Ozmum, when you wake, I hope you check in and find nothing but support here. I don't know all the politics that have gone before on this site. I DO know the anguish of disclosure and the desperation to find anything that feels like normal once did. That's why I continue to participate here. This is bigger than any of us can deal with alone. Here's to keeping this a peaceful, safe place for support. Hugs to you. Hang on!!

Ozmum - you are right!
In the back of my mind I was thinking to put my response on it's own post not to disturb you. I should have and you're right. I'm sorry.

I am also loyal to Laura because she has been VERY helpful and supportive of me. But you're right, I should have responded w my own new post. You're right Ozmum.

To Betrayed - because I am "on team Laura" it doesn't mean I have disregard to you. I am loyal to Laura and a supporter of her wisdom. Betrayed I too have needed to insert my foot in my mouth. I'm not perfect. I hope some of the things I have read from you that I am reading too far into them... Yet clearly, I'm not alone in this sentiment.

Naive - you're right - we should all work together and support each other.

I have to say all in all - all things said, all things done... That I'm taking a risk belonging to this site if perp ever discovered my postings - prob could in some weird way use them against me... But I find myself still needing to belong because this is the best advice on here. People in my shoes - understand more than any counselor.

I have also learned the hard long way - to LET THINGS GO. It's got to be my new self. The not trusting thing will drive you batty. The anger thing will drive you batty. Yet, I also think we can't suppress ourselves - so it's like you need to fall on your knees w the mistrust and anger to know it's a bad place and to have gotten it out of your system.

And to all Cathymathy, Betrayed, Ozmum, Laura - even when we disagree, we all need to be a supportive team. I see nothing wrong w being up front about hurt feelings. I hope NO ONE in this was motivated by any malintent

I really do not have energy for anything right now. Came close to losing dd15 last night. Not sure where to get help. Local medical system is not good for adolescents. Have barely slept. Dd and I both spent an hour on the crisis line yesterday before her suicide attempt. Life sucks.

Love, hugs and prayers to you both Oz.

Ah, God, Ozmum. I am so sorry. I can't even fathom what you are going thru. Hang in there! I'm not very religious, but I will be saying prayers for you!!!

Love and support and healing thoughts to you, Ozmum. Hold your children close and do what you need to do to get them the care they need. Don't worry about anything else -- sandwiches for dinner, no cleaning whatsoever. Be good to yourself. Talk about the amazing natural adventures you just had. Sit quietly together. Know you are supported, know that you're not alone, and please tell your daughter that her feelings are natural, and understandable, but that it doesn't mean she will actually do anything permanent. MOST people who have suffered CSA do get better, and it can happen for her. Please let her know that we all support her and want her to be safe -- we've seen the same fears and sadness in our own children, and we're all getting through this day by day. It WILL get better, we can promise!! BIG hugs to you.

Just spent the evening in hospital with daughter. Won't go into details, but she's not in a good way. This is on top of last night. To keep her safe she is staying with my very elderly parents, probably for the rest of this week. Now scared because of all the meds and sharp objects they have around the place. Just hoping that dd won't do anything there. It's the best we could think of for now. We need to get out of our house soon.

Hi Ozmum -
Clean ship (ignore unnecessary negativity - including what just happened on here - sorry)
Do things good for yourself like Naive said.
Do everything possible you can to ground yourself.
Keeping yourself grounded is what will help pull your daughter back too.
This is one if those opposite moments where your initial reaction is to make every move n breath for your daughter - but in actuality the best thing you can do is keep yourself grounded and strong to be able to help her.

Sending good thoughts to your family. I have been there and know how difficult this is. You are doing all the right things for her. Coming here really helped me during times like these. Hold on!!!

HUGS

If I might, I'd like to suggest that your daughter probably is safe at your parents' home. She doesn't want to scare THEM. She wants to to scare YOU. She is mad at you because you didn't protect her. That's not rational, of course, but it's the best a child can do in this horrible situation: to look for the nearest person it's safe to be angry at. Lucky us, moms, because when our children act out against us, it means they trust us to take the punishment, and somewhere inside they know we will forgive them. She certainly doesn't want her dear old grandparents to be the ones to find that she has harmed herself -- so she most likely won't harm herself as long as she is there. AND not ever, is my guess -- drama is really important if she wants to make you feel horrible, and right now, she wins! She also needs you to feel horrible because this pain is too much for her -- she is scared of how enraged and exposed she is feeling, and she needs to share that pain with you. Partly, although she's probably not overtly aware of it, she's watching to see how you'll react. If you freak out, she will know that she is the horrible person she must believe she is for having accepted her abuser's poor treatment for so long.

While your daughter still needs lots of support -- psychological and medical (psychiatric esp.) -- a cooling-off period at Gma and Gpa's may be just what she needs. And it may be just what you need. So really, take this opportunity to go for walks, to get down on the ground, or look up in the trees, and have a look at some of those amazing bugs and birds we hear you have in Australia. Breathe, play solitaire, paint your toenails. As 96Percent indicated, your daughter is looking to you to see how to get through this. Do it with style. And write anytime.

Ozmum62 I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry that this has happened and will pray for you, your daughter and your family. Stay strong as your daughter needs you. Things can only get better!

Since so many have attempted to clear the air here in recent days, I want to add my voice. A few days ago, I posted this response to Ozmum:

"If I might, I'd like to suggest that your daughter probably is safe at your parents' home. She doesn't want to scare THEM. She wants to to scare YOU. She is mad at you because you didn't protect her. That's not rational, of course, but it's the best a child can do in this horrible situation: to look for the nearest person it's safe to be angry at. Lucky us, moms, because when our children act out against us, it means they trust us to take the punishment, and somewhere inside they know we will forgive them. She certainly doesn't want her dear old grandparents to be the ones to find that she has harmed herself -- so she most likely won't harm herself as long as she is there. AND not ever, is my guess -- drama is really important if she wants to make you feel horrible, and right now, she wins! She also needs you to feel horrible because this pain is too much for her -- she is scared of how enraged and exposed she is feeling, and she needs to share that pain with you. Partly, although she's probably not overtly aware of it, she's watching to see how you'll react. If you freak out, she will know that she is the horrible person she must believe she is for having accepted her abuser's poor treatment for so long."

My apologies for appearing to blame a parent for her child's abuse by another member of the family. And my apologies for not fully absorbing that this poor child had actually attempted suicide.

Not one of us is responsible for our children's abuse. Evil opportunists who carefully stole their moments are the only ones to blame. I was trying to point out that it's a good thing if children trust us enough to be angry and act out in our presence, but I think it sounded as if I think they only do it for spite and attention. Well, yes, I DO believe they do it for attention, but not in a premeditated, cynical way. Rather, they act out in the honest way children do. In other words, kids who have been traumatized, and express themselves by acting, out do so because they need our help.

I was trying to impress upon the author of the original post that her daughter might be "safer" with her grandparents not because the mom posed any danger to her child, but because the child might be able to hold herself together better at her grandparents' house. Unfortunately, I phrased this really poorly, and regret the tone it conveyed. No one could love this child more than her mom, and I'm certain that this child holds her mom blameless. What I MEANT by "you didn't protect her" was not that this mom wouldn't have protected her child if she had known, but instead just the simple fact of that statement. NONE of us protected our children from their abusers children BUT IT WASN'T OUR FAULT, because very sneaky people with horrible motives found a way to get around us without our knowledge. Children look to their parents for protection, and often attribute to us parents some pretty superhuman qualities, and when we fail to live up to those expectations, it shatters just a little more of their innocence.

At the moment, clearly, Ozmum's child is feeling wildly vulnerable, and has actually done herself harm and survived. The seriousness of her situation kind of sailed over my head, and I read into Ozmum's post that her daughter was "merely" acting out. Wrong. While I agree that all of us parents need to take care of ourselves, and work on our own healing even as we try to help our children (they need us as role models of self-care looks), I certainly didn't mean to treat her daughter's stay at the grandparents' home as if it were a vacation for Ozmum. It sure sounds as if that's what I meant, though, and I'm so sorry for that. Of course I want Ozmum to take care of herself, but my (intended) message of support sounded awfully glib. If I had read such a reply were I in such a desperately scary place, I would have become angry and disgusted. I would have felt less than supported, that's for sure.

So, please, all of you who surely took offense at my post, forgive me for my lapse of judgment and for my spotty listening skills. My post was a big fail, and I'm so sorry for hurting anyone's feelings here. That is NEVER my intent. I expect others here to respond with tenderness of heart and soul; I hold myself accountable to the same standards.

Ozmum, I am so, so sorry about what is going on right now!! :( Please know that you and your sweet baby girl (both girls, but especially dd15 right now!!) are in my prayers!! I pray that God surrounds you will comfort and peace during this very difficult time. I am also praying for God's protection around your precious girl!! Gosh, I just wish I could do something for you, Ozmum!! Something tangible, like be right there helping you with dinner, errands, etc. I feel so helpless so far away. Prayer is very powerful and I am praying for you all constantly!! You are continually in my thoughts as well!! Much love across the miles!!

Naive1 - maybe I'm a bull in a china shop n just don't get it - but I never misunderstood your initial post to be anything less than what you just clarified. I said the same thing to Ozmum myself and even once before said it's kind of like in an airplane crash mom puts her O2 mask on first.
Naive, I find you one of the calmest well put together contributors on this site. That's just my opinion.
If you ask me - whomever is accusing people for being mean - does anyone remember what heartsads brother experienced at the police station for knowing and not reporting? He was handcuffed for one thing. People on this site ARE being nice. Sorry you got misunderstood. I for one stand to say I never doubted or misunderstood you. I have faith in you and appreciate your every contribution and helpful hand you extend. You are among the most informed.
All in all tho - it was very nice yet again you took at that time and care to be careful for others feelings and clarify. Please, Naive1 my vote is please don't ever let this hinder you from offering all your help the way you do!!!

Ozmum - you are deeply missed and I hope things are getting better for you. Hope to hear from you again soon!