Parenting Toddlers (1-3) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of toddlers (1 to 3 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.
Hello all, I am new here and seeking some impartial advice/feedback for my wife.
We have two kids (Irish twins), the second was born last month. We have hit the most serious rough patch in our relationship. Yesterday, she just told me that she hated me out of the blue, without any warning signs in our relationship. In fact, we have been working on us to improve our relationship since getting pregnant with #2. We have spent one day a month together either going away (when we can) or going on a date at the very least. For Mother's Day, I got her a Spa day to take some time away from kids. She became a stay at home mom this year as childcare for 2 little ones would've been an entire salary. I also have a graduate education, and therefore can support us in additional ways and have taken on extra work (3 jobs).
I am concerned with the statement that she has made regarding her mental health. She would not talk to me about it after she said it and completely blocked me out. Last night, I received silence when I asked her if she wanted me to sleep with her in bed or stay in our boy's room. I am terrified about her mental state and the safety of our children due to my knowledge about untreated PPD. The irony is I am in the mental health field, but post-partum is not my speciality and I have no idea who to turn to. I don't want to talk about it at work, as she used to work there and I don't want her to feel guarded or ashamed in anyway.
I am going to try and reach out to my mother-in-law for support with the kids this week, as it seems as though she can use some extra help. I am also going to try my best and come home after my full-time job to take our older boy to the park to have some normalcy for him as well. I can see it in his eyes when she was leaving this morning that he misses his mama so badly, and it breaks my heart.
If anyone could provide some feedback as to next steps or to how to go about better supporting my wife, I would so greatly appreciate it.
So sorry you are going through this. You probably know all about projection being in the mental health field. My initial thought is that she's projecting her feelings about herself onto you. I doubt she hates you. As someone who has gone through two separate rounds of PPD, I said horrible things like this to my own husband, but really I had terrible self-loathing I was going through. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I hope you don't take on her words as her truth, as much as it hurts to hear stuff like that.
You mention a mother-in-law in the picture. Can you take her up on perhaps watching the children so you both can get away, even for a few hours? You could have a heart-to-heart with her about next steps in how you want to proceed. Or, couple's therapy (you probably know it can help to have an objective standpoint to help). You both deserve so much more than living with this. I found that individual therapy helped me the most and eventually I was able to climb out of the darkness. I wish you the best--keep me posted with your next steps, if you'd like.
You are not alone. Best wishes!
I know that she has struggled with her self esteem despite having been tested to have a brilliant IQ and constantly receiving positive feedback about her beauty. I think that she doubts herself as a mother and that I don't reassure her properly as I don't validate her feelings correctly.
The hardest thing for me as a therapist is knowing how to be her husband and not her therapist. Someone suggested taking her to an appt, I may mention it to our PCP or her OBGYN, both of whom I have had frank conversations with in the past, to see if they could bring up the recommendation. I don't want to completely disempower her by taking on her case management as well!
Thank you so much for your feedback!