There are so many issues in these estrangement situations. Sometimes we have to tease out what is what and to actively work on healing. Sounds easy, but I am also on this healing journey. This virus stuff seems to bring out the fear and anxiety with many estranged parents. I would like to recommend a book, Done with the Crying. Perhaps you even have some parental alienation going on. I find that the absent parent is often much loved because the child has a parent sized hole in their heart and needs to know the absent parent is there for them. The always there parent often feels this is unfair, but in reality it is neither unfair nor wrong for the child or adult child to long for their absent parent. I would suggest you clean out that bedroom and closets as a way to move forward. Who your daughter is is who your daughter is. Even if she comes back, she won't want this stuff. It is a shrine to your pain and aren't you ready to move forward and reclaim your life by creating a happy life. Yes, we can! The other thing you might look into is codependence (your wanting her so badly you paid and paid) and parental alienation, just to know. This forum is kinda slow or dead unfortunately but the forum associated with Done with the Crying is often busier if you feel you need support from other estranged parents. I wish you well.

Hello. I’m new on here.
I am a parent of four. My two adult children have been abducted by their Lebanese father when they were children and have not seen them for 10 years. Their father returned to the U.K. when they were in their teens. I have struggled to build a relationship with my estranged adult children as they have grown up with my ex spouse and have adopted cultural values. They have chosen to live with their father despite the fact that they have come to understand that they were abducted when they were children. To make matters worse my son now is using and makes me sad and it’s harder to build any relationship when he’s high. My other child who has married and has two children is also keeping a distance as her husband is abusive to me and does not want her or my grandchildren to have anything to do with me because I’m non muslim.

I am sorry, udenjo. This is very difficult. Have you heard of parental alienation? There is a good researcher named Karen Woodall in the UK. Part of the alienation affect on the kids is that they come to think the lies are real about the victim parent. They have lived a life not liking you because of the lies and to change, to understanding that they were lied to by dad, is really difficult. It means the adult child having to be able to change and to recognize their own victimhood. It is easier sometimes to blame the victim parent. It is hard to accept how we need to change so the adult child resists accepting the correct reality. So many of the issues you mention are difficult and probably not fixable by you. Al Anon can help you a lot in learning to detach with love from your son's addiction. If you are not the right religion, then the bias or prejudice the ED and SIL have towards you is not fixable by you. That is what is perhaps the hardest is learning to accept what seems unacceptable. I have found Done with the Crying book helpful and the online forum. I think there are estrangement support groups in the UK. Counseling to learn to move forward could be very helpful. I had to learn to let go and detach and accept. Not the same situation as yours but I have judgmental and mean EC and I have tried and tried but finally decided to detach with love and just accept life for how it is.

I am thinking that Adult children who rarely bother with their parent or parents has to do with their own issues, and not yours. It is how i get through this mountain of humiliation and huge rejection. Mine pretend that they care about me but i do not really think they do and so i have been told this by them..i rarely hear from them unless i text first..etc..they say they are busy working etc... so there is not much i can say to change their ideas about themselves or myself so i quit texting etc for 3 months. I texted in our "family group " who wants to come over for a fire and only 2 responded...Then i think..I Don't Know anymore what i did that was so bad..i have this little life saving devices in my head where i think..Maybe it isn't me at all But them.. or lately I have been doing this other life saving thought..Maybe they are the ones with issues of their own even though to me it looks they they are all living such a great life together ..and maybe they do not go out much but they have each other all 5 of them But i still have 2 more and they bother with me sometimes but we do have this place where we can vent and Not be Judged but made to feel your accepted and it is here on this forum ( Hugs)

My son and I have always had a rocky relationship, and it was pretty clear from a young age that he didn't like me...as a parent or an individual. Anyway, we have had good and bad times..but suddenly about 9 months ago, he got the idea to leave the state and move to Brazil.. Of course I haven't seen him since, and I don't know when I will. We do talk on whats app, and text and so forth..but he doesn't seem anxious to come and visit at all, as he thinks he may have trouble getting back in Brazil. He is my only child, and it seems selfish and cruel for him to do this, I mean it is one thing to visit and another to make it your permanent home when your family is so far away...

So, basically I can relate to your issues as you can see from above.

Those who we love the most will hurt us the worst. My daughter is 23 and hasn’t spoken to me in 2 years. I miss her every day and think of her often. I can’t condone her bad behavior and let it tear my marriage apart. You can love unconditionally but doesn’t mean you have to unconditionally accept their bad behavior.