rocking you gently and crying with you, lovefor. . .

my "baby" is 43 now. i am beginning to think that, perhaps, his reasons for maintaining such vast social distances are his own and those reasons may not ever make sense through the wall of my prideful maternal love. the estrangement continues, whether i understand it, or knot.

rocking you gently and crying with you. . .

Welcome to this forum loveformybaby. Your name reminds me how much we love our babies and small children and then how sometimes they grow up to be real people with real problems. Our estranged adult children are not our babies any longer but we can keep those happy memories of them in our hearts.

I don't know what is up with your son and why he is hot and cold but I have heard this type of story over and over. I don't know why he is doing this to you but it is a message. Now you are actually free to step away from this type of in and out of our lives abusive cruelty stuff because he sounds like he doesn't have YOUR best interest at heart. It is time for you to have your own best interests at heart, taking care of yourself first and foremost.

It is rejection. It hurts to be rejected. Did he ask for money or help of some kind when he got back in touch after 3 years?

What if this time could be your time of healing and becoming the individual you wanted to be long ago, before kids? The hobbies you once enjoyed or would like to learn? Meeting new friends, doing new activities, traveling? What if you could grab on to the dreams and wishes you had long ago, before kids? Now that this man child has been so cruel, what if you could be extremely kind to yourself? What if this is your time to shine and take care of yourself?

I like to recommend "Done with the Crying" by Sheri McGregor. She talks more about healing ourselves and dealing with the abusive EC types. There is also "Rules of Estrangement" by Coleman but that is more of the parents must make amends type with the promotion of the myth of the amends letter. It is good to read Coleman's book but remember that not everything is going to fit our individual situations and he is weak on the abuse issue. Sometimes we do have to change how we act and react to the EC situation but sometimes we are dealing with EC that have real serious issues that we can't fix nor can we change them.

We can work on our healing. I believe estrangement is ambiguous loss and difficult to cope with at times. I believe being rejected not just once but twice now is mind blowing. We can get down in depression and not get back up. In that case, a good therapist who understands estrangement and is not just on the side of the estranging adult children can help us heal. Do read "Done with the Crying" by McGregor to start.

Come back on here and keep talking. Share your story more if you want. This forum can be a very slow one at times but estrangement happens in 27% of American extended families and 25% of UK extended families so you are among company. Your neighbors, your coworkers, your friends, may be experiencing similar to you. I know of some USA support groups if you want to send me an email on here.

Thank you for the response. No, he did not ask for money. He no longer needs me financially.

Therapists know there is a movement of this estrangement behavior out there. Social media feeds it with supportive statements from strangers. It's all a terrible thing but we can only control how we react to it. Maybe talking with a therapist will help you get to a place where you can live with the pain. I am sorry this happened to you. We have to have our own healthy boundaries too, so consider that as well.

This is a follow up to my initial post. I did start talking to a therapist. I also bought some books on the subject, which is what I do whenever I am having a tough time with life issues. So far, the therapist is flat-lining and the books are hit and miss. I can tell within the first few chapters if the book's content is relevant to my situation. The best book that I have read thus far is entitled, "PEAK, Parental Estrangement of Adult Kids". It is a common sense book and focuses on me, not my estranged kid. I may never know the reason my son has done this. He has always been the quiet type and was never rude to his Mom, until now. I am almost 100% sure that whatever he is going through actually has nothing to do with the way he was raised. I was a good mother and I believe that I did the best any single mom could do when raising a child. My son is a smart, good looking young man, graduating college with honors and has a great paying job now. When he came out of college, he told me about being gay. I love him no matter what and told him so. He won't accept that response from me. Apparently, that was not what he wanted to hear, but if this was his reason to walk away from the only person on this earth that loved him unconditionally, there is not much I can do to convince him otherwise. For now, I am letting him go live his life the way he needs to, and I wish him peace and blessings. I will always love him and will miss him dearly. He knows the door is open for him.

This is a follow up to my initial post. I did start talking to a therapist. I also bought some books on the subject, which is what I do whenever I am having a tough time with life issues. So far, the therapist is flat-lining and the books are hit and miss. I can tell within the first few chapters if the book's content is relevant to my situation. The best book that I have read thus far is entitled, "PEAK, Parental Estrangement of Adult Kids". It is a common sense book and focuses on me, not my estranged kid. I may never know the reason my son has done this. He has always been the quiet type and was never rude to his Mom, until now. I am almost 100% sure that whatever he is going through actually has nothing to do with the way he was raised. I was a good mother and I believe that I did the best any single mom could do when raising a child. My son is a smart, good looking young man, graduating college with honors and has a great paying job now. When he came out of college, he told me about being gay. I love him no matter what and told him so. He won't accept that response from me. Apparently, that was not what he wanted to hear, but if this was his reason to walk away from the only person on this earth that loved him unconditionally, there is not much I can do to convince him otherwise. For now, I am letting him go live his life the way he needs to, and I wish him peace and blessings. I will always love him and will miss him dearly. He knows the door is open for him.

Not every therapist can deal or has knowledge about estrangement. Some encourage their patients to estrange and get free of the family conflict or difficult parent. I would say start to call around and ask potential therapists if they know about parental estrangement with difficult, abusive adult sons or daughters. Some are really good, some are not good. Don't assume this one therapist is all there is or is good enough. So you might assume something has changed in son's personality or he has managed to hide it all these years. He needs someone to blame or he wants to be a victim (of you). I think it is wise to focus on your own healing from this abuse and trauma he has lashed out at you. We can love difficult people without allowing them to be abusive. And some parents have adult children who have drinking or drug problems or mental health issues or personality disorders. This can make them very difficult and often our kids hide things from us. You may not even realize he has a substance abuse problem for example if he is hiding it or not around you all that much. The current levels of THC in weed, for example, are coming up as creating paranoid and angry behaviors, out of control, for some users. You can google this. Many many parents don't understand the roller coaster ride that substance abuse causes in the family members. The main thing is keep writing on here if you'd like, keep working on your healing and your understanding of how you have suffered abusive behaviors from him. Something is going on with him that likely has nothing to do with yourself. I know you love him. Take care of yourself now. We can't stay well if we stay in the dance of craziness.