Parents of Addicts Community Group
A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.
I work with parents who have young children and sometimes I am the bearer of the news that their child has a problem - a learning disability perhaps, or even something as minor as a speech problem. I am so familiar with their shock, and grief as they mourn the fantasy child and then their rich process of coming to know and love their real child. I know that htese parents often come to know and love their children in a way that is deep, playful, earthy, rich.
I have just started to realize that some of my current grief, as my 19 year old stumbles forward - sometimes doing well, sometimes relapsing, sometimes a jerk, sometimes an intelligent sensitive young man - that I am going to have to give up, once and for all, my fantasy child. If he ever existed, he is gone now.
My boy will not go to college, in all likelihood. If he does it will not be the way I did - 4 great years of study, fun, fascinating work and support from an institution that existed to help me grow. My boy does not know how to accept such gifts. My boy will find his own way - or find nothing at all. I am so sad for the part of him that wanted what I wanted - surely ashamed and disappointed not to have what I promised he would have in these years.
I am mourning my boy.
I have to learn to love the one I have. It won't be an open-hearted love, like I gave before. My real boy cannot accept such things without hurting me. But I am going to love him anyway.
I have just started to realize that some of my current grief, as my 19 year old stumbles forward - sometimes doing well, sometimes relapsing, sometimes a jerk, sometimes an intelligent sensitive young man - that I am going to have to give up, once and for all, my fantasy child. If he ever existed, he is gone now.
My boy will not go to college, in all likelihood. If he does it will not be the way I did - 4 great years of study, fun, fascinating work and support from an institution that existed to help me grow. My boy does not know how to accept such gifts. My boy will find his own way - or find nothing at all. I am so sad for the part of him that wanted what I wanted - surely ashamed and disappointed not to have what I promised he would have in these years.
I am mourning my boy.
I have to learn to love the one I have. It won't be an open-hearted love, like I gave before. My real boy cannot accept such things without hurting me. But I am going to love him anyway.
He'll find his own way in his own time.
I don't think you're mourning your boy. I think you're mourning what you wanted him to be.
He'll be fine.
Please don't ever give up hope. He's only 19 and has plenty of opportunities to change his life. I know of many people who are doing very well as adults who started out as immature brats, using drugs and drinking booze and generally making a mess of their lives. Sometimes it's hard to see the long-term when you are faced with a daily dose of manipulation, lying and drug use. That's when you need to "detach with love". Take a step back and switch your focus from his problems to finding ways that you can take care of yourself. Let him make mistakes and fall.
He may eventually go to college, but right now he's not up to the challenge. That's OK. Many people aren't at that age. I never went to college until I was 22. My husband started at 26. We waited until we were mature and ready to put in the effort and could see the benefit. We both have great careers now and it doesn't matter that we didn't go when we were 18. It might be best for him to just work for awhile and see what happens.