Parenting Toddlers (1-3) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of toddlers (1 to 3 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.
Here is the situation. My stepson's biological mother abandoned him at 3 months old. My husband and I met after he was 2 years old. He is almost 4 now and I have been his mother the entire time. Full time mommy. He has not been pressured by anyone, and has come to call me mommy and he even tells me he loves me often. Many times per hour. I am going to speak to a lawyer next month about adopting him, especially because I love him and view him as my own, and my husband does too. I am unfortunately temporarily living with my in laws, and they have a couple people staying here part time while they go to college, and these people are friends of my husband and his brother. BOTH of these people have been stepping on my toes and cutting in on my parenting role. I snapped today and yelled at one of them. This was the conversation:
"I dont need your 2 cents"
"Well I didnt need your 2 cents when yelling at the dog"
"Guess what, my kid, and my dog"
"Guess what, not your kid"
I snapped and yelled at him after that and then there was silence. I was very hurt, and I expected something like that from the other person thats been acting like this but not from him. The other day there was a conversation between me and this person that involved me yelling at him for overstepping his boundaries and he said "Well Im his uncle" (Hes just my husbands close friend) and I got upset. So apparently this guy thinks that he has more authority over my son because he is his "uncle" than I do for being his stepmom, so he doesnt see me as having any authority at all? I just want to know what I should do about this. I cant just casually talk to him about it this guy is an asshole, so is the other person trying to step in. I want to avoid getting violent with him, he is much bigger than me and I dont want my son to see it. I have tried avoiding him altogether but its hard since we are all staying in the same house and we both sleep in the living room at night. I just dont know what to do.
"I dont need your 2 cents"
"Well I didnt need your 2 cents when yelling at the dog"
"Guess what, my kid, and my dog"
"Guess what, not your kid"
I snapped and yelled at him after that and then there was silence. I was very hurt, and I expected something like that from the other person thats been acting like this but not from him. The other day there was a conversation between me and this person that involved me yelling at him for overstepping his boundaries and he said "Well Im his uncle" (Hes just my husbands close friend) and I got upset. So apparently this guy thinks that he has more authority over my son because he is his "uncle" than I do for being his stepmom, so he doesnt see me as having any authority at all? I just want to know what I should do about this. I cant just casually talk to him about it this guy is an asshole, so is the other person trying to step in. I want to avoid getting violent with him, he is much bigger than me and I dont want my son to see it. I have tried avoiding him altogether but its hard since we are all staying in the same house and we both sleep in the living room at night. I just dont know what to do.
Go to your husband with this problem. Its his friend and he knows the best way to deal with him. Its really important how you do approach your hubby in this matter, as this is his friend and he may get prickly if you talk down to him. Just put it as simply as possible to avoid additional drama- he's crossed the line and needs to be understand that. Your son is probably already confused enough. He doesn't need a third parent in the picture.
I know its really frustrating living in with family, but simply bide your time. Don't let a jerk get the better of you. Remain calm and don't let him see that it bothers you. After all, he may get out of control, but you are still a mother and need to set an example for your son- otherwise he will start to pick up the same habits. If the guy sees that he gets under your skin, he'll only do it more. Throw him off by showing him a bit of respect. You never know if he will give it in return.
Save up and get outta there as soon as you can. If you had a place of your own, these problems magically disappear. If you can't afford it, then apply for some sort of financial aid.
While you are stuck living there, get out of the house as often as you can. Its easy to get caught up in someone else's depression or negative feelings when you are living under the same roof. be true to yourself. It helps to go out to a friend's house with your son or even the two of you going out to walk the dog.
I've been an Auntie several times in my life to my many nieces and nephews. I helped raise my step-sister's five kids, my step-brother's son, and my half-brother's daughter. Now, I am helping raise my husband's cousin's 2 daughters as well as my own. I might have helped raise the kids, but the parent's say was written in stone. Auntie or Uncle has no power over their nephews and nieces. I always understood that and that is why my relationship is very strong with my siblings and we didn't have to argue over that. An Auntie or Uncle can help guide children along the way, but in the end, it is not their child or their responsibility. That is something your husband will need to try to get across. Its hard enough having a jigsaw puzzle for a family.
As for what you can do- if you are committed to being the boy's mother, then open your heart to him. Don't even use the word stepson anymore. My mother met my "dad' when I was 8-9 months old. He adopted me into his name when he married my mom when I was 2 years old. To me, he will always be dad regardless if he is or not. There is a lot of potential there with you and your son. Rebuild that family and allow these hard times to make you stronger.
You could let them upset you all you want, but what will that achieve? It'll stress you out, which stresses out your son, which will build up and then spread to your husband and the rest of the household. Before you know it, everyone will be at each others throats. Keep the peace and try to be happy with the cards you have been dealt, even if they are not the best. Eventually, your home will be ready and you will have control over who you have around the house. If your roommate starts to be unpleasant, walk away and go spend some time with your son. Kids do the funniest things sometimes and it may raise your spirits.
Another idea I have is not exactly the best thing to do, but it would work in your situation. Be manipulative, but in a good way. If you see the guy coming at you whinging about this and that, do something to make him smile or laugh- brighten his mood. If you're having a negative conversation with him, take control of it and subtly steer it towards a better topic. When he comes around, smile brightly and ask how his day was. Be nice to him.
Send messages to him that you do not want to be his enemy. Try to see it from his perspective. Is he jealous? Is he just having a rough time with life at the moment? This really sounds like an underlying problem that he is not able to voice. Maybe he is venting and he doesn't really mean to take it out on you. I don't know the exact situation you are in, but it definitely sounds like there is some other problem involved. You never know if you can come out of this with another friend in your pocket, rather than an enemy. Give it a try and see how it goes.
((hugs)) I hope things start to look up for you soon.