I don't know if it is the answer but it seems to work better than anything else. Believe me for years I tried the soft approach, he is my son I would do anything for him. We did several rehabs, he lived here, but none of that worked the disease just kept progressing. Finally when he finished yet another rehab they told us he must not come home so they send in across the country to a long term rehab. He did great for a year then relapsed, lost everything got arrested. He is now in a court ordered rehab, very strict and is doing well. I told him when he was arrested a second time within months that we would not bail him out and he had a choice to make drugs or us. So far he has chosen to stay sober. He has a lot on the line if he screws up it is back to jail. Hopefully this is his bottom. So I guess my point is as much as we want to believe helping and love can fix everything this is so much bigger than we are. Let her know you love her and will help her in recovery but you will no longer enable her addiction. As you know this tears apart the rest of the family and it is not fair if they are going to ruin their lives there is no reason we should let them ruin ours too. This is their journey, not ours. there really is nothing we can do to stop it other than to offer help and wait until they are ready. Best of luck to you.

You need to talk with people who are in recovery. They all tell me that you have to let an addict fall and fall hard.
It very confusing, and ambivalent. At times, I have I thought I was using tough love and then I find myself sucked back into enabling him, because I think I'm supporting him in his recovery. Of course he loves that! Luckily each time he relapses and gets into trouble, I become smarter, and stronger. It is so hard though.

Your are so right EthelM.

I can relate to you in so many ways.I got to the point with my 19 year old son that I told him look I love you but I don't agree on how you live your life.I told him I couldn't be apart of his life unless he wanted to change& get help.He wasn't apart of my life for almost 3 weeks and it killed me but he came back asking to go into rehab.It was the best thing I could have ever done for my son.You need to ask yourself this question.Why would she need to change if she has a roof over her head,money,someone taking care of everything for her why would she want to stop living her life using drugs??Things are good for her so why would she want to change.I recently went to a family weekend workshop kinda thing which was very interesting by the way.There was a gentlemen that worked at the rehab and he told a few of us that if his mother would have not given him money,gotten him a lawyer when he was arrested and always being there to bail him out of a mess he said he would have stopped using drugs along time ago.By his mom always taking care of everything he continued to use drugs for years.It makes alot of sense when you start looking at this from the other side.We are all born to take care of our love ones no matter good or bad but this isn't the same thing.Tough love is the best gift you can give an addict.Things cannot change if they don't change!!!!I hope this make some sense to you.Contact me anytime.
Happy Thanksgiving !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much good advice here! You know we all felt the same way about helping our kids. It's our nature to help and protect. Understanding the different situations and how we feel....ourselves...about not helping is very personal. We don't want to be the "enabler". Sometimes the help given really does turn things around and our addict kids get the message. Different approaches for different scenarios, but if the addict keeps going back to drugs, are we really helping here? Good luck in making your decision. Only you will be able to deal with it in the end. We are all here to listen and discuss and always hope for the best outcome!!! Have a happy thanksgiving and be safe and well!

It sounds like you are enabling, and preventing her from learning from her mistakes. Just make the rules and expectations clear, and stick to them.

I agree with drap. My 20yr old son is a heroin addict and i attended the family weekend with drap. I couldn't have put in better words than what she did. By using tough love, it shows how much stronger our love for our children are! Be strong and contact me anytime as well!!! Hugs....

Personally as a recovering addict I do not think any of it helps until your ready. My father tried to beat it into me my mother was a enabler. When he died I walked all over her. If she would have beat me I would have still done what I did until I wanted to change.

Unfortunately you will have to do it for yourself. And tough love is not the answer. Boundaries are however necessary so that you are not part of the problem, and gets you out of the drivers seat. We have to turn it over to God, our Higher Power something other than ourselves or it will eat us alive and destroy the rest of the family, end up in divorces, depression, breakdowns, even suicide as the addicted person hurts people while they are off doing their thing, blocking the pain, while you suffer without a buffer.

Get into a recovery support group. Doing this alone or with little knowledge is not healthy for you or others that need your support and want to have a decent life. We are the parents but we are not God. We have to let our kids get their own scabs and it may lead to horrific things but you are powerless over any of it but having to watch it or be part of it. I had to love my brother from afar, he could not be in my life, even if he was not using that day as his behavior was still a problem and it always ended up a bad visit. Until he got into recovery and stayed in recovery I had to detach. He unfortunately overdosed 13 years later and I had not seen him all that time. His wife my best friend also is dead from the disease. We had many years history, a small family parents gone, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, as I had no one but my son, he had no uncles or aunts, grandparents, and I wanted so much for this to be but it was not meant to be.

Go on with your life, it will get easier but stop living hers.

You are not comparing apples with apples comparing normal care and protection for our children with self inflicted addiction. This is not your job nor can it be. Proffesionals have a tough time, and until she is ready you can only be part of the problem which is more harmful than helpful. You did not cause this, you cannot control this or cure this.

If there are children involved that is another story. Then and only then I totally believe something should be done to get them from the person abusing drugs. They are innocent and we as adults are responsible when we see this happening to do whatever necessary to keep them sage.

If you haven't joined Al Anon - do so.

The recovery support group is called Al Anon (in case you didn't know). It really helps a person to develop another mindset. Practice, reinforcement, attending meetings, purchasing daily readers from Al Anon gives you new ways to think. It's a process and it will take time to change your thinking but you must be patient and WILLING (like a addict) to help yourself.

If you tried Al Anon and didn't think it helped you, be willing to try other meetings and then stick to them for awhile.

*** Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference". It kind of sums it up.

My best to you.

If you haven't joined Al Anon - do so.

The recovery support group is called Al Anon (in case you didn't know). It really helps a person to develop another mindset. Practice, reinforcement, attending meetings, purchasing daily readers from Al Anon gives you new ways to think. It's a process and it will take time to change your thinking but you must be patient and WILLING (like a addict) to help yourself.

If you tried Al Anon and didn't think it helped you, be willing to try other meetings and then stick to them for awhile.

*** Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference". It kind of sums it up.

My best to you.