Parents of estranged adult children Community Group

One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.

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jnne347390 08/09/2020

Hi This is my 1st post. I was a single parent of a 29 year old Daughter and my 8 year old grand daughter. They both lived with me including the baby's father. I was good for a few years till he left my Daughter and married the other girl within a few month of leaving. After that we had a talk that no one else would ever be able to move in. I know she was crushed. I was there to support them and a shoulder to cry on. A few years latter she met the new guy. Things were good for a year or so and then he started moving in a little at a time. I find she is going his laundry and that he has a key. I liked him but it was getting hard I would come home from work and they went shopping and filled my front hall with food and hord it in her room. I live in a house but not big enough. I would come home after an 11 hour day of work and there a dishes in the sink. I could not see the bottom of my kitchen table and if I wanted to eat I had to wait my turn to use the kitchen. I loved them and wanted to make sure they were always taken care of. I wanted my grand daughter to have a better life than we had. I was 16 had to grow up fast and was kicked out of the house at 19. I got an appartment and lived in projects for 10 years. I would sit in my bedroom when they were eating and my grand daughter would cry for me and there was nothing I could do about it. We were having issues you could tell my daughter was unhappy and stopped talking to me the year before. It was so bad that she had to walk by me to go to her room and would not even say hi. On the morning of January 11th 2020 I was supposed to watch my grand daughter like I always do and not her mom but she tells me she is going out for the day. You could have told me I only get 2 days off a week and if I dont have to watch her I could do something else with my time. I watched her every Saturday and Sunday for 7 years. That night when she came home I blew up really bad I just could not keep it in anymore. We have only had a few fights in 29 years but this time she left that night and I have no seen or spoke to either one of them. I tried calling she blocked me I tried texting she blocked me so I wrote a letter. I miss them so much and have told them I am so sorry but she does not want to hear it.I have never been aprat from them and now its almost 8 months. I hurt so much and cry alot had to take down the pictures and things that they made me over the years.

shelda 08/10/2020

Sounds like the boyfriend turned your house into a boarding house.Hiding there food..how low.Not sure why she started to see you like this..but hopefully she grows up a little more.

jnne347390 08/10/2020

I can only hope she will. Do you ever come across family that do this generation after generation. I hoped she would have learned from the past. I worst was being in the room when he was calling my grand daughter stupid and dumb. I just understand how she could let that happen.

urbangardener 08/11/2020

I think sometimes we hold in our "truths" too long and it becomes a fire hydrant. You may blame yourself for getting angry but you were a pot slow to boil over and took a lot of disrespect and weirdness. This daughter sounds like a bit of a spoiled person and a user type. Lack of respect for you and now acting like she is the victim. I know you love her and your grandchild and they were "your whole life" but sometimes it is time to take back ourselves as adults and humans. It is good for us to have the opportunity to be apart and forge our own lives. This allows her to become an adult also. We hope better for our kids but sometimes they don't do better. Sometimes I wonder if adult children have to break the bonds so completely in order to become independent because they enjoyed being dependent for a long while. She was "independent" on your dime, which is not independent at all. This is now your opportunity to create an independent life, one of your own choosing, the one you were thinking about when you were 16, 17 years old. You may not think of it this way, rather as just a loss, but what if you could see the gain in having the place to yourself and your freedom finally? What dreams do you have that have gone unfilled due to being so focused on other people? What plans can you make on Saturdays and Sundays to get out of the house and enjoy your freedom (once the pandemic allows)? Maybe we have to have the loss before we can find the gain. Some extended families live together and it is conflict filled like your situation has been for years with this daughter who feels your place is her place, independent on your dime, her right and entitlement. This is not good for you, nor for the granddaughter. Stay strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel. A time to renew yourself and find yourself. A time to bless yourself. PS: Don't apologize any longer. Don't allow yourself to be stepped on and ground into the mud. You gave to her for a long time, now give to yourself.

crushedinVA 08/27/2020

I know it is difficult now, but I don't think this estrangement will last forever, she knows who has her back.

jnne347390 10/19/2020

My first post was in August its now October. Life has been going a few times to hard to get out of bed, I have always disliked the holidays but this is going to be the hardest year for me. This month is her birthday and the 1st time I will not be there to celebrate. She will be 3o decorating has always been very important to her but there will be non this year. I just wish so bad this year will just end. I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way. I am right now in the white Mountains trying to relax but my mind picks up pace were I can not keep busy. Why does life have to be so hard and hurt so much? I do have to say that reading done with crying and doing work book has helped. I want to move so bad leave that life behind but my family will not let me leave somedays I just do not care I want the life I have always wanted and it would be far away from them. I have not been the same since she left . One more drink to help me fall asleep tonight, PLEASE PLESAE GOD

urbangardener 10/21/2020

Life is hard, that is how it works for all of us. We can resist the difficultness or accept. Your daughter needed to adult herself. You need to focus on creating a good life with friends and love. Change seems to hit us in the uncomfortable zone. Right now you are falling apart because you are resisting the change that has rocked your world. What if you made the change your friend? Instead of saying this is too terrible, why not say thank you for the opportunity to change and grow and become happy? See, we focus on the negative because it’s easier than dealing with our own issues. It sure sounds like depression and alcohol only makes depression worse, it is a depressant meaning it will make us more depressed. Being focused on daughter and her drama has kept your real self from unflowering. You can do this, you can walk this journey. Get yourself a good therapist and consider medication if you are not able to get out of bed many days. I care about your emotional stability.

Hillwalkerlady 12/03/2020

I just want to say thank you for sharing your stories and emotions. I am in similar situation with my 27 year old only daughter and three years along on this journey. Today I was trying to deal with pangs of sorrow triggered by TV images of joyful families at Christmas which made me feel totally alone in this pain, like an "abnormal failure" of a mother. To visit this group and be reminded that other people are in the same boat in the real world outside of "TV families" gives me perspective and courage. Your anguish resonated with me, jnne, as I remembered myself in those dark early days of the estrangement experiencing exactly same overwhelming grief as your going through now. I could hardly function. But urban gardener gives wise counsel. Hang on in there as I promise it does get gradually easier to manage the inner turmoil and take baby steps towards making life have meaning again. Many mothers invested so much time and energy into our kids whilst raising them all those years that somewhere along the line we lost sight of our own identity other than "mom". Often forgot about ourselves, sometimes had little time to nurture friendships or engage in hobbies. One day about a year ago I began to remember that I used to be a person before I became a mother and that person is still there inside. Started to realise something: life is long and full of twists & turns so very possible that my daughter might one day relent and be of a mind to reconcile but until that day comes around, what use is it to keep myself trapped in longing, misery and limbo? Our kids may be hard hearted and selfish but it's we ourselfs who give them the power to kick us in the head and guts- or not.

jnne347390 01/05/2021

This year started off on a different foot. No more hurt and sorrow, This year is going to be the year to find my real self. Never had a chance to do that before I have no idea were I am going to end up but I am sure it will be in a much happier place then last year. I have added to my family I adopted a puppy he has brought so much joy to my life, I am now one of those people that brings there dog every were. His name is Jack and he is only 5 pounds. I have never had a puppy but I can tell you one thing I feel like I have never laughed so much.

urbangardener 01/08/2021

Good for you! Thanks for the update and I am glad you are learning to love yourself first and seek a content life.

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