LET ME BEGIN WITH A FEW ABBREVIATIONS TO HELP YOU DISCUSS & READ HERE:

DH = Dear Husband
EC = Estranged Children
ED = Estranged Daughter
ES = Estranged Son
EDIL = Estranged Daughter In Law
ESIL = Estranged Son In Law
EMIL =Estranged Mother In Law
EFIL = Estranged Father In Law
ExH = Ex Husband

There are other WHOLE support groups here on DS you can join if desired. Feel FREE TO MENTION in replies.)

OTF is just an AVENUE to Assistance

NDY

HERE I was feelin SO smug about my ES who had called to tell me that he had informed me 3rd in regards to the pregnancy of his girlfriend of 9 yrs ... Was feelin like maybe THIS means after his not talkin to me recently after 19 yrs of silence. Well he called me to thank me for his birthday card I sent him..Told him I was going to bake his favorite cookies for a present.. He said he was too busy to come over to get them (I don't drive) & not to bother. I questioned whether he wanted to have a continued relationship with me (as I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment.) BAD CHOICE He went off on a tirade! He got TOTALLY upset..Ranted about how he could just go back to NOT talking to me again.. How he didn't call me up to have a confrontation... He didn't NEED this..etc. I simply said "All I want is to love you and be included in your life. How that takes place is up to you." And left it like that. WHO NEEDS IT ? Not I ~ Not like THAT!
WHAT do you think? Do you have EC? Or if NOT - What is your opinion?

My mom is 89 & doesn't probably know who I am, introduces my younger brother as HER deceased kid brother. My mom & I could not even ATTEMPT 2 have a close moment before there being an intense argument first. Now it's too late 4 a reconciliationMy younger brother WAS her favorite. Ur not doing anything but being nice & asking 4 some nice in return. Maybe he doesn't know how 2 let down his guard, b vulnerable....time will tell.

this deserves a big bump!!

We have a great bunch of menbers in our DS estrangement group and many of them accepted my invitation to join this group for a much needed relief from the stress life dumps in our laps via our estranged children. It is a heartbreaking time in our lives when we should be enjoying the 'fruits of our labor,' instead we have our children and grandchildren yanked from our lives. If any of you have any estranged people in your life we would like to invite you to join us at Moms of Estranged Adult Children.

Thanks for providing this spot for a plug!

notdeadyet - my mom used to tell me, 'you can pick your friends but not your family.' i'd add, 'children have 2 parents,' meaning biological as well as emotional. idk what your relationship was like with your son when he was growing up but from what i've seen of your posts here you seem reasonable ...sometimes people are just hurtful because they are hurting, other times because they have a personality disorder or other issue. again idk but from what little you posted it seems to me your son may be suffering with some sort of mental illness or disorder, does he react in a similar way to others or just you?

whatever the case i'm sorry your relationship is estranged and hope that whatever the cause that it can be healed for both your sakes.

In 1986, when I was 42, after 7 pregnancies in 10yrs (2 early miscarriages, another at 6mos) and 5 children later, I had what I believe now to have had "postpartum depression". At that time, I received denigrating and abusive treatment by my then husband and made some poor life choices because of confusion at that time. Unable to receive any viable support from anyone I abandoned my children in order to come back and steal them once I had alternative housing.. (At that time there was no obvious women's shelters or domestic abuse facilities available)

Unfortunately after I did manage to secure the family van I came back and got my 3 girls but I couldn't "find" find my 2 boys. Apparently they were at soccer practice. As of that day, my life changed forever...

Eventually, on a court order and a promise of their safe return I allowed my girls to visit their father who kept them, won custody, and kept me out of their lives exclusively.. I wasn't even permitted to attend their school functions and the cut off age for visitation argument was10. I had lost my children. My life.

That being said I have 5 children one of whom is employed as my care giver. And, with one child, on the way, I have 12.5 grandchildren.My adult children have come and gone throughout my life after they had come of age. They hold their children at bay to pay me back for a choice I wasn't even privy to.. I do have a limited relationship with my daughter and my 2 grand daughters depending upon where she is at in the area of being friends with her siblings at the time. And ...

That is why I asked my ES when he said to forget the cookies if he wanted a continued relationship with me.

There are support groups here at DS that are targeted at dealing with estrangement. I do frequent them and have many friends there. I wanted to discuss this here in the open in an unguarded situation to let others, men and women, to know that they are not alone in their grief. There are hundreds of others within these groups who once also felt that they were alone.

I invite those who are involved actively in these groups to use Over The Fence as another resource to talk about their individual organizations and the founding principles behind them so that those in need can be exposed to the information openly.. You may post your own personal thread to recruit EC members to your own groups here.

This just another form of outreach now available to you. Here is your forum ~ Use it!

Thank you for your concern.

NDY

Thanks for sharing your story, NDY. I agree with Ching, Moms is a great group for estrangement.

But your thought to bring the subject to a more open forum is brilliant! Estrangement is a silent epidemic IMO (but not on DS where we are anything but silent!) Others would have no idea of the grief and heartbreak moms and dads go through when struggling with this issue. It is just not normal. And then many of us have grandchildren who are collateral damage, even more heartbreaking.

I would just mention to members who know someone in their life with this "silent" epidemic to please not judge. That's why I believe it is a silent epidemic because of the guilt and shame parents face. It is so unnatural that you can hardly explain to an 'outsider' all the intricate ins and outs of your estrangement. They just sort of tilt their head at you and probably wonder - what did you do to cause this?

And the thing is, because we are on estrangement websites discussing our issues and trying to heal, we must not be all bad! Parents who walk away from their adult children with nary a look back are probably not visiting DS and trying to cope.

And to adult children thinking of cutting ties with your parents - please think twice. Please consider discussing issues before they become overwhelming; hopefully your parents will communicate with you too. I hope no one, young or old, ever has to experience the pain and loss of estrangement.

Thanks again NDY...

Mystic

NDY your story is so sad and a result of an abusive relationship and your chance to escape and survive. So many times our well intentioned choices backfire and create life long pain due to the lack of understanding by all parties. Those of s living with estrangement from our AEC can understand and sympathize with you. No two estrangements are the same but the feelings of loss are always overwhelming to bear and it is so helpful to have the support of other parents that can share their stories. We are not alone.

Mystic, your words were very wise. Especially to any children that may be having issues with their parents. Rather than total estrangment, it would be so much better to communicate feelings and seek answers prior to such a final and drastic withdrawal.

Thank you both for your posts. By bringing this topic to others, there is hope they may make different choices and others may view parents of estrangement differently in the future.

Great post ladies. Mystic, you are right on the money! The silent epidemic.

Because of this thread I am now Blessed to be communicating with a teenage girl who is experiencing some communication difficulties with her mom ... I f I could be the nucleus of prevention that one less estrangement would occur then that certainly WOULD be a Blessing!


NDY

Amen NDY!!! May God Bless you both.

I'm not sure that the number of ESTRANGED FAMILIES should be called an "epidemic." While I was in therapy during my Divorce from Hell, my therapist said that the DYSFUNCTION in my family of origin had developed into MULTI-GENERATIONAL DYSFUNCTION. And so true it is!

At this point in my life, I have come to realize that I have been BLESSED by understanding how the dysfunction began (with my mother) and have seen it run rampant in my two older sisters and my own grown daughter...trickled right down to her children, as well. I have come to accept that because of their indvidual dysfunction, that my sisters and my daughter are very TOXIC to my otherwise peaceful life. It is painful to accept, but in order to MAINTAIN MY OWN EMOTIONAL HEALTH, I must maintain the BOUNDARY I have set between myself and the whole lot of them!

Somewhere I read a poem that said, "Our children are NOT our children" and I wish I could remember where that comes from. I have come to understand that it is absolute TRUTH. And the DEFINING QUESTION I have had to ask myself many times is this: "If this person was not my relative, would they be my friend?" Each time, the answer is a resounding NO. That is when it became easier to set the boundary. And because I was able to do that, there is a lot less DRAMA in my life.

I hate DRAMA! I have chosen a PEACEFUL life for myself and I know what is required to maintain it. Hugs to all of you who are struggling in this.

Cowgirlkathie,

Is this the poem you were looking for?

On Children:

Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I have tears in my eyes reading this passage! ty kathie for proposing it ~ Ty divine for retrieving it... It shall go in my heart today as a healing balm!


NDY