Hello everyone. I am new here so here's my story:
I started dealing with major depression when I was very young. In fact, at the age of 10 I went through my first suicide attempt. My parents never believed in mental illness, they thought I was just being difficult and didn't take me to a psychiatrist. Through the years I learned to live with the depression, though I occasionally did very self destructive things such as cutting, excessive drinking, and drugs. Finally, in my late 20's I felt like I reached a stable place, I had finished graduate school and was living in a city I loved. Unfortunately, my dad got an aggressive form of prostate cancer and I had to come home to take care of him, since my mother couldn't afford a caregiver and I am an only child. I cared for my dad round the clock for the last month of his life, and it was horrible. He died a little more everyday, right before my eyes. He would forget who I was sometimes, other times he'd beg me to let him die, and sometimes he'd be scared and would ask me to tell him it would all be ok. I was there when he took his last breath. I will never forget it.
After that, I developed severe insomnia and began to have panic attacks. The attacks would come at night, usually associated with my not being able to fall asleep. I finally began to see a psychiatrist on a regular basis. She prescribed 2mg of Klonopin and 25mg of seroquel to be taken at night as well as 25mg of Paxil to be taken everyday for my depression. The medication worked wonderfully, and again I had a period of time where I felt quite good. I then entered into a relationship that started out well, but ended up being emotionally and psychologically abusive. While I was in this relationship, I moved away from my psychiatrist because my fiance decided he no longer liked the city we lived in and wanted to move closer to where he was from. No longer seeing my psychiatrist, my medication prescriptions ran out, and since I was taking care of myself and my fiance financially, I didn't see a doctor where we were living. My insomnia then returned and the anxiety got much worse. My fiance also had a history of depression and suicide attempts, and was going through a black period so I tried to hold together to take care of both of us. Instead I ended up not sleeping and with nightly panic attacks for a month. In that period I tried again to commit suicide and ended up in the hospital. While there, I was referred to a psychiatrist who worked for the state and therefore, who I could afford. I went to see him, and he decided that the medication I had been on was too potentially addictive and he wanted to put me on temazepam instead of the klonopin/seroquel combo. He prescribed 1-2 pills a night, I forget the dosage. I tried it but to no success. When I called him to tell him, he just kept asking me to increase the dose. Eventually I was taking so much that I was hallucinating, but still not sleeping. My body got weak and I became ill, and landed back in a hospital in my home town. The doctors there helped me gain some strength, and I was able to partner with my old psychiatrist who put me back on my old regimen of Paxil, klonnopin and seroquel. I also ended the bad relationship, and for about 5 years I did very well. During that time, I met, and married, my husband. We started to try to have children. I was able to get pregnant about a year after we got married, but I lost the pregnancy about 8 weeks in. After that, I went through some deep depression which really tested our marriage, but we got through it. We began fertility treatments a few months later and in May of this year, I got pregnant again. My fertility doctor asked me to stop taking the klonopin and seroquel, as well as the Paxil. I did and seemed to be fine. Then I lost the second pregnancy at 8 weeks along, and the miscarriage was very severe, landing me in the hospital due to hemorrhage twice. As the physical symptoms of the miscarriage lessened, I began to experience the worst panic attacks ever, lasting hours at a time and happening several times a day.I was in hell. I thought I was going crazy, becoming schizophrenic, dying, you name it. I felt like I wasn't real, that reality wasn't real. I started to become paranoid. I even thought my husband was trying to kill me for a few days. I was terrified. To make matters worse, my trusted psychiatrist had retired. I had to start with someone new. I found a psychiatrist, but I am still trying to get used to him. He put me back on the Paxil, 10.5mg a day, as well as 1mg klonopin at night with 25mg seroquel. On this regimen I am ok, most of the time. I have days where my panic seems to follow me around no matter what, and those days are hard to get through. Sometimes I feel "normal". I've decided not to try for another pregnancy, and my husband and I are pursuing adoption instead.We are excited to be beginning that journey. I'm also going back to work as a vet tech, which will hopefully help make the panic lessen simply by occupying my mind with other things.
I absolutely hate this disorder. I hate the hopeless feeling I get on the bad days. I hate fearing the attacks. My hope is that someday, the bad days and attacks will become so few and far between that they will barely factor into my life. I am fortunate to have a supportive husband and good friends, but it is nice to see this site, and know that I am not alone. Have others out there experienced a dramatic worsening of symptoms after miscarriage? How long until things subsided? Any advice or treatments I could look into besides psychotherapy and medication?
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and sorry it was so long. Hugs to everyone else on this site, I hope we all have better days ahead.