Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. When a child cannot seem to control his anger or frustration, even over what seems to be trivial or simple to others, the child will often react in violent or negative ways to his own...
This is a long story, so stick with me.....
KC, my neice, is the middle child of my older sister's. She grew up always being a little confrontational and snarky. When she was 5 she was diagnosed with ADHD. Then, two years later ODD. She was taken to counselling. Her mom decided against any drugs for the ADHD as she didn't want a zombie.
When KC was nine my older sister got addcited to crack. It took two years, but finally childrens services got involved. All three of her kids were removed. The other two went to their fathers, but KC's dad wanted nothing to do with her. So social services asked me, 22 at the time, if I would take in my 11 year old neice. I did.
It was a year of hardships and triumphs. She was removed from three schools in the year she was with me. Two she was expelled for outright disobediance and violence. One I removed her from after the bus driver had been showing questionable behaviour with the young girls and the school told me it was none of my business. The bus driver got fired and charged and the school's top faculty were fired in the end.
She turned 12 in my care that year, the birthday party was bitter sweet. We signed her up for soccor, we took her to two counsellers, we took her out and about almost every day. My bosses were nice enough to let her stay at my work in the staff room while I worked as she couldn't be left alone.
At the end of the year she started to run away on an almost weekly basis, and after much talk they removed her from my care. I was asked to still have weekly 'dates' with her as I was literally the only authority figure she didn't spit on.
Since then she has gone to live with my mother, my mother has become her legal guardian. And it has gotten so much worse.
She has been arrested for theft, assault. She actually spit in an officers face when she was being booked....she's lucky they didn't charge her with something for that! She drinks, she smokes, she does drugs. She turned 14 in August. People think that it's just teenage angst but it's not.
She calls my mother, her own grandmother, all sorts of names. She has been kicked out of EVERY school in the city. She is in an outreach program now, and is one incident from expulsion there too. All that will be left is home schooling. She runs away. She hits my mother. She skips school, and as the law says, my mother gets the fine for every day she misses that the truancy officer knows of.
KC tells her workers(my mother works with social services) where to go and how to get there. She told her therapist that she was a useless b*tch who deserved to burn alive!
I know there is more there then ODD. She has had a rough childhood. But this is eating my mother alive. She has no more options that we know of.
Does anyone have any advice or opinions? I'll be honest, social services mentioned breifly placing her back with me, but I have a 15 month old daughter now, and I don't want her exposed to the terror that is KC.
KC, my neice, is the middle child of my older sister's. She grew up always being a little confrontational and snarky. When she was 5 she was diagnosed with ADHD. Then, two years later ODD. She was taken to counselling. Her mom decided against any drugs for the ADHD as she didn't want a zombie.
When KC was nine my older sister got addcited to crack. It took two years, but finally childrens services got involved. All three of her kids were removed. The other two went to their fathers, but KC's dad wanted nothing to do with her. So social services asked me, 22 at the time, if I would take in my 11 year old neice. I did.
It was a year of hardships and triumphs. She was removed from three schools in the year she was with me. Two she was expelled for outright disobediance and violence. One I removed her from after the bus driver had been showing questionable behaviour with the young girls and the school told me it was none of my business. The bus driver got fired and charged and the school's top faculty were fired in the end.
She turned 12 in my care that year, the birthday party was bitter sweet. We signed her up for soccor, we took her to two counsellers, we took her out and about almost every day. My bosses were nice enough to let her stay at my work in the staff room while I worked as she couldn't be left alone.
At the end of the year she started to run away on an almost weekly basis, and after much talk they removed her from my care. I was asked to still have weekly 'dates' with her as I was literally the only authority figure she didn't spit on.
Since then she has gone to live with my mother, my mother has become her legal guardian. And it has gotten so much worse.
She has been arrested for theft, assault. She actually spit in an officers face when she was being booked....she's lucky they didn't charge her with something for that! She drinks, she smokes, she does drugs. She turned 14 in August. People think that it's just teenage angst but it's not.
She calls my mother, her own grandmother, all sorts of names. She has been kicked out of EVERY school in the city. She is in an outreach program now, and is one incident from expulsion there too. All that will be left is home schooling. She runs away. She hits my mother. She skips school, and as the law says, my mother gets the fine for every day she misses that the truancy officer knows of.
KC tells her workers(my mother works with social services) where to go and how to get there. She told her therapist that she was a useless b*tch who deserved to burn alive!
I know there is more there then ODD. She has had a rough childhood. But this is eating my mother alive. She has no more options that we know of.
Does anyone have any advice or opinions? I'll be honest, social services mentioned breifly placing her back with me, but I have a 15 month old daughter now, and I don't want her exposed to the terror that is KC.
I'm just worn down and she isn't even in my home anymore! I do only live about six blocks from my mother and neice, and it means when they fight she comes here. But what she want's is for me to tell her it's okay to treat people the way she does, and I don't tell her that. Never have. I tell her point blank that she is wrong. That if she want's to be respected she has to be respectful.
I don't know if this is just her or a characteristic, but she is always seeing slights in what authority figures say or do to her. Like for instance, a teacher in grade 3 asked her and her friend to stop talking during class. KC stood up, three her book at the teacher, and called her a name. Later KC claimed the teacher did it to pick on her and her teacher hated her and wanted to get her kicked out. The teacher didn't intend any of that! And it's like that with every authority figure!
If a cop picks her up she claims they were out looking specifically for her(she has been on probation 3 times and she's only 14 but never once have they been out for her, they just spotted her while breaching her probation). If a pal's parent tells her she isn't welcome in the home due to foul language and bad attitude, then the parent is out to get her because the parent hates her. KC has no good friends as most parent's have banned their kids from hanging out with her!
I know her upbringing has alot to do with it. I went to some therapist meetings with her, plus attended courses put on my childrens services to learn about certain behaviours and traits of kids who have had her upbringing. But when it comes to the ODD it seems like children's services balks. Like they don't want to waste the time on it.
It definitley helps to know that there are other's standing beside us beating their heads on the brick wall! I just know there is a good kid in there, I've seen her! I just don't want KC to end up as a high school drop out, imprisoned and eventually just....spiritually beaten. And that's the road she is halfway down already!
My son is 13 and on a good day can compliment me "your hair looks good." or "You look nice" On a bad day he will yell "Go die in a hole!" when I ask him to do his homework or clean up. It's horrible but I am trying not to take it personally.
That's great that you are still there for your neice but understandable that you do not want to sacrifice the quality of your child's life by taking her on full time.
My thoughts are with you!
As far as letting her back into her home, I'm not sure I could do that with a toddler. I would be terrified. On the other hand, you could give her a chance with some conditions. Perhaps writing a contract and having her sign it.
I haven't figured out why yet, but my son struggles with friendships when the friends become too good of friends (if that makes any sense). He says it's like they want to marry them and that is embarrassing. I wonder if your niece struggles similarly because you mentioned she doesn't treat you like she treats everyone else, but yet she ran away from your home.
ODD is a difficult thing. The resistance to authority figures just creates more push back with the authority figures and it is a vicious circle. It's difficult to convince anyone differently.
I think she might be beyond ODD and into Conduct Disorder (not that I'm anything near a professional that could properly diagnosis her), it's just something I've read about. Maybe she needs a new therapist, one that understands what she has and can help her. I'm not suggesting her therapist is a bad therapist, just one that might not be best matched with your niece.
I also think that with a lot of lost souls, you have to let them keep falling until they hit THEIR rock bottom. The only thing you can do is be there to catch them when they are ready to be caught.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/DS00630/DSECTION=lifestyle-and-home-remedies