Parents of Addicts Community Group
A safe group for Mothers and Fathers of addicts, where we can share feelings, and ask for feedback.
I have a 24-year old daughter. She first began taking pills she told me about age 12. She saw a prescription bottle in my mothers cabinet that said it would caue drowsiness. She has always said she has trouble sleeping. we started having problems when she was in 3rd grade. That was when her dad and i divorced. It began with behavorial problems, skipping school, bad grades, fits of rage and outbursts. She went into counseling and was prescribed anti-depressants and tranquilizers to sleep and keep her calm. We later found out she was experimenting with oxycontin and other narcotics. She had an accident in high school and was prescribed pain pills for back pain. She has been taking one thing or another ever since. Going from hospital to hospital and dr to dr for prescriptions of narcotics. She was always very "convincing" that she was in pain. Nobody seemed to believe her but me. Her and her stepdad have never gotten along so she lived with her dad for a while (who is an alcoholic) and her grandmother who she was very disrespectful of and has damaged that relationship. In 2006 she had a beautiful babygirl. She moved around to a few different places. Once with a "FRIEND" who also abused pills. They would go the hospital together and sign in to get pills. I have had her daughter now for 2 1/2 years. The last time her dad kicked her out she came here because there was no other place for her to go. Claiming of course she was done with pills. Then when she started the repeated visits to all local hospitals she was asked to leave yet again. At which time she agreed to go to detox. She spent maybe 5 days there and was released. She actually seemed to be much worse. They had put her on suboxone. A drug for a drug? I paid for the medication for a time then she relapsed again and claimed "methadone" would be a better treatment. She started the methadone clinic in November 2009. Which we have to provide trasnportation to and from every day. Something my husband doesnt want to do. She seemed to be doing ok but instead of getting angry about someone taking her to the hospital she would freak out if she thought she couldnt get to the clinic. She didnt have her own transportation. She still sleeps all the time, doesnt take care of herself or her room, her daughter even though she was staying with us again. She was only concerned about getting to the clinic. About a week ago I noticed she was taking something besides the methadone. She would just pass out all the time. She finally admitted she had bought some xanax because she was having panic attacks???? And it was our fault because no one supported her while on methadone. It is not something I believe in. I believe she needs to be in a rehab facility. She has no motivation to get a job or anything. So a few days ago she had to go to the hospital because she said she had a kidney infection? She may have but I cant believe anything she says. My husband is currently out of work (a year now) so even though they dont get along her took was going to take her after dropping her daughter (our granddaughter off at the sitter). She had a another fit of rage and acted completley inappropriate in front of her daughter. So I told her that was it. She had to go back to her dads. I am TIRED. I am OVER IT. It is hard to even care anymore. She has been so cruel and mean over the years and blamed me for everything. And yet here i am wondering if I should make her stay at her dads. He is an alcoholic. He will not take her to the methadone clinic. And though I dont believe in it she will have to detox from it. I dont know what to do anymore. I am so stressed and tired and depressed I didnt even want to come home every day. I have two other children besides my granddaughter that dont want her to come back. I dont want her here but I still feel bad. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!
A therapist asked me a few weeks ago, "Is Love Sacrifice?" I asked others to respond to this question and several mixed in "suffering for a loved one" mixed in with sacrifice. Certainly we all have sacrificed and we all have suffered. We have also lost a great deal. When I acknowledge what I have lost I fall to pieces and cry/sob.
There is no way to reclaim what has been lost in my relationship with my son. However, as they say in Al Anon, "we can be happy whether the alcoholic (fill in drug addict here) is still drinking (drugging) or not." And to this I answer "Yes, one day at a time."
Be brave...courageous and trust in the process.
You give her a roof over her head and a ride to the clinic everyday.
You also support her child.
Good luck
We all can empathize with what you feel. One thing we ALL know - at some point in time, just as the addict hits bottom - we hit bottom. Enough is enough. We learn to love ourselves more than the addict. We realize we are sacrificing ourselves and the rest of the family for the addict. Hurt, mad, helpless, and hopeless we mirror what the addict is doing to themselves as we allow it to be done to us and our family.
I, in no way am pointing a finger, I merely point out a fact. Each of us has to reach our own personal bottom and decide with conviction we must move forward with OUR life. The choices our children make, the paths they choose, are not what we would choose, but they are their choices. And with each choice comes a chance, or a consequence. Without consequence their is no growth and no lesson. Each addict is different, each bottom is different, they all reach it in their own time.
As a responsible parent we must remember, though we want to fix it we don't. We want to erase the pain, we can't. We want to rescue, we don't. She does have somewhere to go. It's called rehab. The hardest thing I finally accepted was letting our son pay the consequences, if it meant jail, prison, the streets, or a life I would not choose, I could no longer stop him from making his choices and ultimately suffering the consequences. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is help them hit bottom faster and harder.
Hugs!!!!
My brother was on it for 20+ years at the V.A. He died 9 years ago from a heroin coke od.
He still got hi with all of his other drugs, Heroin, coke, downers.
I cant see where it did any good. Most of the guys there were on it for years also.
My friends who kicked all did it in jail cold turkey.
And just as mgs1 said I know she has to hit bottom. I have been enabling her for so long now. That may still be a ways away for her. Nobody else REALLY knows what we have been through. We dont go around telling everybody our business. So some think we are just being MEAN to her! There is no telling what she says. I am sure she will use her manipulation on others.
You may have said, but who pays for her Methadone? I can remember being dumb enough to give my son money for his "probation fee." What an idiot I was. He was no more paying that fee than the man in the moon was.