Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. When a child cannot seem to control his anger or frustration, even over what seems to be trivial or simple to others, the child will often react in violent or negative ways to his own...
I am going to start posting these daily reflections as I get them. They are from Heather Forbes, co-founder of Beyond Consequences.
There is no room for fear in relationships. To apply this concept to parenting, compare these two approaches: (1) 'Suzy, I'm taking these toys out of your room until you get your homework done. Not until then will you get them back.' OR (2) 'Suzy, I think you're having a hard time keeping focused with all these toys in your room. Why don't you come sit with me while I'm paying my bills--they're kinda like my homework--and that way, we can help each other stay focused?'
The first example places all the blame on the child. The parent uses "things" to create motivation within her child. The parent is threatening and controlling. This fear gets transferred to the child and makes the relationship between parent and child based in fear, not love.
The second example accepts the child in her development and understands that she has not learned to remain focused (this is still a problem for many 'grown' ups). This second example is a response to give assistance, not a reaction to make the child do her task. Nothing was taken away, only given (love and understanding). This response also recognizes that motivation comes from an internal state of calm, not from external fear-based rewards.
www.beyondconsequences.com
There is no room for fear in relationships. To apply this concept to parenting, compare these two approaches: (1) 'Suzy, I'm taking these toys out of your room until you get your homework done. Not until then will you get them back.' OR (2) 'Suzy, I think you're having a hard time keeping focused with all these toys in your room. Why don't you come sit with me while I'm paying my bills--they're kinda like my homework--and that way, we can help each other stay focused?'
The first example places all the blame on the child. The parent uses "things" to create motivation within her child. The parent is threatening and controlling. This fear gets transferred to the child and makes the relationship between parent and child based in fear, not love.
The second example accepts the child in her development and understands that she has not learned to remain focused (this is still a problem for many 'grown' ups). This second example is a response to give assistance, not a reaction to make the child do her task. Nothing was taken away, only given (love and understanding). This response also recognizes that motivation comes from an internal state of calm, not from external fear-based rewards.
www.beyondconsequences.com
bugabugsmom
This is good,thank you.
deleted_user
This is my first response and im new as of 5 mins to this support system. This insight speaks to me--i have to learn how to help my son instead of blame him--i have to learn how to parent all over again--not that i had it till now--but i have to wipe the slate clean and reparent for his future and my sanity!
rockym
I can attest to that. My oldest, 18 yr old son (non ADHD/ODD),turned out fine with the way I parented previously, IE: screaming, yelling and spanking) of course he was pretty easy so not much of that going on. We just have to realize that not every kid is as as resilient as people say and we need to look at ourselves and forget everything we ever thought we knew about parenting and learn how to parent our kids with these issues. It sucks, but it is what it is. Don't give up on them!
deleted_user
Thank you! A great idea! I appreciate it :)
deleted_user
Interesting...this is helpful, thank you
deleted_user
thank you for this article! i leanred alot.
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