I'm sorry, it is very difficult having teenagers. My son is 19 and now in college and sadly it was a happy day when he left because he was always mad, disrespectful and our house was not a happy place. My husband and I didn't see eye to eye either, he let him get away with anything as that's easier. Anyway, I have no advice other than to say he is much better now when he comes home for summer or visits, not perfect but the temper and moods seem to have died down a fair amount. My son was also very hard on himself with grades in HS, he put this added pressure on himself and we paid the price. Anyway I hope someone has some good advice I just lived through the storm...er hurricane but like the weather storms finally do pass. Thankfully my younger son is not showing signs of having such a tumultous personality.

There is a book called have a new kid by friday. Vranted the author is a Christian so if you don't believe in God you might have to overlook somestuff. I don't remember if its very christ centered as I've not looked at mine in yrs but it was a life saver and I think I need to pull it bk out myself.
Sorry I don't have much experience in this feild yet (mines newly 13)
Keep ur head up and take care of yourself.
Hugs

This sounds like my son. He is now a senior in high school. We have fought over homework every year to the point we are both in tears. For my son,, the issue is that he would get behind and was too proud to admit it (or too lazy to do it) so he would just tell me what I wanted to hear...until we got to the end of a deadline and he was overwhelmed. Is it possible that is your daughter? If so, I sent my son to Sylvan learning center to learn how to organize. Our high school has a days and b days and he had a really hard time adjusting to that. Also, does her school have an online tracking tool like Power School you can check in on? While my son hated me checking, he needed me to get involved to help him keep his priorities straight and on track.

Hang in there. You are not alone!

I will tell you what I have learned the hard way with 5 kids and 4 of them teens right now is that no matter what comes out of their mouth and how they act, they still need touch and love just as much as they did when they were 5. Now, you'd never know that by how they act because I would swear to you my boys would rather spit on me sometimes than breathe. But I have made it a point to give them some sort of touch every day. Whether that is a hug, a pat on the back, a touch on the arm and a quick "Love ya" or an occasional text or letter every now and then saying I love you and am proud of you. Even though they may never acknowledge it or say a word about it to you, it goes deep. Kids are faced with so much they are often unprepared to process so it just comes out as irritability all the time. And it is SUPER hard not to engage that. My word...SUPER HARD. While the things i mentioned aren't a miracle cure, it is something solid the kids can hang onto that mom is going to hang in here with me no matter what.

Teenagers are learning how to be adults. If they aren't strong willed, they will stay children inside their heads. Know any parents with 30 year old children living in the basement, playing x-box, smoking dope and flipping burgers part time?

THAT is what happens when you have a weak willed teenager.

You want her in your house until she's 30? I did not think so. So be glad she's strong willed.

So don't break her will. Try explaining to her that she is almost an adult. That YOU have more experience being an adult than she does, and that it is nothing like she expects. Talk rationally. Like you were talking to an adult room mate.

Give her advice like this.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-bits-advice-that-dont-make-sense-until-its-too-late/

OR keep trying to argue with BECAUSE I SAID SO and either she will make your life hell until college OR she will become weak willed, get a part time job at Dairy Queen and smoke pot in your basement until she's 40. Your choice.

I say go with the room mate option.

Ummm, the kid is getting A's and taking care of it.......so why are you getting involved in the homework?

(My son just started HS too. I never ask. From first grade on, I figured it was his homework not mine (I went back to college.....I had my own to do). He's in gifted too, and mostly gets A's. )

my.oldest twin is just like that. She argues just to argue..she loves to get me and my fiance. And my other 5 kids in a complete uproar.
Ive speant 3 weeks rresearching this very topic myself.
My hallway is covered in chore charts, ball schedules, rules and clear punishments for discipline issues.
If its 3 strikes she is out with talking back and the consequence is that she loses hee cell and fun days playing outside...then do it..if she ingages in a fight..ignore her. Dont give her the attention she is adamately baiting you for.
Times are different now and kids dont legitimately FEAR their parents as life did 20-40 years ago.
Ignore her ignore her ignore her.
If she doenst like what you cooked...you suggest a sandwich or she hire a chef since she is experiencing self righteous behaviors. U dont allow her to make you faulter under distress. They live for those moments. But dont let her make yall fight be a united front and stand firm. The mouth and attitude has a line...However, remember your ultimate goal here. When a police pulls us over for speeding...we get a ticket he doesnt stand there and fight about it. If you go overboard...you get punished. Point blank period. As long as you have went over these rules and she knows them or has known them...you cannot begin this process of taking back your sanity. Good luck

Her words will jsut be words when u stop giving them power. Let her know you hear her and why you have to stick to original plans. U can remind her that you will not ingage in blanteened diobedience and that is end of discussion. She will have a power struggle everytime but kids must have boundaries and a parent who explains and then keeps their word on punishments. That structure is what will keep them on track.
If its somrthing small (what we rate a 5 or under) just let it go. Take one for the team. But make sure she knows rewards will be repayed by respect.

This works for us any way. Most of the time

I have always said the hardest job in the world is being a parent because we don't get a manual for our children. I have also struggled with my son. We had to attend some counseling sessions for his anger and honestly he didn't talk a whole lot but I think he realized he has anger issues.
It sounds to me that she is stressed at school. School these days is a lot harder now than it was when we attended I'm sure. Maybe she is just wanting to step away from school while she is with you and maybe she blew up b/c it is a stressor of hers at that time in her life. Starting High school is huge. Some things I do when I get really mad at my son is to step away. I have to cool down. I am really bad about nagging him until he gets his chores completed and I hate that of me and that's one thing I shouldn't have to do and its something I need to work on. But maybe just take a break before asking.
And your husband, it is hard to parent with another person b/c you have to partner with him. I would try to find a counselor if $ available to get some family counseling sessions. Even just a couple would help. It might help your husband understand both of your parenting types.

Hope this helps!!!!

She is intelligent. Intelligent children are a huge challenge to raise; HOWEVER, they really don't come near the other children in this category here. I raise 3 children who were all very bright. The lowest IQ amongst them was 136. My daughter was the most difficult of the three.

You've got to be the alpha (you and your husband) in your home. Give them plenty of leeway to explore, grow, and even fall flat on their faces from time to time so they learn to cope with and overcome challenges and failure while they still have you for a safety net.

Choose your battles wisely. If it won't cause serious physical, mental, emotional harm, have life long consequences or cause property damage then it is most likely safe to let them learn from natural consequences. That said, if it WILL cause the aforementioned problems for you, them, or a third party then by all means put your foot down and put it down firmly.

Believe it or not, she really DOES want you to set those boundaries. My daughter (now age 32 with kids of her own) actually came to me and told me she appreciated the discipline and (in retrospect) would not have minded had we been half again as stringent. She wanted and needed a Drill Sergeant (my husband the Officer's Kid is like your husband in that respect).

The bright kid can exhibit some troubling signs and behaviour that make you wonder if they need psychiatric help. If they do, then by all means get counseling for them. What you may learn though is that their poor behaviour stems in large part from boredom.

My daughter was mouthy, belligerent and periodically defiant with a stubborn streak a mile wide. She has grown into a fine young woman, a loving mother, and my best girl friend.

My eldest son (The so called 'Golden Child' as per his siblings, but not as per his parents) took our car for a joy ride without permission in the middle of the night, got a flat tire and drove home on the rim. Then, while we were all waiting for him in our other car the next afternoon to go somewhere, he climbed out his bedroom window. I went back inside to get him as we had been waiting a very long time. He was nowhere to be found.

I was a wreck. We called the police and we searched everywhere for that child (he was 15). We couldn't find him and I was terrified, inconsolable.

At around 2am we got a call from the police and my heart was in my throat. Thank God, he was at the police station. He fed us some cock-n-bull story about a creepy breather who had called the previous evening. He told us the breather had called back and threatened to kill me if he did not come to the XYZ motel in the nearby town by 5pm. (Of course I knew it was a lie, but because I did not truly know his motivation for leaving, I went with it and read him the riot act about the dangers of going to a motel because a creepy perv tells him he will kill me. It was about a 3 hour lecture.)

He also experimented with drugs in his late teens...unbeknownst to me until his confession years later.

Fast forward 12 years: The Golden Boy earned his name. He graduated seminary, and is now a youth leader. He is a hard working, responsible 31 year old with two children of his own and a lovely God fearing wife. His eldest son was one of the best behaved children I have ever seen. ...Was. He has started school now and as with most kids, he is getting a bit of an attitude.

Son number two gave me the most sleepless nights and the greatest concern for his sanity. As it happens, he was just very tired of being bullied at school. We are Jewish and he went to school in a small town in the bible belt. He was also bored with an unchallenging curriculum--so he decided to entertain himself. He proceeded to antagonize the Christian children who were bullying him by pretending to make a pact with the devil and to be possessed. (He was 11).

We moved from that neighborhood to Atlanta and everything was going great--until he befriended two boys who loved getting into trouble. He followed suite and then topped their antics. They smashed out lights at out apartment complex, knocked over an air conditioning unit, skipped school, and basically ran amok. My little angel, all on his own, played loan shark at his school, taking things like a trumpet as collateral for a $5 loan!

I grounded him. I took all his possessions from him and left him with the bare necessities in his bedroom. I tried colour therapy. I looked into military school and I looked into boot camps. Eventually I had him in therapy as I was starting to worry I had an ODD/CD on my hands. No. Just a run of the mill pain in the butt.

The stage passed and he became my favourite gaming buddy. He is now 29, staying on the president's list and the dean's list, Phi Beta Kappa and double majoring in Physics and Mathematics. He has a lovely wife (who is a bio-medical scientist), and about 15 stuffed rabbits I call my grand bunnies. Both of them have a delightfully dark sense of humor (we love playing evil apples or cards against humanity together), and they are two of the most loving, generous, kind hearted and brilliant people you will ever meet. (My son helps the homeless and even gave his personal car to a man in need).

I say all this to give you hope. A difficult child does not always mean ODD or CD. Bright children are tougher than the average child to raise. They question you. They want to know why they have to obey the rules you set, and you need to have a good reason--or they will likely weigh the logic of obeying and only obey if it makes sense to them. Your job is to MAKE it make sense to them.

That said, the ODD / CD child is a reality. My grandson is one such person, and he is why I am on this board. He is a true threat to the safety of my daughter and his siblings. He is violent, destructive, manipulative, committing felonies before the age of twelve, he has no empathy, he has ZERO remorse. he can turn on the crocodile tears to play with your emotions, then walk around the corner laughing when he thinks you cannot see him. He lies as easily as breathing and takes pleasure in the suffering of others. He gets a thrill out of sowing chaos and fear in the household. He gets a rush from controlling others.

THAT is the kind of child you need to worry about. When you are too afraid of your child to sleep. When he chases your other children with knives and arrows, tortures animals, intentionally breaks the branch his brother is holding on to hoping to make the child fall, when unlocks and opens the door so his disabled 4 year old brother can run out into traffic...

If any of that sounds like your daughter, then you needed to get help for her--years ago. By the teenage years it is probably too late I fear. At least from my grandson I know it is.

Shein, and anyone else reading this. Wow, that was some good advice. Shein I wish I had read most of what you said years ago. I do want to disagree with one thing you said. It is never too late! It is however far more effective to get help for a child when they are younger, you will get a better outcome for them (and everyone). But don't refrain from trying just because they have severe behaviors or are older. Never give up! That said, though, if a child cannot be safe around their parents and siblings and people are truly afraid to sleep then psychoactive meds (for the kid), or an out of home placement (youth authority, institution, etc) may be the best choice for everyone.

Best wishes.