Why would you think that being apart would be helpful? I totally disagree as we can give each other breaks and spell each other off. What do you disagree on? We always try to be united in front of the kids because they can find the weakness in you and use it to their advantage. My husband and I went to a councilor about parenting and how to deal with our boys. It helped to make us feel that we were doing an ok job. You start to doubt yourself and your judgement because you don't see improvements for a long time. My son is nearly 14 and he has grown so much in the past 2 years. Hang in there and support each other. You are both in this to do the best for your child, separating isn't going to do that. When my son was younger, I cried almost everyday! It is so much better now.

have you been avoiding having your child start medication for the adhd? you might want to reconsider, if so.

i know what you mean about how stressful it can be...and i am doing it as a single "mom" to my foster son...believe me, it is very very hard to handle him all the time alone, with no breaks unless i pay a sitter (so expensive) or persuade his grandpa to take him for a day...

i agree that some counseling could be helpful, for the whole family. My boy and i both go, and i get help in parenting and he gets help in self control etc....very useful.

be sure you get in some breaks, alone and with each other--it's vital to deal with the stress--also, try massage, and relaxation exercises, and walking together...be conscientious in dealing with the stress instead of only suffering with it...

hang in there--and let us know how things are going!

Thanks for the Kind words. My son is on focalin xr 15 mg. It works for about a half a day. We are in the process of figuring out what works. I know what you mean about the no breaks. We have one sitter, with a very busy life. I feel like an ass for saying this but I've thought if Me and my wife are not together. At least we would each get a break. So sad. I'm vowing to try my hardest i don't want to give up, without trying my very best to do my part.

You may want to talk to your doctor about adding a second dose of the Focalin. My 6 year old was on the Focalin XR capsules initially last year, and one dose was lasting about 3 hours. They weren't really acting like "extended release" is supposed to.

The doctor switched him to the regular fast-acting Focalin tablets; one in the morning, and then the nurse gives him another dose at noon. That seems to work much better.

If you guys can't yet find a sitter to make time to ne alone together, have you thought about each having time alone? She keeps kids 1 thurs evening so you can break & vice versa the next week? Seems a better solution than a split neither really wants.
I sympathize because DH & I are in the same boat, rarely a sitter & not much extra funds for a regular date night or anything... It gets really overwhelming w a child who has adhd, plus other children in the home to care for. Sometimes when we try to discuss our ds with adhd it feels like DH blames me and I'm sure he feels the same about me sometimes. And yes, when things get really bad Ive thought about if we weren't together at least i would get a weekend now and then to myself and how wonderful would that be!! But I love my family, both my sons and my insufferable giant child of a hubby!! Before the only answer to exhaustion is to.split, i would suggest break nights for each of us separately if there's no option for one together.

I took about three days away from the whole family, husband and both kids (one with ADD and one without) about three weeks ago. I stayed in a hotel about three hours away from home and did nothing, but sleep, stare at the walls, read, got a massage, a pedicure, walked by the lake I hadn't been to in years and just was me. I realized during that time that I had truly truly forgotten that I was just me and had needs also. I forgot that I was not just mom, wife, employee, caregiver to aging parents, keeper of all pets, communicator to my son's school, doctor to his needs, etc. etc. I was ME. It was very humbling to realize that I had been so involved with all the above things, but especially my son's advocator and caregiver that I no longer had an identity of my own. I stayed in that hotel with nice plush pillows and did not talk to anyone for three days other than through text messages as needed. Everyone else could hold down the fort and our world would not collapse without me there. Regardless, I needed to get back and do my share, but I definitely needed time to clear my thoughts. A couple of weeks later I met my uncle and his girlfriend at a karaoke bar. AGAIN, I was nobody, but ME in that moment as well. When did I forget taking care of me? How long had it been? I couldn't recall. I still don't know, but I do know it's been years and years and years. Even when I attempted to go out in the past with friends from my high school years, there was still too much drama and it became about that (yes even in our 40s), that it was still less about me. BUT when I went to that hotel, got that massage and walked around the lake during those three days, my mind cleared and I became grounded again in ME. I know how unselfish I have been for others, but I realized just how much I was not unselfish to myself.

There are other ways besides divorce and the answer is to take two or three days at least a month on a weekend etc. JUST for you. It is entirely worth it and MUCH needed. AND its okay to do that. Work out something with your spouses that it becomes the norm at least once a month or even twice a month. You could decide that two weekends a month for each spouse to do their very own thing is the norm. I definitely would make doing whatever entirely away from the house, but something that is not about bars and meeting other people. The karaoke bar I met my uncle at was nothing, but a very very small crowd and I knew without a doubt, I was there to relax and not meet someone. Don't get caught in that trap. It will only make your life worse. There are all sorts of things each and everyone of you could do to take care of yourselves during those weekends and I'm sure you will know exactly what your needs are that you have neglected. I'm telling you though, that massage I got was entirely worth it! :) My best to each of you, Faithfully

All very valid suggestions. Also, keep in mind that these kids get older and there will come a day when you can go out and leave them home alone. We have been able to do that for a couple of years now, and wow, is it a nice feeling. It will happen. Sometimes, we would get the kids to bed early and once they were asleep, we would open a bottle of wine, light some candles and have a nice relaxing evening without having to go anywhere. You must make time to be a couple. Good luck.

You guys are all great people thanks for the advice. Things have actually started to get a little better. Me and my wife had a nice long talk. And we are actually going out this weekend kid free!

so glad things are going better!!!!

i know one of the things i've been working on (not there yet..) is to try harder to understand what is actually in my boy's control and what isn't...he is only 12, so there is still lots of brain development to occur--indeed, he is truly only about "half-baked" :-)

i find it really hard not to get angry repeatedly over his repeated behaviors--such as forgetting chores or homework, not telling the truth, impulsively taking things that don't belong to him...i give the consequences, we do the talking, etc., but it happens again and again...sigh.

you hang in there, and keep looking for solutions---i once in a while get Z's grandpa to takehim for overnight or a weekend, and that is such a relief...sitters are SO expensive--but i am trying to work out a trade with another single mom--our boys get along okay, and it's actually easier to have the two than to have just one, cuz they keep each other occupied. :-)

take care, and stay in touch!
bd

FatherofADHD: good for you guys! I even if this is the last getaway for awhile, make it worth it & make it last till the next time. BTW: hotmoms idea of mom & dad time when kiddos get to bed early is what saves my sanity week to week! Even though its only on week nights that the kids get to bed early I take advantage of my time to myself! Since I'm in school it usually means my time to study, but when I can get away with not touch my books, I will get out the bottle of wine, soak in a bath, redo paint on fingers and toenails, whatever I can do to make me feel like me! And when I'm lucky, every now and then the DH joins me in adult time!!

Sunpeaches thanks for all the great advice! We had a blast last night. We both might of had a little to much to drink. But it made for some great adult time later!!!!!!

My husband and I have been together 15 years, and this is BY FAR the hardest thing we have ever gone through. Just the fight to put my son on medication almost made us divorce, my husband thought my son just needed to "straighten up." This has been a long journey for us already. Things have gotten much better, and husband has come around and done an amazing job. Luckily, grandma will take our son on a Friday night through Saturday afternoon every once in a while and we can be our old selves and just relax for a little while. I believe this is a huge part of the reason we are still together.

Dealing with this disabilty is tough - no doubt about it. Hang in there with your wife. She is going through just as many hardships as you are and you will be SO glad that she is still there when things turn a corner and get better. I know I sure am!