Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
Lately, I can not stop worrying about depression, existentialism, and whether my life is worth living. The scary thing is a part of me really wishes I was dead. I constantly think about suicide and have had an incident happen almost a year and a half ago.
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
I was at work when I had a breakdown. I was having a lot of severe panic attacks and this was around the time I started getting the existential thoughts. That voice in my head just wouldn't shut up and kept saying "End it all." I ended up leaving work and kinda felt like I was in a zombie-like trance. Sure enough, I walked home, broke open a razor, and cut my wrist with it. Luckly, I did no more damage than a cat scratch and as soon as I felt the pain I stopped.
My biggest fear is if my OCD caused me to do this, or if it was something else. I also suffer from panic disorder and depression.
I also have other thoughts that drive me crazy. I am constantly worrying if I am unhappy with my husband and if being with him is causing my problems (my panic disorder really kicked into overdrive around the time I started dating him, but really was due to me being an alcoholic at the time which caused even worse panic attacks than ever before). I also keep missing my past in the punk scene which was before I met my husband and I feel like my life is dull now, although if probably has little if nothing to do with him (I no longer have a car, lost my job, and mope in my apartment doing nothing 24/7).
I keep asking myself: am I really suicidal? Do I love my husband and is he the one for me? Is this just what they call a mid-life crisis?
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
I was at work when I had a breakdown. I was having a lot of severe panic attacks and this was around the time I started getting the existential thoughts. That voice in my head just wouldn't shut up and kept saying "End it all." I ended up leaving work and kinda felt like I was in a zombie-like trance. Sure enough, I walked home, broke open a razor, and cut my wrist with it. Luckly, I did no more damage than a cat scratch and as soon as I felt the pain I stopped.
My biggest fear is if my OCD caused me to do this, or if it was something else. I also suffer from panic disorder and depression.
I also have other thoughts that drive me crazy. I am constantly worrying if I am unhappy with my husband and if being with him is causing my problems (my panic disorder really kicked into overdrive around the time I started dating him, but really was due to me being an alcoholic at the time which caused even worse panic attacks than ever before). I also keep missing my past in the punk scene which was before I met my husband and I feel like my life is dull now, although if probably has little if nothing to do with him (I no longer have a car, lost my job, and mope in my apartment doing nothing 24/7).
I keep asking myself: am I really suicidal? Do I love my husband and is he the one for me? Is this just what they call a mid-life crisis?
About 5 days ago we got into an argument where he claimed that it seemed like I wasn't happy with him. It seemed like he was referring to our financial situation, but my OCD has been at an all time high since he said that. Did all my bullshit talking about not being happy cause him to really believe it? Is my OCD finally causing an impact on him?
Sorry to hear about your travails. Naturally, stress in a marriage, financial stress or any stress will always make ones OCD worse.
I also think OCD, AKA "The doubting disease", makes us all wonder about this and that, including spouses or BFs and GFs. I have 2nd and 3rd guessed myself a million times in the last 35 years about soooo many things. It is part of the "great" package deal we get with OCD.
As far as suicicde is concerned, I have an OPINION and only an OPINION on this subject when it comes to OCD. I have NEVER read or heard about someone with just OCD (even with resulting depression) killing themselves. I have heard about people with other psych problems that equal or overshadow their OCD attempting or succeeding at suicide.
My point is that is the basis for OCD is the fear of harm coming to oneself or others thru thoughts or actions. So, if we fear hurting ourselves so much, how could we or would we harm ourselves? I am sorry you tried to hurt yourself but even you admit it was a "cat scratch" or very minor attempt. I am always very dubious about those I hear commit suicide because of OCD. A few times I found out they also had Bi-polar disorder or some other psych disorder where a certain percentage do try to harm themselves. THIS WAS ONLY AN OPINION!!!!
As far as missing the "punk scene" and anything else, I have no comment. How much these are real feelings and how much they are based on trying to think back on happier times now that you are suffering so much, who knows? And who knows what effect your current med(s) are having on you (making you more depressed?)?
Good luck with feeling better. And again, OCD, plus marriage stress plus financial stress can certainly make anyone (not just OCDers) feel unhappy, more anxious and even angrier than normal.
All this to say, I am a fellow sufferer with you and I'm still waking up each morning and living each day. I hope this helps you.