with my dad, the perp until he he was in 2 years of his 14 year sentence. We had to let her go during that time. It just wasn't emotionally safe for any of us. It was terrible and heartbreaking to need my mom during the hardest time of my life. It is still weird between us and we have set non-negotiable boundaries.
This entire ordeal is full of grief. Time does help fade the pain, stress. Please try to find joy in your lives and appreciate the ones who do support you and your child.

Wow. I'm having such a hard time and it's my mother-in-law that is siding with the perp, not my actual mother. I can't imagine how terrible that must make you feel. I'm so sorry. I'm just curious, if you feel comfortable sharing--she said she believed your daughter from the beginning, so what made her stay? I'm trying to understand how a wife could stay under those circumstances.