I know what you are going through Mama22, My daughter 17 wanted to live with her dad and I allowed her to. she never wants to see me and only time I hear from her is when she wants money, she doesn't want me on her social media and really wants nothing to do with me. I'm over it.

Hi Mama22.

Sorry you are going through this. I haven't actually been through it myself. I know conventional wisdom says that with time and patience he'll come back, but I haven't seen that myself (it might still be true though). But a few years ago an older parent told me some advice she gave to another person who felt estranged from her child. She told the person to 'find something she needs and be the provider of that'. I was just wondering is there anything your son's girlfriend needs / wants that you could occasionally provide. I know it sounds a little manipulative, but it's totally normal for a 17 yo boy with a girlfriend to be MIA from his parents as much as possible. If you've met her and have any common interests he'd probably be around more if she were. If this sounds like it at all might make things worse then of course don't try it - like I said, I haven't been there.

Best wishes.

PS It also occurs to me that this is a traditional time for a young man to test his freedom - so of course don't appear to be trying too hard..... teenagers....just wait 'til THEY have them then they'll see....:)

Dear Mama22,

He's doing just what he should be doing. He's 17.
Wow, this is a difficult one? You're his mother, not his best friend.
I suggest that you begin to live your own life. Go out to dinner. Date. Find friends of your own age to pal with. You son is a man--almost. Ignore him.
He will begin to come back to you, perhaps when he is in his mid-twenties with children and too many responsibilities of his own. Face it, lady, if you haven't already solidified that mother-son bond before now, it's likely that you will never have it. But I think you do.
Go out and begin to live your life. Force him to do all the things that at 15 he should be doing by himself:
Making his own dinners,
Homework
Keeping house (cleaning and stuff)
Laundry
You are raising an adult. You are not raising a child. He is a child, to begin with, why would you want him to remain one? Your job is to peek in on his progress here and there, now and again. Be that safety net, but no more. After he is showing signs of needing you to teach him a skill or skills that he did not have, help him. And in those quiet brief moments alone with him remind this boy that you love him and get out again, In less than 3 years he will be on his own and playing the part of an adult. Demand he do it. That front door rarely swings both ways and you gave a solemn vow to God to nurture and love and then let go.
“Something has spoken to me in the night...and told me that I shall die, I know not where. Saying: "[Death is] to lose the earth you know for greater knowing; to lose the life you have, for greater life; to leave the friends you loved, for greater loving; to find a land more kind than home, more large than earth.” ― Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again

I understand your situation Mama22. It's totally normal for your 17 year old to not be home much. Especially if he has a girlfriend.

To counter this same thing happening with my 17 year old son, I insist that we spend SOME time together. We go on vacations once a year (with his brother) for a week, we go tubing down the river in the summer (my birthday) and we do one fun thing together over the winter. Once in a blue moon he'll agree (and sometimes suggest!) to go to the movies. He likes to cook so sometimes he makes dinners. Anything more is a bonus, in my mind. He just sees me as this foreign creature, with antiquated social and political views. He's the enlightened one! Oh, just wait!!

I do require that he let me know where he is, especially since he's a driver, but he often forgets to text me once he arrives someplace. I'll text him just to be sure he's arrived. He still asks me if he can go places, and I basically never say no. It's common courtesy on his end, and I'm happy he's mature enough to ask. I trust him (well.....).

Funny story - this past winter he and some friends wanted to drive up to Canada (7 hours) to go skiing. I said YES! I told him I'd help him get his passport and that he could take the car, the rest he had to figure out. He was ecstatic! Until he realized he couldn't rent a hotel room (too young), and that none of his friends wanted to go the backup route of sleeping in their car in Canada in the winter. I never discouraged him, fully knowing that the trip just wasn't going to happen. It was kinda fun watching the group go through the planning, even if it never got beyond planning in their heads. I fully expect them to try again next winter when they're 18. If they manage it, I'm sure they'll be ok. I want him to be able to take on the world, and he does so a little bit more each day. Just be glad there's texting these days, imagine even a decade ago, you'd probably have almost zero communication with your wandering teen.

I wouldn't worry to much if he is doing good in school and is holding a job he is doing better than the average teen. My oldest son was the same way it was all about his friends. He was skipping school, hanging with the wrong crowd, getting into trouble. He turned 21 last year and is over that phase. He visits me when he can. On valentines day he brought me roses, chocolate, and a card. He said how much he appreciated me and how bad he felt of all the hard times he gave me. My heart melted! Hang in there, things will get better. Have to give it a lot of patience and a lot of time! As long as he is doing good in school and holding a job I would focus on doing you!