Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of big kids (5 to 8 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.

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slauenwhite77 06/02/2015

So i have 2 children. Boys ages 7 and 9. the youngest has a temper problem and has "fits" every now and then' and the older one is starting to throw them too. It got really bad today, The oldest broke a few things and called me an asshole, so i made hiim stay in his room and only come out when supper was ready. He brought me out 2 notes one said "F*&k you mommy", the other one was a picture of his hand with the middle finger stuck up. they like to scream when they dont get their own way. I am with the most amazing man who has been patient when it comes to the boys, they also have encropsis so its not only the yelling problem when it comes to them, But he can only take so much and its starting to affect our relationship. I would be extremely upset if something happened and we split up, I couldnt ask for anyone better for me. He is a great influence for the boys they dont really have their father to teach them how to act. Their father only sees them 4 days a month, on his scheduled weekends.
I have tried the rewards chart, we have jems that they receive when they do things good,but everything gets old and they get bored with it all.
They dont do anything for me, they dont have chores, they dont keep their room clean, they dont listen to me when I tell them something. I am at my whits end and dont know what to do. They have been told by doctors that they have to train their bowels and go to the bathroom when i tell them, but they wont listen to me when it comes to that either, they would sit in it for hours if we didnt notice it and make them get changed. They refuse to wash their dirty pants out. Their attitudes and their bowel issues are very big reasons why we havent moved in with my boyfriend.

Does anyone have any ideas on how i can get the boys to listen to me, to stop having their fits and fighting with each other and to help with their bowel issues?
Thanks in advance, I am at a loss as to what to do now.

joleneLS 06/05/2015

I would strongly recommend Love and Logic. One of the things they teach you how to handle is personal responsibility for kids and great ways to enforce them.

As well as counselling for the anger if that isn't already in play. Sorry you have to go through this and I hope it get's better.

WinterBlossom 06/15/2015

The situation with the boys seems extreme for kids their ages. I work with kids and don't usually see that severity in such young kids. My sense is they are screaming out for attention.
How long have your boys been dealing with the bowel issue? Do they deal with it at school as well? Are they being bullied or picked on for that at school? Seems like your boys have so many stress factors. No kids want their mommy to have a boyfriend either. That's really just some strange man that's taking your time from them no matter how good he is, unless he is very involved with them on his own and they seem happy when he is around or takes them out.
I hope you can find some kind of relief in this situation, because your boys will become harder to deal with as they age if you can't quell what is triggering all that anger.
All the best to you and your boys. Hugs.

milliej 06/25/2015

As difficult as it is, love, patience and kindness. I too have a 7 year old a year and to add to the equation an 11 year old. They're all boys and they're all different. My 7 year old hates change and you have to prepare him for everything, which can be difficult. We've been through the hitting, lashing out with his tongue, mood swings. It can be so difficult, however, the best thing we've been able to do is putting them in the corner to think about it. If they come out and still haven't taken it seriously they go straight back in. It's a hard fact but you have to break them until they're actually upset about what they've done and really do feel sorry about their behaviour.

Every situation can be different, however, I've found that the moods have settled.

We've done reward charts and all sorts, however, we've always stuck with the corners, 1 minute for each year.

It can be difficult and easier said than done to be patient.

proparentcoach22 07/09/2015

I feel really bad for and your family and have seen this countless times. The first thing I noticed in your post and the huge red flag for me is " they dont really have their father to teach them how to act." Having two parents is the ideal situation for children, but when that isn't the case its who ever is caring for them to take on that responsibility. So many parents confuse love with discipline. One has nothing to do with the other. Love your children unconditionally and discipline them unemotionally. You have to learn to remove your emotion from the discipline. They are children, they are supposed to test their boundaries. If your boundaries have been so loose then you need to re-set them inch by inch. Don't try to tackle all the behaviors at once. One of things I found to work quick and easy is as simple as a game. Make up a listening game for them, something as simple as Simon Says will work. Except the game has a time limit and who ever doesn't listen isn't excluded the ones that listen get an immediate reward. Candy, Grapes, what ever small things they enjoy. Don't make it a competition don't keep score. Learn how to communicate with them and get them used to listening to your requests. Good luck and I would love to help further if you would like.

kittencaller 07/13/2015

There's some great suggestions here but if it were me I'd just love to contact "Super Nanny" online and see if she'd come over to teach me a few things. I was a single parent in the 70's and there weren't any answers anywhere on how to discipline or train your kids properly when you're trying to do it all alone. The only program available then was the "Tough Love" program and I felt that was bordering on cruel.

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