Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
my son has been identified as gifted and talented..
he just started the ninth grade in an ib school
he has NEVER been in trouble...
he is wise beyond his years...
he doesn't like school, but knows what he has to do to be successful...and he puts a lot of pressure on himself..
i can have amazingly intellectual conversations with my son, that truly AMAZE me...
he can explain things that he's not supposed to understand.
he excels at school, and willingly attends church on regular basis...and is active in community service...
he has never cursed at me and never would...
i can't have a regular parent/child conversation with him...because he overanalyzes and overthinks everything...
it has been this way since he was a baby
through his ten years in school, every teacher has told me he is a remarkable young man, never disrespectful...and if they had to report a problem it would be that he likes to talk...and he does...
so what's wrong you ask...
he made a very bad decision that has the potential to ruin everything he has worked for so hard...
i was so angry, disappointed, and hurt, BUT i can't let all his hard work go to waste because he made a one stupid choice...
yes he needs to be punished...but if they punish him to harshly...its enough to break him...
and HE KNOWS THIS...he can actually teach the people who hold his future in there hands a thing or two...but they don't realize it!
they don't see any of the good he does or has done, they only see the one mistake he made...
despite all of his knowledge, he didn't have the mental capacity to accurately predict the consequences of his actions...
the worst he thought he would get was in-school suspension, or saturday suspension...
and he was willing to risk that...
had he known that he would be suspended, removed from the ib program, and sent to an alternative education school AND charged with a state jail felony...he would not have done it...
but he didn't know that, heck, i'm his mother and an intelligent adult and i didn't know that...
now, the school has decided what is best for him and they don't even know him...he didn't know who the asst principle is, the ib coordinator..or his guidance counselor...because he never had any problems or anything...but yet they know what the best course of action is!
they questioned him by himself...without knowing that if you give him an easy question like why did you do it or where did you first see it he can't answer it...but if you tell him well what you did wrong, but you know there is a way to do it and have it not be wrong..then he would tell oh yeah, my cousin does it and gets paid for it...
when he knew he had been caught...he made a split second decision...to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth....because to lie about it would only make it worse...
but does he get any credit for that: NO...
now, without knowing anything about him, they are going to decide what to do just because the code of conduct says to do it...
they've tried him, prosecuted him, and executed him because he made one bad decision in TEN years...
they're treating him like a common criminal guilty of gross negligiance resulting in harm to others...
i guess i am just ranting, but i hate that this happening...
if anyone has been in this situation, please tell me what to do...other than plead for mercy on his future!
thanks guys
-dr-
he just started the ninth grade in an ib school
he has NEVER been in trouble...
he is wise beyond his years...
he doesn't like school, but knows what he has to do to be successful...and he puts a lot of pressure on himself..
i can have amazingly intellectual conversations with my son, that truly AMAZE me...
he can explain things that he's not supposed to understand.
he excels at school, and willingly attends church on regular basis...and is active in community service...
he has never cursed at me and never would...
i can't have a regular parent/child conversation with him...because he overanalyzes and overthinks everything...
it has been this way since he was a baby
through his ten years in school, every teacher has told me he is a remarkable young man, never disrespectful...and if they had to report a problem it would be that he likes to talk...and he does...
so what's wrong you ask...
he made a very bad decision that has the potential to ruin everything he has worked for so hard...
i was so angry, disappointed, and hurt, BUT i can't let all his hard work go to waste because he made a one stupid choice...
yes he needs to be punished...but if they punish him to harshly...its enough to break him...
and HE KNOWS THIS...he can actually teach the people who hold his future in there hands a thing or two...but they don't realize it!
they don't see any of the good he does or has done, they only see the one mistake he made...
despite all of his knowledge, he didn't have the mental capacity to accurately predict the consequences of his actions...
the worst he thought he would get was in-school suspension, or saturday suspension...
and he was willing to risk that...
had he known that he would be suspended, removed from the ib program, and sent to an alternative education school AND charged with a state jail felony...he would not have done it...
but he didn't know that, heck, i'm his mother and an intelligent adult and i didn't know that...
now, the school has decided what is best for him and they don't even know him...he didn't know who the asst principle is, the ib coordinator..or his guidance counselor...because he never had any problems or anything...but yet they know what the best course of action is!
they questioned him by himself...without knowing that if you give him an easy question like why did you do it or where did you first see it he can't answer it...but if you tell him well what you did wrong, but you know there is a way to do it and have it not be wrong..then he would tell oh yeah, my cousin does it and gets paid for it...
when he knew he had been caught...he made a split second decision...to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth....because to lie about it would only make it worse...
but does he get any credit for that: NO...
now, without knowing anything about him, they are going to decide what to do just because the code of conduct says to do it...
they've tried him, prosecuted him, and executed him because he made one bad decision in TEN years...
they're treating him like a common criminal guilty of gross negligiance resulting in harm to others...
i guess i am just ranting, but i hate that this happening...
if anyone has been in this situation, please tell me what to do...other than plead for mercy on his future!
thanks guys
-dr-
SerenityII
he is in a zero tolerance school..why do you say that is good thing?
believe me... i know and understand what you are saying...from the minute i got the first call I knew that i was going to punish him serverely enough to make sure this never happens again....
my son made a bad choice...and he knew it...when he weighed the consequences of his choice...he feared my wrath more than the schools...unfortunately, the school took this ONE incident to a level above even my own in accessing his punishment...
he is in no way going to go unpunished by the school, by me, and by his father and stepmother...but if we have to accept the schools current response...it could have a lasting effect on his entire life...
and that's what isn't fair...he shouldn't have to pay for a typical teenage mistake for the rest of his life...
-DR-
My son has gotten in trouble through all years of school. Elementry: Him and his buddy decided that since my son had a cap gun and his friend had some caps they would get together at school and put them together. Wrong I got a phone call
Middle school: We do lots of hunting, and fishing, well he got a new skinning knife and wanted to show his friends. Wrong I got a phone call and spoke with the police.
Also got a phone call because he took a drink of soda that a kid had put something called zap into it. When I arrived at the school the principle advised me he will be suspended for drug use. I calmly asked my son if the package was sealed and if it was labled. He said yes to both and I told him he should never take anything that someone gives you if you don't know what it is. My son explained he saw the kid open the pop and package then pour the powder in it.
The big problem was another child drank some and ened up in the nurses office. Again the principle said how she was going to punish my son and wanted my support. I advised the principle that they should take mountain dew out of the scool because of the high caffine. Because my son clearly saw the labled "zap" and the soda opened. I would not support her punishing him.
High school: Nineth grade, the worst! So much peer preassure and older kids doing who knows what. Then so much temptation.
We are still working through stuff. My son is brilliant but makes stupid mistakes and bad judgement. Very scary, but at each stage it seems like it the worst, guess it was. When i found out he smoked some marajuana (sp)i went to get help and was crying.
I got a call several wks ago from Walmart, he tried to steal a CD.
Your son will make mistakes and he needs to learn now before he's an adult. Hang in there, GOD BLESS and GOOD LUCK,
Linda
Your son had a choice to make when he did what he did and he is learning what consequences are, it is unfortunate for his life to take such a turn but due to so much high crime and horrible things happening in school, that's how it is nowadays. However there is hope, he has a great mother and he is a great kid. Please dont place him in an alternative school, try to have him home schooled and dont feel like they have taken over your's and his life. Find out about your rights and get an attorney, Try Legal Services if you can't afford one, My best of luck to you and give your son hope.
thank you ALL for your support and comments...
this incident happened a month ago tomorrow, so were still in the process of dealing with it...
my son's youth minister and i went to a meeting with the dean of students at his school and thanks to God, Her and the Principle both realized that the AP's were completely wrong and that he just made a stupid mistake...
The Dean of Student's apologized to my son, assured him that he would not be removed from the IB Program, and did not send him to an alternative school, instead she gave him a return to class pass! He still has to do 4 Saturday School's in addition to the three day suspension and 30 hours of community service but i think that punishment is reasonable.
Unfortunately, because of the schools response, NOW we have to deal with the LEGAL part of this big mess...
last thursday, my son and i were served court papers by a sheriffs deputy! yesterday I had to meet with a criminal defense attorney, last night i got a letter from the Juvenile Probation Department, today i had to answer questions about my son for the Juvenile Probation Officer, questions like has he ever run away, has ever been in trouble at school, who does he hang out with, what are his hobbies and interests?
Fortunately and once again thanks to God, we have retained an excellent lawyer from church, that has know my son since he was in elementary school...so I'm not as worried about this as I was before...but it's just the fact that my son and i are having to go through all this unnecessarily that has me so upset!...
once again thanks for all your support and comments...and please keep it coming!
-DR-
You are doing the right thing by STANDING BY HIM! You may have no idea how much that speaks to him about your love, respect and confidence in him!
I agree with you that one mistake should not ruin his life... thats plain stupidity- everyone makes mistakes. He has obviously SHOWN you what kind of person he is... and that he is a good kid. He will learn now from it, and move on with his life...
You are willing to fight this and fight FOR HIM and that speaks volumes. You know him better than ANYONE...
Im so glad this is moving in the right direction now...
The legal system hit him with a very serious offense and we were advised by our attorney to make a plea bargain. They charged him with having over an ounce and under 5 pounds which carries a severe charge. When you plea bargain, the evidence is not paid for to be weighed in a lab. Intent to distribute. 30 hours of communithy service and 9 months of probation and mandatory counceling, which I think has just made things worse for my son, hanging out with people that continuously relapse back into using and abusing. He had to repeat 11th grade because he missed so much and couldn't catch up. That's when the school wanted him out. I took him out and he got his GED immediately. Being arrested for possession of drugs renders a kid ineligible for a government student loan for college. My son is very bright and very talented. He now works a full time job. He has gained nothing but resentment and anger from all of this. One mistake HAS altered his life forever. Kids can very quickly take the attitude of "hell with it" I'm done now, so why not just give up my dreams. The system sets our kids up to fail. Good Luck with your son and I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a second chance.