I went through this with my son. What a challenge! He often got me going right through the roof! I often collapsed, sobbing, feeling like such a failure as a mom.

I am so glad that my son is 18 now and I can simply assure him frequently that I love him dearly, am wishing him well, etc. I also have the power now to set rules and demand that they be followed. If he chooses to not follow the rules, I can now kick him out of the house. He just finished bumbling through his first semester of college. He might not come home for break because I have come across so strongly about the rules he will have to follow. I sum up the rules quite simply: no disruptions, and then explained what kind of behavior I want from him (help with chores, follow curfew, no drinking drugs or sex, keep me informed of where he is at all times, guests only with permission).

Advice just came to mind. Find your teeth. What I mean is, instead of getting upset by his behavior, remember the power that you have: what do you do for him? What privelages does he have? Define disruptive behavior. When he is disruptive, point it out and tell him what the consequence will be if he continues. Give him the choice of continuing or going to his room or going for a walk or whatever you think will help him to blow off his steam.

Define his privelages: use of the TV, computer, stereo, cell phone...car rides, allowance, special foods...you can make these available only when he is pleasant to have around.

Hang in there.
My son who will be 18 shortly was mad and talking nasty to me the other day.
I told him he could leave now. Pack his stuff and leave.
He's been a lot nicer lately.
Joe.

Hang in there.
My son who will be 18 shortly was mad and talking nasty to me the other day.
I told him he could leave now. Pack his stuff and leave.
He's been a lot nicer lately.
Joe.

Oh gosh...hormones!!!

My son gets very adimant sometimes. As though he needs to defend the fact that he is right at all costs.

It's been a rough month to say the least. I have a zero tolerance policy in my house for disrespect. If my son gets real mouthy...like something that would get him a detention in school or a ticket with a police officer.....I take away his room. Having ones own room is a privelege that not ever kid has anyway. His mattress comes out and into the office...and his door gets a new lock on it that he is not allowed to have a key for. It may sound drastic....but I would never allow anyone to verbally attack my son or myself...and I feel that we should behave better than that to each other.

Ummm...I think after 4 weeks in the office....he finally is "getting it" he has been respectful today and yesterday.

I think what really made the difference these past two days is I've been directly addressing his attitude and explaining in specific details what is and isn't acceptable.

In the past I just tell him that he needs to stop talking to me right now....and come back when he has a nicer demeaner and would like to discuss things and not just argue. Well...me just disengaging and leaving him when he disrespected didn't teach him what I meant by respect. I think he is finally getting what it is I mean by respect...I directly tell him where he went wrong in the conversation.

(my son also has asperger's and needs these things spelled out more than most....but take what you need from my post)

Lynnda, my son hasn't been diagnosed with Aspergers, he, too, always needs to prove that he's right, and he needs things spelled out to him in precise detail. My daughters "get it" and "catch on" quickly. Not him.

joemm, you reminded me of what I did that stopped my son in his tracks a year or so ago: I told him that I was considering making plans for him to return to live at his father's house.

I hat to say it but it's nice to know that I am not alone. I Thank all of you for your responses. I have to not let him get to me, I can't lose my tmper and yell back it seems that almost give more power.
He went to his Dads on Friday for the weekend, it's kind of funny, he's called everyday to say he loves me and misses being home. He supposed to go every other weekend but doesn't always go. Sometimes I think when kids have options like going to Mom or Dads house it creates problems like they can act badly then leave unil things calm down.
I am sure we'll get thru this, but why do I have to get the grey hair for it..
Thanks again great advice.

I recommend the book "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy" by Dr. Michael Bradley. It's the best book and extremely helpful. Just about any question you might have is in there. An easy read, too.

Thanks for calling me out Glinda...sometimes I don't know what is "typical" boy teen behavior...you're right...seems like he takes longer to "get it" than girls.

Oh boy campyone, wow...things do take a bad turn right before my son is due to visit his dad in NY. He knows he'll be gone and takes advantage of the fact. Also in all fairness...he doesn't always "get" that the consequences WILL STILL be in effect when he gets back. Or if he does get it...It is like he takes his chances that I will forget. (I am very forgetful) But I write down the consequences so that they are not forgotten and cannot be questioned.

My son also acts badly before going to dad's almost in order to bond with dad. Like if he fights with me before he leaves...when he arrives at dad's he can complain about me and gain sympathy over his bad life and hope that dad will spoil him to make it up to him. Apparently there IS a payoff for this behavior...cause dad is more easily manipulated....thus my son is rewarded for this behavior....ugh! Anyway...I think I'm going to place a call to dad the day before the trip in effort to open up dad's eyes to the situation in hopes that dad can come up with an alternate way to bond...or at least know that this is not worthy behavior for rewarding.

Anyway....I'm rambling a bit now....but something else that was helpful this week was that my 18 year old niece stayed with us. She has had to be wise beyond her years...she was very patient and loving and offered my son a healthier perspective on his life. Such as "your mom really is not against you...she does so many things right by you...etc." I really think he got such a great experience from her being around. I was kidding with my friends that I should lend her out for a small fee...it was a wonderful influence for him...since it is just him and I.

Oh my goodness can I relate! My youngest son is 16-1/2 with ADHD. He often has a nasty attitude with the slightest aggravation, knows everything about everything, can definitely decide everything about and for himself, feels that he should be the king of the castle...and my how I could go on. I sometimes too sob and feel like a failure as a mom with this one son...BUT then I remember that there are some times when he is not being a hormonally driven jerk...he can be sweet too, like when he is helping his elderly Auntie at the grocery store. Waiting to see that sweet fellow more often before I have to pluck him bald. *Just kidding*

I also use the denial of use of his favorite priviliges. (I have been known to confiscate all of his cords for powered objects when he was particularly ugly with his mouth to me one time.) I also have to continually very clearly spell out undesirable behavior that has been demonstrated and its consequences. He doesn't "get it" as quickly as his 15 year old sister does either.

Well Monday after dinner I asked him about his homework, he said it's done, so I said let me see it "please". To which he responed with "WHAT YOU DON'T TRUST ME", I said I want too, but to just let me see it, well it wasn't done of course.Started but not done, he started to get ugly, I just walked away, he started to follow me giving me greif as he followed me. I stopped dead in my tracks and said he needed to listen as I had tape recorded the whole incident He just stood there and listened, he turned and walked into his room shut the door did his homework. Afterwards, he came out and said I can't believe I sound like that, even admited how mean he was being. ACtually said tha was one of the smartest things I had done, he said he was very sorry. Well I can only hope he relly realized how bad he was treating me.

It sounds like you found a way to help him hear himself. I'm afraid it won't last forever though. Keep that recorder handy and when his hormones start raging again, and they will, let him have it again. I've found repitition is the only thing that has worked with our now 18 y/o son. We've also reminded him he's a guest now and we can kick him out. That has helped his attitude a lot. The other thing that helped a lot was that he and our 15y/o daughter did "Ren Fest" this summer. The boy was a gypsie and had to run and do as he was bidden at all hours of the night and day. He spend weeks with "The Maestro" helping to set up and doing promotions. It made a huge difference in them both.

I completely agree with calling his dad and explaining what's going on. Let him hear the tape. If he's a good dad at all he'll see he can't reward that behavior.

I am so glad I dropped in. My son is 15 and I made an apt. with a councelor yesterday!! Thank you for your ideas. I love the one about taking his room away. That could work here too. And the tape recorder, I am going to get one today!! Lately our problem is homework, his lying about doing it and his grades. He is very intelligent and is now making D's. I went to the computer with him and calmly checked his grades and asked why he didn't do this assignment and that one. He got very verbally abusive, said he doesn't care and that he doesn't need school to be a rock star! lol I threatened to call the cops and sobbed as usual. I actually got a wooden spoon and popped him and he said do it again and see what happens. I did it again and he raised his fist to me and that's when I said go ahead I'll call the cops. He is a lot bigger than I and my husband, his dad was at work, (he is bigger than him too) I am sorry to vent. Good luck, we all need it to get through the teen years!

This is the same kind of grief I'm getting from my 14 year old son. My 20 year old son reminds me that it WILL pass, eventually.

The tape recorder was a good idea. I might try that.

Just an update..
I think kids are like goldfish they can only remember things for a couple of seconds..
I had posted that I recorded son getting ugly. well he felt bad for a whole 2 days, I don't think he remembers what he sounded like. he back to his old ways.. Well it's going to an interesting Christmas, he might just be grounded again, so NO enjoying the gifts he got..
Hope everyone here has a wonderful and lovely Holiday.

I have the same probs but mine is 15 yo daughter. She is verbally abusive to me & ive bout had it. I too yell, scream, bitch, gripe but nothing helps.
Her dad wont say much cuz he's afraid she will runaway again or start cutting & burning herself again. Im ready to just say Fuck it, excuse my language, but i just cant do this alone. Im NOT a single parent. I did better when i raised my oldest 2 alone. I was also alot younger, more patience etc...

My wish for all of us is that our kids straighten up & learn to be good, loving children & adults as they grow.

MERRY CHRISTMAS
Cathy