Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
Hello all,
This is my first post, but I have been lurking for a bit. A few weeks ago, my 14 year old daughter dropped a bombshell on my wife and I that she was bisexual. She told us that a 'friend' - whom she had told to our faces just a few days before - was her interest.
Needless to say, my wife and I have been thrown for a complete loop. We are angry over the lying (she initially tried to quell our misgivings about the friendship saying that the girl was just a friend like all her others and we shouldn't be feeling that way), and feeling a sense of loss.
Needless to say, a lot of drama has been the result. My wife and I have not exhibited any anger and have listened to her. I had a talk with her last night telling her my concerns were that she was too young for this kind of relationship and that she should really wait until she was out of high school because high school kids can be awfully mean (which she has found out, btw). I told her the life style was a harder route than the traditional, but that I loved her unconditionally, but was still trying to process the information, get my head around it - I told her not to read into that as being I was rejecting her.
I have done a lot of research on this topic, and have been told that my wife and I were handling it fine by not 'reacting' - listening and all that.
My wife and I have told our daughter that we now have to treat this friend of hers as if she were a boy = which means, not being allowed in her room, always under supervision. I told her that as I had told her I was going to be an over-protective daddy if she were going out with a guy, the same holds for now.
My question is that my wife and I are not completely 'cool' with the situation and there is a part of us that fear that we are condoning it, or even encouraging it by allowing our daughter to continue to see this girl (highly supervised and for short periods of time - usually two hours - that is all my wife and I can take).
We wonder if we should be telling her what she is doing is wrong and cannot be continued. It is a dilemma. We are naturally hoping that the situation runs its course and that this is all a phase - which it very well may be.
We are concerned that if we take the hard-line approach, our daughter, being an adolescent, will not think straight and choose the girl over us.
Any suggestions, sympathy, or whatever would be greatly appreciated! I really wish this all hadn't happened around Christmas time.
This is my first post, but I have been lurking for a bit. A few weeks ago, my 14 year old daughter dropped a bombshell on my wife and I that she was bisexual. She told us that a 'friend' - whom she had told to our faces just a few days before - was her interest.
Needless to say, my wife and I have been thrown for a complete loop. We are angry over the lying (she initially tried to quell our misgivings about the friendship saying that the girl was just a friend like all her others and we shouldn't be feeling that way), and feeling a sense of loss.
Needless to say, a lot of drama has been the result. My wife and I have not exhibited any anger and have listened to her. I had a talk with her last night telling her my concerns were that she was too young for this kind of relationship and that she should really wait until she was out of high school because high school kids can be awfully mean (which she has found out, btw). I told her the life style was a harder route than the traditional, but that I loved her unconditionally, but was still trying to process the information, get my head around it - I told her not to read into that as being I was rejecting her.
I have done a lot of research on this topic, and have been told that my wife and I were handling it fine by not 'reacting' - listening and all that.
My wife and I have told our daughter that we now have to treat this friend of hers as if she were a boy = which means, not being allowed in her room, always under supervision. I told her that as I had told her I was going to be an over-protective daddy if she were going out with a guy, the same holds for now.
My question is that my wife and I are not completely 'cool' with the situation and there is a part of us that fear that we are condoning it, or even encouraging it by allowing our daughter to continue to see this girl (highly supervised and for short periods of time - usually two hours - that is all my wife and I can take).
We wonder if we should be telling her what she is doing is wrong and cannot be continued. It is a dilemma. We are naturally hoping that the situation runs its course and that this is all a phase - which it very well may be.
We are concerned that if we take the hard-line approach, our daughter, being an adolescent, will not think straight and choose the girl over us.
Any suggestions, sympathy, or whatever would be greatly appreciated! I really wish this all hadn't happened around Christmas time.
It sounds like you and your wife are being very level-headed about this situation thus far. If your daughter is in fact experimenting and transitioning into a homosexual life she needs your support HOWEVER, you are still her parents and have the obligation to teach her responsibility and age-appropriate behaviors. Just because homosexual relations do not pose the risk of pregnancy, that does not mean you should condone them at this young age.
In many cases, when homosexual teens feel cornered or obligated to hide their true identity, their reaction is to "hide" as a hypersexualized being. This is where you see the "stud" or the "slut" who, unbeknownst to all, are not attracted to the opposite sex but merely putting on an act.
These behaviors are especially risky as they tend to involve alcohol and/or drugs (numbing or motivating themselves to perform) and this whole charade is not only physically risky on many fronts, (for example we know alcohol impairs judgement which increases risk for contracting disease, pregnancy, cyber-exposure and more)but there is also profound psychological damages that these teens experience.
As hard as it is for you and your wife, think of what your daughter does not have to endure because of her honesty.
Good luck! I hope your daughter will realize how great her parents are if she does not already know =)
My son did the same and he is currently in a heterosexual relationship.
He also came home with a friend and said this was his boyfriend.
He had told me he was bi-sexual...I guess it was about a year or so until he figured out who he was.
Your daughter does need your support and she does need to know that age appropriate behavior. I think you are right for limiting the seclusion of these two together just as you would if it were a boy.
By telling her that what she is doing is wrong may send her the message that you do not love who she is.
It's a very slippery slope...I think if you just love her and let her know that you are there for her, she will figure it out as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
My daughter and I have had a few run-ins since the posting of this note. She is now trying to push the boundaries further - she was okay with our treatment of her friend as if she was a boy and placing strict chaperoning guidelines initially, but now she wants more, of course. Like a typical teenager, she feels that since she obliged by the guidelines once, she now qualifies to go to the next level.
She recently told me that my rule of no public hand-holding was putting pressure on our relationship. I responded that I was sorry that it was, but that she was only 14 years old and that I had the right to be comfortable as well when I was chaperoning. What I should have said was, I'm sorry, but it is not my rule about public displays of affection that is putting the pressure on this relationship.
I continue to try to respond level-headed, hoping that the relationship will run its natural course - as all 14 year old 'relationships' do - hetero or homosexual. But the wait is interminable.
I can only handle two hour segments of chaperoning, but, she, of course, wants more.....
I am saddened because I no longer really recognize my daughter.....