Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My son is 17 years old and has been in a downward spiral for the last couple of years. I have suspected he was doing drugs. He has been acting out - getting expelled from school last year and this year rebelling against his father and I and stealing. I had tried to get him in counseling but he refused to go. One day a couple of months ago he had a melt down while we were arguing in the car. I told him that he picks on his younger brother too much and that it isn't fair for his brother to have to live with someone constantly "bullying" him. I told him he didn't have to grow up like that and neither should his brother. He responded with so much anger and started crying and telling me that no one had to grow up with what he grew up with... that his brother never had to deal with what he had to deal with and that I didn't even know because I was dumb. He was quite hysterical and I kept asking him what he was talking about. He just kept on saying you don't even know what happened to me. I asked several more times and he just shut down and told me to leave him alone. I pulled the car over and I very calmly told him that i loved him very much and I wanted to know what he was talking about. He wouldn't say it but asked him if someone hurt him and he said yes. I asked him a series of questions that he said yes or no to. He refused to talk too much, but admitted to me he was raped. After he spoke that he refused to give me any more detail. I cried and hugged him and stopped asking questions because he was getting hysterical again and did not want to talk anymore about it.
Now, a few months later he has gotten into legal trouble. Still acting out still self destructing. I finally got him into drug counseling. However, he still refuses to discuss the rape. He will not tell me who or when. About 3 weeks ago he took some pills and was acting seriously out of control. I tried to have him admitted somewhere and no one would take him. I tried to get community service board involved and they said he didn't meet criteria for admission. This particular evening dragged on with him being erratic and out of control. The following morning I called emergency services and eventually took him to a hospital. They still said he didn't meet criteria and refused to admit him. On the way home he had another emotional meltdown and this time he told his father that everything was basically his fault because he allowed his own son to be hurt by a friend. He screamed and cried and told us he hated us. His father was crying, I was crying. It was horrible. He was freaking out so bad I called the police because he said he was going to leave and we wouldn't see him again. The police came and said he wasn't doing anything wrong and they couldn't do anything. I just wanted them to have him evaluated. I called the community service board emergency number and they agreed to meet us at the hospital. They did a brief evaluation through a questionaire and sent us home. He did not meet criteria to be admitted.
Here is the thing that is killing my husband and I - someone hurt our son, someone we consider a friend and allowed around him. Someone did this when he was younger because it was before we moved. We moved when he went into 5th grade. Everyday all day it consumes us. We are going crazy literally. My husband can't sleep and started having anxiety attacks. I am slipping into depression. Our son has all this hurt and won't get help. In the meantime we have court coming up and he could get sent away. It is so overwhelming and I don't know wht to do. I want to know who did this to him. Everyone is a suspect! I don't want his life ruined. I don't want him to be damaged goods. Can I tell the counselors what he told me? Does that break his trust in me and hurt him more? I feel hopeless. I am so sad he has endured this. He was such a sweet, loving boy. How could somene do this to him? I feel like they have destroyed him.
Now, a few months later he has gotten into legal trouble. Still acting out still self destructing. I finally got him into drug counseling. However, he still refuses to discuss the rape. He will not tell me who or when. About 3 weeks ago he took some pills and was acting seriously out of control. I tried to have him admitted somewhere and no one would take him. I tried to get community service board involved and they said he didn't meet criteria for admission. This particular evening dragged on with him being erratic and out of control. The following morning I called emergency services and eventually took him to a hospital. They still said he didn't meet criteria and refused to admit him. On the way home he had another emotional meltdown and this time he told his father that everything was basically his fault because he allowed his own son to be hurt by a friend. He screamed and cried and told us he hated us. His father was crying, I was crying. It was horrible. He was freaking out so bad I called the police because he said he was going to leave and we wouldn't see him again. The police came and said he wasn't doing anything wrong and they couldn't do anything. I just wanted them to have him evaluated. I called the community service board emergency number and they agreed to meet us at the hospital. They did a brief evaluation through a questionaire and sent us home. He did not meet criteria to be admitted.
Here is the thing that is killing my husband and I - someone hurt our son, someone we consider a friend and allowed around him. Someone did this when he was younger because it was before we moved. We moved when he went into 5th grade. Everyday all day it consumes us. We are going crazy literally. My husband can't sleep and started having anxiety attacks. I am slipping into depression. Our son has all this hurt and won't get help. In the meantime we have court coming up and he could get sent away. It is so overwhelming and I don't know wht to do. I want to know who did this to him. Everyone is a suspect! I don't want his life ruined. I don't want him to be damaged goods. Can I tell the counselors what he told me? Does that break his trust in me and hurt him more? I feel hopeless. I am so sad he has endured this. He was such a sweet, loving boy. How could somene do this to him? I feel like they have destroyed him.
A few things are going through my mind. Firstly, getting help is not always easy; people who haven't actually been in this situation have no clue what it is really all about. From what I've read and who I've talked with, a Child Advocacy Center (CAC) is the best place to get help. Here's a link to a list of the one's in your state: http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/index.php?s=58&state=virginia .
They may also be able to supply an evaluation you can use in court for your son's legal issues.
In terms of what to say to your son, he really needs to hear (possibly quite often) that it was not his fault, he did nothing wrong, that you love him very much, that he's a brave hero for disclosing such difficult info, that you believe him and are committed to helping him deal with this in a way that is the best for him to heal, and that you won't give up on him. Your son also needs you and your husband to say he's right, this is partly your fault for not protecting him, that you were very naive to what the person was capable of and you had no clue this could happen. The truth is that you are not to blame in the least, the accountability is solely with the abuser, but your son can't handle hearing that right now. Once he gets some therapy and healing underway, he should be able to understand that part of it in time. The therapists at a CAC are the most experienced with CSA and how to develop a rapport with victims so a therapeutic environment and relationship can be established. In my opinion that's the priority for now, and for you and your husband to get counseling as well. Let the disclosure of who, when and where it happened come when your son feels safe enough telling it. I know that you and your husband are falling apart over this, but it's important to keep it together in front of your son so he doesn't feel even worse for causing so much turmoil in his family. Unfortunately you do need to let yourself feel all the pain you are in, but you need to choose to do it when he's not around, or for example in the shower which is where I'd break down. He needs to see that you guys are going to stay collected and in control, and not let the abuse or the abuser have control of your lives.
You may want to do an online search of what the statute of limitations is in your state for reporting it, but since your son is still a minor, I think he has 2 years from the time he becomes an adult, but not sure about that; each state is different. It may be that reporting it and trying to hold the offender responsible by having him prosecuted could help your son in his healing, and it's important to try and stop the offender from having more victims and possibly identify if there are other victims since this happened a long time ago, but it seems the most important thing is to get your son the help he needs in the short term first for counseling, drug issues, legal issues, etc.
I'll bump up a topic from a while back with a list of resources you may be interested in. I hope it and this info is helpful for you. Come here with whatever you need, we're here for you. I'm keeping you in my thioughts and prayers, (((hugs))) to you and your family.
Can you speak to your son's prosecutor and let him/her know the situation? That poor child does not need the added stress of a criminal process.
This nightmare that we have found ourselves in is horrible and just plain mind-f'ing at times. Please just know that you are not alone. You, your husband, your other child(ren), and especially your sweet boy can survive and heal from this. This does not have to define him for the rest of his life.
My prayers to you.
Can you find counseling that is available on a sliding scale that you can afford? It is so important for your own sanity.
Of course you want justice but your son does not want to go down that route yet. Would it help to ask him that if he disclosed who did this to him that he can save another child from the abuse? Sometimes kids are more willing to help another child rather than themselves. I can't imagine having to live without knowing who did this to my child.
It was my daughter who was abused. The offender is my dad. I think it must be harder for boys when this happens to them. They have the added burden of the whole macho mentality, the stigma of being thought of as gay. No child has a choice in abuse but society still thinks that our children, especially boys, should fight back during the assaults. They are powerless.
I pray daily for all the children who have endured this and for the families that are struggling along in the aftermath. It is really all I can offer sometimes.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family.
You are right that you cannot babysit your son 24/7. You are doing everything that you can do for him. Maybe just your loving presence in his life is what he needs right now. We tell our children that we are here for them no matter what...they could never do anything that would make us stop loving them. And then it is up to them to allow us in. What else can you do really?
There are so many horrific parts of this type of crime, one of them is the way each family member has to find their own way through the aftermath. My counselor explained it as basically grief. With support, you and your family can get to the other side.
Hang in there sister and know that you are not alone.
Hugs and prayers to you. You should feel so amazing that you get up every day, put one foot in front of the other and take care of what needs to be done. You are strong!
I guess I should just say what he did.... a list of things in about a month's timeframe - went into my brother-in-laws house (who happens to be the principal of the school he was expelled from- go figure) stole his shot gun, traded it for pot (we got the gun back and returned it) then a different day went into Walmart and stole a pellet gun, a different day went into a different Walmart and stole a t-shirt, then a different day went into an ABC store and stole a bottle of liquor and when the cops pulled him over he got busted with the liquor, pot and prescription pills that he stole from my parents. The thefts from Walmart were especially ridiculous because he has pellet and air soft guns and if he wanted a Tshirt I would have bought him one and he knew it. All of this happened within 4 weeks of each other. If I had not packed him up and tried to have have him committed and called the police on him I am sure more would have happened. He had snapped out of reality or something. He is doing ok now (still drinking and smoking) but really stressed. He is facing 9 charges - 2 of which are felonies. He has never been in any other legal trouble but went on this flipped out crime spree. Most of which he can not remember because he was on an overdose of prescription pills. Why does he use drugs? I am sure to deal with the pain and confusion of what has happened to him. It all makes sense now that we know about it. I know in my heart it leads back to the sexual assault. I was a stay at home mom until 5 years ago. I wouldn't let other people take care of my kids because you hear these horror stories. I didn't party. I did all the right things. PTA meetings, volunteering at school. I never missed one, not one, soccer game. I have loved him to death since the day he was born. I keep him involved with our huge extended family. Our family isn't perfect - but we try to eat dinner every night together. His father is a workaholic - so he may have lacked some attention on that end. I know this guy that hurt my son is the blame for all of this. It is so sad.
I agree with your counselor about it being like grief. That is exactly how I felt when he was expelled from school. How I felt when he got into legal trouble and how I felt when I found out what had happened to him. It has been a hard year. I do tell myself I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
I feel like I shouldn't even post the things he has done so he isn't judged. That is so ridiculous since we are just an online group. This community we live in is so small and the judgement never stops. He has literally no friends anymore. He used to be quite popular and active in sports. I am so sad at how much everything has changed.
I feel horrible for your son. I hope he can get past this and find happiness some day. It must have been horrifying to have him attempt suicide. It must feel almost relieving to have him in residential treatment so that he can be sober and not hurt himself. I know I was trying to have my son put somewhere when I thought he was the biggest danger to himself. I thought at least if he was there, he would be safe. Stay strong... maybe together we can help each other through this.