without reading all the other posts I am going to say I don't think what you are doing is wrong. I don't spank my kids & would never bite back, but the hair tug & a lil smack on the hand is not so bad. But, I will add I worked at a college child care center and their philosophy was positive discipline, meaning you don't ever say no. You remove the child from the situation & tell them what they can do. When you are dealing with other people's children it is much easier to do IMO, but when it is consistant it really does work at changing behaviors that are not liked.

I grew up fast because my father died when I was 7 and my mother had to work three jobs so that we had a roof over our heads and food in our bellies at least 75% of the time.

If you use the same logic, what does a time out teach a child? That if you do something bad, something harmful, that all you get is a few minutes in a corner then you can go do it again. I'm not against time outs, but I do believe one of the reasons that children now days are out of control is because parents can not find a happy medium in discipline. Tyrants or pushoevers seem to be the going trend.
It's like when the courts take a criminal and tell them they have to take a few hours out of their lives to do community service, no other punishment, they are going to reoffend.

I didn't want to really start a debate. Everyone has their own opinions and in the long haul it's each parents choice how they raise their kids. I just wanted to know what others did for some ideas for when she starts acting up again.

and i believe we answered?! No one got personal or judgmental?!

Comparing a baby/childs behavior to a criminal probably is alittle extreme. There really is not going to be a better outcome if you use your hand vs. using your head, to gather knowledge and teach your child correctly. You r worrying way to much that your child will turn out badly because their trying little things at 10 months old. Did you ever think that that maybe the kids you've seen acting badly were the ones that were punished too harshly/not correctly......we kids r just slappped or spanked for everything they become frustrated/no one taught them right from wrong! So why r people just hitting me...lazy (one that don't have patients/or the time to teach right from wrong)parents often have bad kids.

I have to agree with summer. The worst behaved kids I have seen (and I've worked with school-aged and middle/high school aged) are the ones that either have absolutely no discipline of any kind in their homes, the ones whose parents are inconsistent and unpredictable in their discipline (letting something go one time then the next time coming down super-hard on them) or the kids whose parents scream at them all the time, about everything. One of the worst-behaved middle school aged kids I ever saw had a mother who was totally inconsistent in discipline, and either did nothing about her behavior or completely terrified the poor child with her threats -- even spanking her with a wooden spoon one time (which, sadly, DCYF didn't consider enough to open a case). She behaved very well around her mother but around us teen workers she knew she couldn't be hit and that intimidation was not part of our belief-system, and she acted out accordingly, since she had never been taught to understand how respect plays into good behavior.

I grew up in a home where my father used fear to "control" me. I cannot say in any way that I was abused, but I was terrified of my father, and while it did generally prevent me from behaving badly, it totally inhibited any positive relationship he and I might have had, and today we are completely estranged. Part of what made him so terrifying was his unpredictability. As an adult I can still see the vestiges of his discipline style impacting me in relationships and in my decision-making.

So I guess what I am saying here is that unpredictability and inconsistency is worse than no discipline at all, in my opinion. I also feel intimidation and fear is just as bad. And while I know no one who uses physical means of discipline INTENDS to hurt or truly scare their child, I know how quickly frustration can escalate.

And finally, as summer has said, Jolene, you asked for our opinions. We gave them to you, without judgment. No one has said you are abusing your child, we offered our personal take on the issue. I personally have felt from the beginning that you weren't actually interested in hearing different opinions, you just wanted to hear that what you were doing was right. I'm not going to tell you that because I disagree with your method; however, every parent does have the right to use their own means to raise their child as long as it is not abusive. I personally don't think you're being abusive.

FWIW, I'll tell you my take on what makes a child behave. I grew up in a family where I had very close relationship w my mom and kinda OK relationship w my dad. My dad was easily angered and there was no way to have an argument w him. It was his way or no way. My mom was easy to talk to. They both did spank. Although I wasn't spanked very often and never too harshly I remember feeling very ashamed and antagonized by this practice. Somehow my parents and I would go from us being friends to them hitting me. To this day I find it hard to admit I was being spanked. I also vowed never to hit my children.

What made me behave ultimately was thinking what my mom would say if I did something bad. This was my major motive. I loved her and valued her opinion and I was afraid to break her trust in me so I behaved nicely. Plus she taught me early on that some things are never to be done - drugs, smoking, stealing, etc. This became core of my value system.

I firmly believe if you love your kid and show this love and spend enough time talking to them they will turn out right. I also believe every kid goes through a period when they cannot stop themselves from misbehaving a little - toddler years. It's challenging but it passes. Being consistent and enforcing limits through time outs or some other mild discipline method should help them learn where limits are at that age.

You asked what time outs teach a kid. They are just one of several unpleasant outcomes that could happen if they misbehave. At some age kids hate them so they are unpleasant enough to teach a lesson. At older ages kids don't care and that's when you'd go to taking favorite things away, grounding them, etc.

Well I have to say that I agree with Jolene to some point. We don't give our kids enough credit. They are very smart and learn from what we teach them. So I don't think that a tap to the fingers or a tug of her hair is going to cause her to have issues later. When my daughter slaps me in the face I take her hand and show her what nice is and I do try to distract her. When she is touching something that will hurt her I will tell her "hot" or no and try to remove her from the situation. If she doesn't listen then I tap her hand and tell her no and remove her from the situation. That is my personal choice and how I want to discipline my child. Jolene you are her parent and you should do what you feel is right. She understands you and will learn what is right and wrong from you. We are the parents and they are the children and sometimes I think people forget that. Hurting them is not an option but I turned out pretty darn well and I used to get spanked and the belt on the bottom when I misbehaved. Good luck and do what you feel is the right thing.

Guys, I wasn't mad at the debate...I just said that to let you guys know that I hadn't intended to stir the pot just in case anyone thought I had. I appreciate the input and in no means did I mean that you were all picking on me or getting personal. Sorry if it came across like that!

I just think that timeouts can be a first resort, but that it should not be the only resort. I was, by todays standards, 'beaten' and there is no lost love. I was also taught that a licken was punishment, and only mom and dad could hand out punishments. Therefore, I never hit anybody else.

I do the 'nice' and whatnot, and it does work...now. Now that she knows that pulling hair doesn't feel good, that it feels nicer to run your fingers slowly through it. And she knows that smacking isn't pleasant either, and that if she rubs your face you will rub hers.

That is why I tried to say in my post that I had no ill will. I hope no one took my post the wrong way, especially you Jolene. :o)

I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life before I was able to have a child of my own. In a way, I am thankful I had fertility problems, as I would not have been as prepared as I am now. There was a point in time where I was very quick to lose my temper. I wish I could describe it to everyone here- abuse can fill a person with an anger unlike any other. I am not on speaking terms with my father and I communicate with my mother rarely through emails. I left the country and moved to the opposite side of the planet to get away from them and start my own life. I was raised believing that family is the most important thing. I want to have a good relationship with my daughter. Not be her friend, but be what a mother should be. That lead me to searching for alternatives and my happy medium.

Just because a parent does not use corporal punishment does not mean they are a pushover. That is a common stereotype. My child is well behaved and disciplined. I don't have to yell at her to get away from something she should not be into. All I have to do is reply a key word in a soft tone and she will stop (I don't like yelling, because it makes me nervous and sets off my PTSD). Her father, who has been very inconsistent with his discipline tactics, has trouble getting her to listen to him. One of the problems where he goes wrong- he does not choose his battles well. He loses his temper and yells at every little thing (although he is working on it). My tactic is a bit different- I only raise my voice if she is about to hurt herself. "Mommy is yelling, it must be important".

Most of the time, I distract her or move her elsewhere, then explain to her what she was doing wrong and why she shouldn't do it. That's about as close to time out as I get. She has done nothing so far to deserve punishment as of yet. I'm saving it up, though, for when she's older.

Overusing your "big voice" will make a child immune to it and then it will become pointless for the important times you do need your child to listen. Example- last weekend, DD figured out how to open our safety gate. She ran right to her father's handsaw that was in his toolbox in our bedroom. I used my big voice and it made her stop dead in her tracks. If she had been immune to my voice, she would have kept going. That's even without getting into how yelling can make a child grumpy... and a grumpy child will find more trouble, lol.

Discipline can be trial and error in the beginning, but you will find something that works for you both. I wish you the very best! ((hugs))

((there are some great ideas in this post! thank you all))

I have to say that the first thing I would work on is the MIL factor. Sheesh. You would think that she would know better! How can she be so damned irresponsible as to ACTIVELY encourage bad behaviour?

Can you talk to DH and have a heart-to-heart with her? I mean,you are the ones who will be stuck with the misbehaviour 24-7. Not her! She gets to go home at the end of the day!