We have a 22 year old son who is an addict, the big H, oxy, you name it he's done it.....he was in the Navy at 17, VERY promising, seemed to love it, had a 2 1/2 year contract, deployed, bought a car, paid it off in less than a year, SO very proud of him. He came out, came home and it started. He was distant, totally out of character after about a month of being home. Now it's been 3 years and the revolving door here was closed 2 months ago. I couldn't take anymore. I went to therapy, felt SO good about it all. He was in school just prior, since august and was doing so well, a friend died of an OD and he blamed himself, instead of going for help with it, he went back to the big H and relapsed, he flunked out of school, came home in Dec, told us how WELL he did etc...then two days prior to going back dropped the bomb on us. I kicked him out bag and baggage. He's been couch hopping with friends, mad at me for a bit, then we where talking a couple times a week, i would give no money, no rides etc...then it seemed he was doing well, talking with the VA, getting his life together, said he wasn't doing drugs, yeah smoking pot, but that was the only thing keeping him calm enough. Okay. So he needed a ride from our town to his friends, he was stuck, I gave him a ride, during the ride he was crying that he was sick of living this way, he was so close to getting it all together, yada yada yada...a few days went by, he was telling me about the meetings with the VA the assistance he was recieving to get his own place, yada yada yada. He was working sat night locally at a resturant bussing dishes and was here to wait for his ride and was on the phone, then got off and said his GF was going on vaca for two weeks and now he had nowhere to go and started crying. I had a twinge of 'oh nicely played manipulation here', but felt bad as he seemed on the right track...so I told him he could stay here for a couple weeks BUT there would be ground rules. I laid them out: 1.) no drinking NO DRUGS 2.) no going out late at night or staying over anyones house, if he is staying here he is to be in at 11pm and going to sleep 3.) pick up after yourself 4.) daily job hunting and last but not least, getting all affairs in order. We made a SCHEDULE for the week. getting his license back yada yada....so yesterday he gets his 401K monies deposited into his account that he was waiting for. Went out with a friend oh yeah another rule any one coming to pick him up pulls UP IN OUR DRIVEWaY to get him, which they did, he came home at 10pm said he was going to bed, I get up at 3am and he is GONE. REALLY? So I called he said he was at that same friends house. REALLY? I KNEW he would screw this up the minute the money came in. So today, i'm back to square one, I hate my life, I hate my kid, I can't TAKE this anymore and I'm tired of watching it. He has some money, so go find a hotel room, i was trying to AVOID him wasting his money that way, but ya know what? Did he pay me back the 55.00 it cost me to get his guitar out of hawk? NOPE, said he had other expenses that where more important. OH OKAY...so today I will SELL that guitar to a friend and not say a freaking word. I'll keep the money and maybe ONE day he will get his crap in order and I will give it to him, maybe. It's not the money, it is that he manipulated me to let him stay here, we did and he goes back to the SAME CRAP and doesn't care how much he hurts us.

There is NOTHING IN THE RULE BOOK THAT says we HAVE TO LOVE OUR CHILDREN. If love is not returned how can it be?

So I have packed up his crap and he THINKS I'm going to have my hair done at 11:45 and I'll cancel that appt, as I cancelled my getaway with my hubby because we allowed him to come home this past weekend. Yup again he has screwed up my life, used me, stepped all over me....welp you reap what you sow right?

I feel badly that I have no compassion for him. But don't you earn compassion and trust and love?

I've done it all, rehab, doctors blah blah blah, he has a lovely home. His shipmate passed through town this weekend, they stopped by. her comment was our home was like a magazine and he was VERY fortunate to have a family that worked hard to put such a nice roof over his head....THAT fell on deaf ears EH? He doesn't want to better himself.

So far, since Saturday he has broken the following:
1.) came home drunk monday afternoon
2.) came home last night and went back out and stayed out
3.) Left dishes downstairs and in the sink (the dishwasher is empty and 16 inches from the sink)
4.) Left clothes all over the floor in his old room.

What else do you do? I'll pray for the best and expect the worst.

The WORST thing about it is how STRONG I was for the two months saying no no no no and now my sister won't talk to me saying I'm stupid and can't believe I let him back in the door.....and my hubby, not really talking to me either and it was HIS IDEA to let him move back for a bit.

How the hell do I become the bad guy in all this when all I'm doing is trying to help another human being straighten out his life. I saw a little ray of light and was really betting on it.....I lose...like I always do.