I work with parents who have young children and sometimes I am the bearer of the news that their child has a problem - a learning disability perhaps, or even something as minor as a speech problem. I am so familiar with their shock, and grief as they mourn the fantasy child and then their rich process of coming to know and love their real child. I know that htese parents often come to know and love their children in a way that is deep, playful, earthy, rich.
I have just started to realize that some of my current grief, as my 19 year old stumbles forward - sometimes doing well, sometimes relapsing, sometimes a jerk, sometimes an intelligent sensitive young man - that I am going to have to give up, once and for all, my fantasy child. If he ever existed, he is gone now.
My boy will not go to college, in all likelihood. If he does it will not be the way I did - 4 great years of study, fun, fascinating work and support from an institution that existed to help me grow. My boy does not know how to accept such gifts. My boy will find his own way - or find nothing at all. I am so sad for the part of him that wanted what I wanted - surely ashamed and disappointed not to have what I promised he would have in these years.
I am mourning my boy.
I have to learn to love the one I have. It won't be an open-hearted love, like I gave before. My real boy cannot accept such things without hurting me. But I am going to love him anyway.