I wish I could just give you a set of rules that you could Implement and one set of rules and it would just work but I think it's probably not that simple. Sorry.
What I would do at this point if I were you would be to focus on the relationships and put them in front of the actual rules of the household. it is really important that you and he be on the same page as far as the rules if you're going to try and enforce them . it looks like you have a tough road ahead of you for a few years while you find what works for your family, but keep in mind one day they will be grown-ups and you're not going to be able to make them do anything so relationships and imparting wisdom are a good way to go.

also talking about responsibility and them putting themselves in your position like you if they're home late .then what would you be thinking if you were to ask them if they'd be thinking if they were the parent in their child wasn't home on time.

Best wishes.

I'm more in line with your thought process, there should be boundaries and consequences. If there are not, what expectations are we setting as they are approaching adulthood? As parents are we not to prepare them the best we can for making decisions and how to handle whatever consequence that follows as well as teaching them life skills and coping mechanisms? I know this is subjective to a point depending upon the individuals involved, but if given free reign and no boundaries, I feel that is not helping teens/soon to be adults at all.

Hello. I want to tell you about a couple of books/classes I have experienced that seem on-point to this discussion. First, are the books by Dr. Leonard Sax. I have all boys, so I read Boys Adrift. It helped me for him to break down some of the research regarding screen time and some other things. I do not agree with all of his conclusions and/or methodology, but I bet your husband would agree (Sax has a very male perspective on everything). However, Sax also has a book just on girls (Girls on the Edge), as well as one on parenting that I haven't yet read. Further, I went to hear him speak yesterday. He discussed generally the importance of knowing what (mostly) girls are doing on social media and (mostly) boys are doing on video games and the internet. He stressed that ONLY parents are able to do this and that there is significant evidence based on longitudinal studies about the importance of restricting these privileges and the high risk of things like depression and suicide if unchecked. He talked about no more than 40 minutes per day for social media, for example. Also that there is NO privacy for ANY photos posted on the internet for ANYONE, and so the child should be told that if he/she does not want you (the parent) seeing it, then it should not be even taken, let alone posted. I would argue this is true of words posted or texted also--we live in a world of forever. But, he also talked about how crucial it is for the parents to be united in their parenting effort. One parent talked about how she was strict and the husband lenient and it drove her nuts. He suggested she have a list of categories (like the ones you listed), about which you come to a compromised and united solution with regard to the boundaries. So, perhaps you both need to budge a bit, but the important thing here is to have a boundary and to hold it firmly.

This brings me to my other recommendation: Brene Brown. She wrote several books on vulnerability and connection generally and has some podcasts and course offshoots specifically related to parenting. She also has one of the top TED Talks if you want to see if her style floats your boat. She has helped me with parenting and pretty much every single relationship I have (as parent, spouse, child, sister, boss, colleague, employee, neighbor, friend, aunt, etc.)
Regardless, the part that is most relevant here is about boundaries and expectations. She explains that the parent's job is to establish the boundary (this would be very good for your husband to pay attention to because she believes it is critical to establishing a foundation of trust between parent and child such that the child feels supported enough to try new things, etc.). Then, it is the TEEN'S JOB to TEST the boundary (i.e., it is developmentally appropriate and even healthy for a teenager to push against the boundary). Most importantly, though, it is the parent's job to then respectfully HOLD the boundary (i.e., do not give in). What was stunningly enlightening for me when she described this is that the reason holding the boundary is so important has nothing to do with the phone or whatever the boundary is related to. Instead, it is MODELING how to hold a boundary. So, if you modify the boundary because she says "everyone else is doing it" or "I'll be called a loser" or "I will hate you if you don't let me" or whatever, then you are teaching her that it is ok to give in to peer pressure if all her friends are doing it or calling her names or if they will hate her. This was incredibly powerful to realize.

So, even if you don't want to delve into that literature, I think you can go to your husband and say that you were reading something on parenting and that, especially for teenagers, boundaries are necessary. So, let's talk about what our boundaries are for each of these categories, and also how we are modeling the type of behavior we want to see in the children. (By the way, this means that if you are telling her no phone in the room or no more than 40 minutes on Facebook, you must show her that YOU don't have the phone in your room and YOU cut yourself off of FB at 40 minutes. This is MUCH more powerful than lecturing. There is data to support the effectiveness of modeling v. lecturing as well.)

I hope this helps! Good luck to you!

Wow. It sounds like you married a boy with dependants.

When teens are involved melding families is really hard. Both parents have to be on the same page. There should be two fronts. Parents vs, Kids.
If I were you...I would care for my child (I guess that means your son) and have him care for his daughters. I would do this until he is ready to talk. It seems that you are raising 4 children in this family. He needs to step up and support you 100% even if you are wrong from time to time.

If he does not do this then you need to take an inventory of your marriage.

Teen boys are hard. Teen girls are even harder. Not being related to these felines when they are in their late teens....well I guess you're the maid aren't you? We teach people how to treat us. Hopefully, you are a strong independent woman. Hang in there and protect your son.

The girls aren't really your responsibility. They're his responsibility. In the best circumstances, we realise that we can only control ourselves. I wouldn't try to be a mother to these girls but nor would I want to be their jailer. I would care for my husband (if I was a woman) and little more.

I would encourage and teach the children how to feed themselves, wash their own clothes, plan their own meals, provide for their own transportation needs now that they are on that upper age limit where they are almost out the door.
As far as the 13-year-old girl....remind her that she is a child and insist on your husband to support you.

No support. No chauffeur. No maid. No cook. No teacher. No counsellor. No party planner. Maybe no marriage. If you really married a grown boy you might just want to rethink marriage. See counselling.

You can just make a task schedule for your kids. Now days there are a lot of apps available where you can assign tasks to your kids and ask them to complete. It is the best way to handle the teens. This way you would not look hard towards your kids and your motive will be solved as well.

The problem is that one of you is a parent that understands parenting is about raising children to adults.
The other is your husband.

I’m sorry to say but this is likely to not end well.

He is a shitty parent, I don’t know how you could change that but that is what needs to change or you will suffer.

His kids won’t respect you, ever
Unless he becomes a parent soon

Setting a limit or having higher expectations is not a good way in parenting. Instead if you can ask your kids to work what they love to do, you will have a chance of better communication with them. If you will give rewards to your children on completion of a particular task, then you can have better understanding with them.

Can you as a family or team come up with some expectations to run the family in the healthiest way. Breaking the law is not okay, juuling, drinking alcohol, drugs etc is okay to prohibit. Kids do want limits, but fair and not shaming when broken. They need you as an excuse to not do things in the strong social network circles. I have things that help me parent, i pay for phone but it has gps on it. grades are important. you cant do this unless your husband is on the same team. good parent is so fun and you being "bad parent" isnt fair.

Teenage is the time when slowly you have to step back and let your children take charge of their lives. More often, parents get to hear a common phrase ‘It’s my life, I can manage on my own. You don’t need to interfere’. Despite this attitude, they struggle daily. It is important to understand the adolescence and the brain behind it.

Try these Rules – how to deal with teenagers

1) Connect with your Teenager

Teens go through difficult times every day such as puberty, bullying, projects, submissions, exams, obsessiveness about their bodies, competitiveness and much more. During this phase, they detach themselves from us. This is the time we need to focus more on their problems to reconnect again with them. If your teenager is fighting with you over small issues regularly, choose what is the most important thing you need to focus on? Look into the situation and maintain balance. Decide and write down three most important things you need to focus on.

2) Do Not Fight on Every Thing, Focus on what is Important
Teenagers usually fight when they know that their parents would not agree with their decisions. When they choose a career which we as parents think, would not give them more money or they’ll be homeless in future due to this. Relax and look back to your teenage years. When you wanted a school of your choice and your parents did not let you choose. Discuss with your children the pros and cons of everything and let them decide. It is your duty to show them the guiding light, they have to walk alone. Parents will not stay forever with children.

3)
Listen Mindfully

We all know how ‘lack of communication’ creates most of the problems. It is very important to communicate to build any relation. Talking and speaking up is the key to a good relationship. We hardly get any time to talk to our teenager. Sometimes they are busy and sometimes parents are busy. But in the case of teenagers, talking can end up in a fight. We start giving them lectures and that is the reason they don’t want to share anything with us.

Try not to suppress their emotions, it will make them angrier. Let them go through all this and understand, it is natural and part of human life. If they fight with a friend, let them fight. Help them to reconnect later.

Hope this will help all the parents to deal with their teenagers in a friendly manner. You can read more about this topic at www.wonderparenting.com