Parents of estranged adult children Community Group
One or more of our adult children walked out of our lives and never looked back.
I had my daughter at 18. I worked my butt off while I was pregant to buy the things she needed. Her father didn't even try to find a job. I did not put his name on the birth certificate. He never exercized his paternal rights, he didn't care. I did, however, let him see her from time to time so she could know him. I did not want her to resent me. I raised her on my own, bought a condo at 23 and we lived happily there until I was about 28/29. My family was very proud of me and held me in high esteem for accomplishing this. However, one day a letter came home from the school stating that the teacher who headed up the afterschool care program that my daughter was in was arrested for sexual assault of a minor. When I asked her if he had ever touched her, she lowered her head and said yes. I was shocked and couldn't believe I didn't know it was happening! This was the beginning of my hell on earth. My daughter was the only other girl to come forward - she testified and we put him in jail for 40 years. However, my feelings of guilt and failure led me to marry someone I wasn't in love with. I wanted my daughter and I to feel safe and protected. During the marriage, he did not allow my daughter to see her father regardless of how I felt about it. The marriage was a disaster and we divorced after 3 years. She was about 14 when I gave him the boot and started acting out. She would stay out way past her curfew while I waited up at home worried sick having to work the next day. She got into drugs. It was horrible and I just didn't know how to handle it. My family even started doubting me at this point and I felt betrayed by everyone and totally without any love and support. I tried everything to get her to behave but eventually told her she could either stay and follow my rules or leave, and go live with her dad. I did NOT think her dad would let her stay with him.....but he let her stay with him. He and his family have no moral compass and have brainwashed her into thinking that being bad is good and being good is bad - basically undoing all of the effort I put in to raise her right. They are literally a family of criminals - they are not law abiding upstanding citizens. She thinks they are wonderful. She has had Hodgkin's Lymphoma twice - once at 19 and once at 21. That was also quite a traumatic, scary ordeal for us. I fundraised for her to help her pay the bills - her dad's family did nothing - still they are the best family ever in her eyes. There are SO many other apalling things that have happened but it's just too long of a story. The bottom line is we both have been through hell. I think she blames me for everything bad that's happened. She gives me zero credit and very little love. She gives her dad's family accolades and they have done NOTHING for her. She is 24 now and calls me only when she needs something. We are not on horrible terms, but we are not on great terms. It's not what I hoped for - it's not what I've worked so hard for. I am disappointed and heartbroken. It all feels so unfair. Will her eyes ever open? Will she always treat me like dirt? Will she ever love me and give me and give me some credit? It's just crazy that you can spend your entire adult life working so hard on something and end up feeling like you did a bad job. I love her more than anything and want her approval so much, it just kills me. I know I have to let it go.
Meanwhile I have since remarried a wonderful man that I am in love with. He loves me so much and it is truly amazing. We have a dog, a beautiful home, and really everything I've always wanted. It's just this one thing that I'm allowing to keep me from being fully happy. I really have to find a way to move on but I don't know how. That is what led me to this page.
I've enjoyed reading everyone's stories. It's nice to know I'm not alone. <3
Anyway, I am spurred to reply to you with some words of comfort and hope. You asked if your daughter's eyes will one day open. My answer is they might. My own personal experience: I was aged 5 and a daddy's girl. Then my dad suddenly walked out. My parents didn't realise I was old enough to feel acute pain of abandonment and bewilderment. I lashed out at my mother, blamed her. It affected my bond with her. I was a cold and rebellious teenager. Ran away at 17. Estranged from her for many years. Reconnected with my dad who could do no wrong in my eyes. Nothing was his fault. Years later, I had therapy for depression which helped me gain insight. I realized that the little child who had missed my father so badly always unconsciously yearned him back. By then, I had figured out that he was the selfish man my mother said he was. The man who drove around in a new car but never sent child support. The man too busy chasing women to have time to spend time with his children. I understood how my mother had struggled. Shouldered the burden of responsibility alone. Had loved me. How I had unfairly took my hurt out on her. Felt remorse for the pain and grief I'd caused her. It took several years more before I reconnect ed with her because I tried to bury the guilt, I told myself I had to put it off till my life was less of a mess so she wouldn't be disappointed in me. Unconsciously I wanted her to feel proud of me when I finally got back in touch. Feared she might reject me justifiably. Therapists call it resonance. Protected myself by reasoning that there had been so much inner rage and estrangement by then that I wasn't even sure if I loved her. One day my eyes opened that I had in fact always loved her. And our troubled relationship was definitely not my poor mothers fault at all. But it was a long time coming. Sadly we don't get to rewrite the scripts that were our lives. I force self forgiveness for the past because otherwise it is a barrier to being able to act more wisely in the present.
So my advice: try your best to keep going whatever tiny bit of contact your girl will allow if possible. Express your unconditional love a lot. Point out only what she is doing right in her life. Hide your pain. Try to share funny and happy conversations. Apologise when she rages at you. Try not to make any emotional demands of her. Make it easy for her to maintain a connection with you. Bite your tongue with advice or words expressing expectations. Pray for patience. If she asks for practical help or money, give it without strings if it won't cause you hardship. We can only do what we can with our own speech and actions. There is no guarantee of good outcome. But if things don't pan out how we desperately hope they will, at least we won't have so much guilt on top of shattered dreams. I wish you blessings for your road ahead.