so I’ve had panic attacks for a long time. I don’t remember what triggered the first one, i was in school so I must have had a test or something coming up. it was crazy inside my head, I was in school and I just remember thinking I was dying. That something was going on inside my body and my mind raced faster than the speed of light. I couldn’t feel my arms and the school nurse looked frightened because I had gone white and my eyes were going all strange which i presume is because of the lack of oxgyen, I don’t know, because it lasted a long time my first one. I was throwing up and was completely out of control, there was no one who could calm me down. I often had them for a while but at the time I had a lot of other issues which is when I think I developed anxiety. Anyway, an incident took place this year, two in fact, involving two men at different incidents and different countries, and let’s just say they didn’t care for my consent they just worried about what they wanted to do. The first time was more violent and I was held down and after it had finished he tried to do it again. The second time I was sleeping after we had consensual sex and he thought he would go again while I was unconscious. Anyways these happened within the last 5 months so things haven’t been easy. My friend took it upon herself to tell me more or less I was getting on their nerves when we were out. She told me that they would all feel bad not asking me to go out because they want to have fun, and that I only seem to have them around them when we’re out and she doesn’t know what I expect them to do. I shortly answered i don’t want them to do anything. But she asked if I was faking, as all of you know its hard enough having a panic attack without the rest of my issues and I don’t need a close friend of mine, id even call her my best friend, asking me if it was all fake. I told her I had them around a lot of different people like my mother and colleagues. There was a risk assessment put in place in work because of how bad I was getting and they even tried to talk to me about taking time off and going on sick Slavs. But she pointed out that I don’t have them in front my mam, what? How would she know? I’m not gonna tell her everytime I have one, which is a lot I’ll add, and it’s embarrassing that my mother has had to lay in bed with me because I’m afraid to turn off the light or stay with me because I’m crying uncontrollably. I’m quite a closed off person and crying is a big no in my eyes but I just couldn’t believe it, she told me I had to get help but i said I’m not ready which I think is fair comment because there’s no point in getting help if you don’t want to because I wouldn’t co-operate with the therapists and it would be a waste of time. But she said it’s not about when I’m ready. I’m not gonna seek help just to satisfy her. She think I do this weird staring thing where I’m in my own world, which I do, but if she did some research she would realise that all of the stuff that I’m doing is all a symptom of the RPS. I research everything, I guess to feel like I’m not alone and I’m not going crazy, and all of it matched. But my friend is one sandwich short of a picnic bless her. I’ll say my group of friends is aged 17 to 19 so we’re all young and I get it when we’re all young you don’t want to deal with all of this. Their at the stage where the biggest issue to them is that their boyfriends haven’t texted them back or liked another girls picture, I really really don’t care about all that kind of stuff but I listen and help where I can and I don’t belittle any of it because it’s important to them, I don’t want to sit and listen to how their upset because their boyfriend walked straight past them and didn’t say hello straight away but I do because that’s an issue for them and I’ll sit and listen and talk to them and that’s how it should be, but they don’t want to deal with the heavier stuff because that means then that they might actually have to have a real conversation about something other than the fact than they were so upset that the top they wanted to order was out of stock, but I’m their age and I have no choice so I don’t understand, they see me once a week and what’s one incident a week compared to 6 other days when they don’t see me. I’ve taken a huge step back and now I feel completely alone. They’ve gone and booked a holiday to Magaluf which is where the first incident took place, why there? Why not somewhere else, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere because I’m not in the right head space but if they were my friends why would they consider going somewhere that they know it’ll trigger everything for me. I’m sorry this is so long it’s just been building up and I don’t have anyone else to say this too