Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
First of all, I'm glad that this place exists. I've read a lot of your stories and even though I'm sorry that we all have a reason to be here, it's comforting to know that others are surviving in spite of being put through hell at some point. That really helps.
My daughter was abused by a male care giver for a few years. My wife and I did not have a clue as to what was going on and we trusted this man. Our daughter finally came forward to us some years later when he was caught abusing another girl. While our daughter found her own ways to cope during the years we didn't know what had happened, (Which really kills me, not being able to be there for her emotionally and to stop it!) the shock is relatively new to us. We've only known for a couple of years, which is when we got the shock. We've spent the last couple of years assuring that this man ended up behind bars and that all responsible were held accountable. Thankfully, that part is now over.
My question to those who have been through similar situations is what strategies did you use to move on? While we were fighting the legal stuff, though it certainly hurt, we really didn't have the time for everything to sink in. Now that the fight is over and it's quiet, it's sometimes hard not to be overwhelmed by the hurt. Our family is strong and our marriage is strong, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this far. Still, we're struggling with moving on, putting this behind us and getting things back to some semblance of normal. Individual and couples therapy is ongoing and while it helps, it can't go on forever. At some point we're going to have to wean ourselves off of it and manage on our own.
Does anyone have any strategies for positively moving forward? I know that we'll never forget everything that happened, but is there any way to avoid dwelling on it all too much?
My daughter was abused by a male care giver for a few years. My wife and I did not have a clue as to what was going on and we trusted this man. Our daughter finally came forward to us some years later when he was caught abusing another girl. While our daughter found her own ways to cope during the years we didn't know what had happened, (Which really kills me, not being able to be there for her emotionally and to stop it!) the shock is relatively new to us. We've only known for a couple of years, which is when we got the shock. We've spent the last couple of years assuring that this man ended up behind bars and that all responsible were held accountable. Thankfully, that part is now over.
My question to those who have been through similar situations is what strategies did you use to move on? While we were fighting the legal stuff, though it certainly hurt, we really didn't have the time for everything to sink in. Now that the fight is over and it's quiet, it's sometimes hard not to be overwhelmed by the hurt. Our family is strong and our marriage is strong, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this far. Still, we're struggling with moving on, putting this behind us and getting things back to some semblance of normal. Individual and couples therapy is ongoing and while it helps, it can't go on forever. At some point we're going to have to wean ourselves off of it and manage on our own.
Does anyone have any strategies for positively moving forward? I know that we'll never forget everything that happened, but is there any way to avoid dwelling on it all too much?
You know what "woulddoitagain", I don't think this sounds nearly as goofy as you think it is. I go through periods of time when I'm distracted and things are generally okay, but then every once in a while there is something that reminds me of what happened and I go back to "that place". I'm going to try to take what you've said here to heart and to the extent I can, snap out of it. Thanks for speaking up!
Ever since our ordeal began, my wife and I have struggled with it all as a team. During this time though, one thing that fell by the wayside, probably because it just didn't feel right given the subject was "marital relations". How do people like ourselves get back to a semi-normal physical part of our marriage? I get the whole idea that the abuse that our children suffered was more about power and control than sex, but it is called "sexual abuse" and it's hard to escape that there's a sexual component. So how do we separate the sexual component of what happened to our family from the natural and healthy sex life that we should be experiencing?
let's see what happens with this one
"Marital Relations" Wow, that is something no one ever talks about here and I'm not sure why. It is after all another area of our life that requires healing. You said that you and your wife have struggled with the abuse as a team. KUDDOS to both of you for working through it all together. Assuming that you and your wife are on the same page with this as well (and you might not be yet) I would say openly communicating the good, the bad and the ugly is probably best. As with everything else a conscious effort and time seems seems to help.
Wishing the best to you and your family.
As far as moving forward with "Marital Relations", it's a very tricky thing. We probably don't often think about it this way, but marital relations in a healthy relationship are a very fluid thing and don't often require a lot of planning. The problem that I think we're dealing with here is that to make things happen, we have to make a conscious effort, something which seems to just put a little more pressure on. It just doesn't feel natural to this point and that makes it tougher and more awkward. Perhaps the answer is making that conscious effort as long as necessary and hoping in time that things become more natural again. It's very difficult though. I never truly understood the concept of "loss of consortium" until our ordeal.