Usually I am the one to recognize it's time for the change. I am her primary caretaker, plus I am also the one who does the research on these things, the one who networks with other toddler moms, and the one with an advanced degree that required a lot of education in child development. But unless it is something totally minor, I do run things by my partner. She rarely disagrees but it's her kid too, plus she also has to know for the times she is with DD by herself.

Stuff like how much of a treat is ok we almost always leave up to whichever parents' discretion. My DD is an Annie's fruit snack junkie so we have had to limit her consumption of those and I will give my partner a heads up if she's met her quota of those for the day. Otherwise it is generally up to the parent who is with DD or who is dispensing the treat to decide.

I think it's the primary person and the one who has the most knowledge and connection with the child. The things U listed aren't really things my husband would know about or notice..but the pacifier and bedtimes and stuff are things that affect everyone involved. I would discuss those with hubby and then after we made a choice..I would inform the grandma's since they watch our kids.

In my house I do most of the care-giving and the research. I will often discuss with DH, but he usually just goes along with it unless he has a serious problem with the plan. Of course, I also argue for my way....so that may play a role. For example, I decided when we would start solid foods, that we would use the paci only for naptime, what the bed time routine was, etc. because I was the one doing it. When it came to something like DS sleeping in our bed vs his own bed, DH and I decided together as it affected both of us.