hi guys, i haven't written on here in 6 years. my ex bf comitted suicide 2 weeks before my wedding and whilst everyone tells me it is not my fault, my ocd brain keeps telling me it is. i can't get that thought out of my head no matter how irrational it may be. i just think it to be true. his family didn't treat me as though it was my fault at the funeral, but his mum cried when i told her i was married now and told my husband 'i can''t help but wonder what couldve been' and how he loved me. we broke up at the end of 2023. i got in a new relationship december 2024. engaged december 2025, posted my engagement pics on jan 12 then 2 weeks later he takes his life (we're still social media friends) and 2 weeks after that i'm to be married. in november 2025 i told him i don't want to be friends. i know he had other stuff going on which is what caused it ultimately, but i can't help but think that i contributed to his overall saddness. i can't shake the guilt no matter how i try and it is now becoming a problem. i think of him multiple times a day. i just want to be happy and move on with my life with my now husband, who has grieved with me and has been nothing but supportive but i can see it is hard for him too as i'm having major adjustment issues. i have anxiety, trichotillomania and dermatillomania too. this week i picked at my skin and made it blead. i have 1 infection. recently (2021) i realised i have adhd too. so this repetive thought pattern/cycle of feeling at fault/guilty is intrusive, but makes sense to my personality. i just don't know how to change considering therapy is not helping. she just tells me it's not my fault... tell that to my brain.