Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
First of all, I'm glad that this place exists. I've read a lot of your stories and even though I'm sorry that we all have a reason to be here, it's comforting to know that others are surviving in spite of being put through hell at some point. That really helps.
My daughter was abused by a male care giver for a few years. My wife and I did not have a clue as to what was going on and we trusted this man. Our daughter finally came forward to us some years later when he was caught abusing another girl. While our daughter found her own ways to cope during the years we didn't know what had happened, (Which really kills me, not being able to be there for her emotionally and to stop it!) the shock is relatively new to us. We've only known for a couple of years, which is when we got the shock. We've spent the last couple of years assuring that this man ended up behind bars and that all responsible were held accountable. Thankfully, that part is now over.
My question to those who have been through similar situations is what strategies did you use to move on? While we were fighting the legal stuff, though it certainly hurt, we really didn't have the time for everything to sink in. Now that the fight is over and it's quiet, it's sometimes hard not to be overwhelmed by the hurt. Our family is strong and our marriage is strong, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this far. Still, we're struggling with moving on, putting this behind us and getting things back to some semblance of normal. Individual and couples therapy is ongoing and while it helps, it can't go on forever. At some point we're going to have to wean ourselves off of it and manage on our own.
Does anyone have any strategies for positively moving forward? I know that we'll never forget everything that happened, but is there any way to avoid dwelling on it all too much?
My daughter was abused by a male care giver for a few years. My wife and I did not have a clue as to what was going on and we trusted this man. Our daughter finally came forward to us some years later when he was caught abusing another girl. While our daughter found her own ways to cope during the years we didn't know what had happened, (Which really kills me, not being able to be there for her emotionally and to stop it!) the shock is relatively new to us. We've only known for a couple of years, which is when we got the shock. We've spent the last couple of years assuring that this man ended up behind bars and that all responsible were held accountable. Thankfully, that part is now over.
My question to those who have been through similar situations is what strategies did you use to move on? While we were fighting the legal stuff, though it certainly hurt, we really didn't have the time for everything to sink in. Now that the fight is over and it's quiet, it's sometimes hard not to be overwhelmed by the hurt. Our family is strong and our marriage is strong, otherwise we wouldn't have made it this far. Still, we're struggling with moving on, putting this behind us and getting things back to some semblance of normal. Individual and couples therapy is ongoing and while it helps, it can't go on forever. At some point we're going to have to wean ourselves off of it and manage on our own.
Does anyone have any strategies for positively moving forward? I know that we'll never forget everything that happened, but is there any way to avoid dwelling on it all too much?
Just to clarify, even though we're now known what happened for almost three years, it's only recently that the legal stuff stopped. While the legal things are going on, your head is just kind of spinning and it's hard to focus on anything but the task at hand. When the legal stuff finally ends, in some respects, it's like the trauma just took place. That's when everything really sinks in. Once you've done everything you can externally, you have to deal with all things internal. That's why we've been doing therapy, to try to deal with those internal things.
I've never been one who was much into the idea of therapy. I wasn't against it, I just didn't have a need for it and didn't really think much about it. When our trauma took place though, I knew that I was going to need help and I didn't hesitate to get that help. As I suggested earlier though, I think that at least in my case, therapy can only take me so far. It's helped, but there is going to be only so far I can go with it and then I'm going to have to have my own strategies for coping. At this point, I'm trying to transition out of regular therapy and that's what I'm trying to figure out...the best way to move forward on my own. My gut instinct is to tell the therapists (Individual and Couples) that I want to take a few months off to try to work things out for myself/ourselves.
In the end, it looks like the only thing that's going to heal the raw wounds is time. I do feel like the further the trauma goes into the past the better things will get. Already I don't think I'm as saddled by the hurt as I was originally so there is hope. Still, there are times when getting up in the morning is a struggle.
I think I'm right about where you are, USAdad, our legal stuff is sort of done, I went back to counseling for a while and just felt like it wasn't all that helpful after a couple months and I needed to just figure it out on my own now. My husband is there too. We still have pain and anger at times, but we are looking to internally move on--on the outside it probably looks like things are fine, but in reality we are changed forever and we need to incorporate all that somehow into a constructive healing path forward.
One thing mentioned above, focusing on the fact that our kids are doing well and seem to be moving forward fairly well, is one thing that helps. The ideas they have verbalized to us, that they will be able to be more watchful to see signs in other kids/students and be able to support them and know what to do immediately instead of waiting to report like they did offer great encouragement to us and are actually quite a good example for us. (One is a new music teacher and the other 2 are in college for music education--they were violated by a music teacher). I think getting involved in some way to advocate/volunteer may be therapuetic and help me to move on. I'm waiting to hear about training to be a crisis response team volunteer for domestic violence against women, and on volunteering at a child advocacy center in our county. I guess it feels like in that way I'm not letting all I learned from this experience to be lost, ignored or repressed. It seems it really boils down to being a choice each of us make at some point on this particular path we find ourselves on to make new decisions and go in new directions. But I agree, mornings are a struggle! Healing thoughts and prayers are sent to you and your family.