Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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hasty_05 08/19/2023

I am about to have an early stage minor cancer surgery and I don't want my ED (estranged daughters) to know. The kind of surgery they put you to sleep for and remove a part and then fix it back up. Send it to be biopsied and I hope it stays at the stage where I don't have to have radiation or chemo! So I have had to minimize it to my son who has a relationship with us. He appears to be avoiding his sisters and his dad at this point so maybe he would not text them all. Months ago, he wanted us to try by attempting to arrange a visit with one of the EDs but I said no, I'd rather allow them to chose to make contact at this point. I said no when I meant no which I am glad about. I don't want to tell them because they have gone no contact and I decided I would do the same. Why keep reaching out to people who disdain me? Why allow them to know and not contact me which feels like another knife in the back? I want out of the hope stuff, hoping they will change. So that is my big thing, the hiding we parents end up doing. Can't be our normally honest or open selves. That is all for today.

hasty_05 08/19/2023

PLUS, my step son is having serious issues with his mother who has some kind of undiagnosed brain health disorder. She dumped HIM! Blocked him everywhere and blamed him for their conflict that she started. He has few boundaries with her and she just ran right over him. Sigh. I am sure she will come back as this is just punishment for him not meeting her needs. That is how manipulative and controlling people do things, they blow you off and then real you back in when they need you again. Even though he once estranged from us and then "reconnected", I do understand his upsettedness over the crap his mom is doing. He did similar crap to us long ago and we were shattered.

arfie 08/19/2023

i don't try to control the flow of information in own family estrangement. the family members i trust enough to tell my strictly personals to are free to pass on the information, if they choose. i do not even ask them to reveal their choices for my sake. ply detachment tools here.

i figure that if the estrangement is meant to end, it will end at godspeed. healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

good luck with your surgery. easy does it.

shelda 08/20/2023

Hoping all goes well with you Hasty,glad they caught it early thats a good start. I know how you feel about not letting them know.While my husband was dying i let mine know and they shunned me while with him,yet i keep on going back for more it seems.Hardest thing i have ever done is let go of my kids as i know it is for everyone on here.Keeping you in my thoughts let us know how you are doing !

Jownie 10/13/2023

..support the motion

hasty_05 10/14/2023

So a month later, I never told the EDs. I just decided to accept the relationship as they have chosen it to be. Not in anger at them but in acceptance and peace of mind. We don't owe our adult children an explanation of our health issues even if it could be genetic when they have gone no contact. I think many of them simply can't cope with another person's issues, even their parental health issues. So telling them is almost asking for a bad reaction as they make it all about them as the victim of us by telling them. Our health issues and their lack of coping about it or helping another human being seems to trigger their own internal back lash which they give to us.

shelda 10/15/2023

I spoke with this 98 year old about my depression and how no one rarely asks to hang out etc...he said quit thinking about them just think about yourself. Best advise i ever got simple and to the point

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