Hi! 

I've been looking for some support groups to join mostly because I think this condition can be so inherently lonely and it can feel as if no one will ever really understand what it feels like. I'm not sure how this group/forum works, but I would really really really like to make some friends who would want to talk about the kind of big questions, struggles, and complexities of navigating an anxiety disorder and panic disorder. 

To start with, I was wondering if anyone else here has trouble accepting the potential realities of their disorder? I've been working through a lot of self-worth therapy on my own--trying to get to the root of my feelings of worthlessness--and I'm finally at a place where I don't judge myself or think I'm inherently less-than for my disorder...most days. Even still with all of this work, I've been struggling lately to imagine myself worthy of or capable of having the kind of life I've dreamed of, especially when it comes to romantic partners. 

A year ago, I was voluntarily hospitalized for a major depressive episode (caused by both a year-long worsening bout of anxiety/panic attacks due to lack of medication, as well as a whole host of life hardships). I've found the medications that work for me, I've done the work in therapy, and I can genuinely say that I'm the happiest I've been in my entire life. I feel whole. But there are still things I can't do, things I might never be able to do. I get panic attacks driving long distances, especially to new places (some of my driving triggers are large bridges, steep hills, multi-lane traffic lights, and even after years of trying I can't drive the interstate) where I can't prepare for the possible triggers in advance. And the idea that I'm probably always going to have these (I've tried exposure therapy, I've tried ALL of the therapy, and meds, but I just can't get over or beyond some of my triggers to be, "normal,"), is something I'm terrified of and can't make myself accept without feeling a lot of distress and heartbreak. 

I have hydroxyzine, which I take on days I know I'll have some extra anxiety or when I feel the panic blooming in my chest or when I know I'm going to have to face some triggers, but the inability to completely stop my panic attacks makes me feel so limited sometimes. And I feel limited in a way that makes me worried no one is going to want to be with someone who's unable to drive to a new city without having to study the google street views (if I can even make the drive at all), or someone who can't stand to be in the house alone, or someone who has to check their heart rate at least five times a day to make sure that it's good and normal and safe.

I'm proud of my progress and my recovery: I went from being so agoraphobic that I couldn't hardly leave the house, so anxious about driving that I couldn't drive down the street, so anxious about my health and dying that I would walk to my neighbor's house and sleep on her couch every night so I wouldn't be alone in my apartment, so panicked ALL the time that I stopped eating or sleeping; I couldn't exist without that dread in my chest saying the world was ending, or that something was wrong, or feeling so keenly aware of every breath I took, or being terrified that my heart would stop. I couldn't even live and yet I was afraid of dying. 

All that to say that I'm better, leaps and bounds better, and I'm working so hard to make sure that others don't feel alone and can get to the places I've found that are peaceful and healthy and full of progress. But does anyone else ever struggle to feel, in spite of their work and progress, that someone else is going to love you regardless of your anxieties? Because I can't promise that I won't have another depressive episode, or that my meds will always work, and even on my best days I am limited more than most neurotypical people. And I love myself and I have a great support group of friends and family I can depend on, but I just feel as if maybe this disorder is too much for romantic love, and maybe I'll just have to be alone. It's the only part of my disorder that I can't bring myself to accept, and I don't want to accept it at all, and I'm wondering if I have to accept that or if it's just one of the last lies the disorder is trying to feed me. 

Have any of you found true lasting love? Someone who gets it? Someone who can talk you down from a panic attack and yet not lose respect for you? I guess all of this is to say that I'm looking for a friend, and a little hope, or just the knowledge that I'm not alone. 

Thanks for letting me ramble!