I hope your daughter is navigating this situation well. It can be tough to be different. Are there other kids in your area whose parents share your same rules? Maybe if she could spend at least some time with them it would be easier for her. Can she take leadership classes? Would a mentor (other than you, but who supports your values) help her develop the confidence she needs? Hope things are well.

It is helpful to our kids when we try to see things from THEIR point of view, rather than try to convince them to see things from OUR point of view. IF they listen, they merely say "but, but, but" to every point we think we are making, followed by "they just don't understand..." Asking questions listening, acting as guides and mentors, giving resources, and empathizing with their feelings-- these are more effective strategies. Reading a few books and articles aimed at providing adults with information about how kids at this age and stage typically think, feel, etc... are a MUST if we are to have a basic starting point for helping them deal with whatever issues are arising. Without that, we really are lost in the wilderness-- regarding and treating them as mini-adults who are capable of reasoning as we do-- and this is totally misguided and ineffectual.

I would encourage you to realize that her desire to fit in and engage in activities/behavior that matches what she BELIEVES other kids are doing is NORMAL for her age. (that does not mean that all of those kids actually are allowed to do those things she tells you that they do). Expanding her world to see herself through the eyes of her peers, wanting to fit in, developing concerns about whether she is popular (like-able/love-able/normal/OK or not) is what all youngsters do at this age and stage. That does not mean that she lacks self-confidence or is a follower! What parents think is still very important, BUT what her PEERS think and do and how they see her-- this is becoming increasingly important-- because that is part of normative identity development.

Can you sway her to think as you do? Can you convince her to join social groupings of kids her age that you approve of? Can you choose a mentor FOR her? Most likely not.

You can, however, empathize with how very difficult it is to see other kids doing things that they describe as fun, while she is not allowed to do those things. Tell her ONCE, why your rules are what they are. Repeating these again and again annoys youngsters. Its likely that she already knows full-well they whys, and that you are looking out for her best interests. However, reiterating how SHE is probably feeling, and the inner-conflict between what she says she wants in order to be popular and what she knows to be best for her-- confirms for her that you are TRYING to understand her, and that you are empathetic to her difficult situation. Giving her permission in WISHES... i.e. "I/we WISH that we could allow you to do whatever you want, whatever you think your friends are doing, so as to make you happy-- would be terrific-- if only these were healthy and safe things for you TO do. "

It is also useful for a child/youth to have someone to talk with about the societal norms-- someone other than their parents. You might bring that up in conversation, and ask HER who she would feel comfortable talking with. Think: guide, rather than choose FOR her.