Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
I'm a 23 year old college student and have had OCD since I was in preschool, but it is getting unbearable to the point where I do not know how I am going to live the rest of my life like this.
My current obsession (which has been going strong for about 5 years now) is parasites. I am terrified of getting a tapeworm or roundworm and it is impacting my life. I no longer touch my family's pets. I am afraid of fleas because I learned they transmit tapeworm, so every black speck I see, I panic and think it's a flea. I am afraid of eating meat and raw vegetables for fear they are contaminated and I quit cooking because of this (cooking was one of my favorite hobbies). I like to be outside too, but even that is becoming difficult because of my fears. It seems everything I was enjoyed is being ruined by the OCD.
To make things more complicated, I am trying to recovery from an eating disorder. My fear of being contaminated makes eating 100X more stressful and anxiety provoking for me than it already is because of the eating disorder. And it seems that now that I am doing better with my eating, the OCD is flaring up. In a way, I think I used my eating disorder to reduce my anxiety and now that I am trying to stop my disordered behaviors, my anxiety is exploding.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am in therapy, but my therapist does not have much to say about my OCD when I bring it up (she specializes in eating disorders, not OCD). I have always been afraid of medication, but I agreed to try an SSRI (Prozac) last summer, and had a bad experience. I had to get off of it because it was severely disrupting my sleep and it made me feel almost manic and even more panicky than I am to begin with. I am afraid to try another one. I am also terrified a medication will make me gain weight, and that would not bode well as I am trying to recover from this eating disorder.
My mom is my only support through all this, but even she is becoming frustrated with me. She sometimes gets so upset and yells at me, but I don't blame her. But all of this just makes me feel even worse about myself. I know people do not want to be around me because I am miserable. When my OCD gets so bad, I think about ending my life. I would never actually do that, but that is how upset I get at times. The thought of living with this for the rest of my life terrifies me, and because I have had it since I was 5 years old, I don't have much hope that things will get better.
I guess I am just venting and looking for advice. Has anyone found improvement in their OCD, or is this something chronic? What can I do? Thanks to anyone who took the time to read all this.
My current obsession (which has been going strong for about 5 years now) is parasites. I am terrified of getting a tapeworm or roundworm and it is impacting my life. I no longer touch my family's pets. I am afraid of fleas because I learned they transmit tapeworm, so every black speck I see, I panic and think it's a flea. I am afraid of eating meat and raw vegetables for fear they are contaminated and I quit cooking because of this (cooking was one of my favorite hobbies). I like to be outside too, but even that is becoming difficult because of my fears. It seems everything I was enjoyed is being ruined by the OCD.
To make things more complicated, I am trying to recovery from an eating disorder. My fear of being contaminated makes eating 100X more stressful and anxiety provoking for me than it already is because of the eating disorder. And it seems that now that I am doing better with my eating, the OCD is flaring up. In a way, I think I used my eating disorder to reduce my anxiety and now that I am trying to stop my disordered behaviors, my anxiety is exploding.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am in therapy, but my therapist does not have much to say about my OCD when I bring it up (she specializes in eating disorders, not OCD). I have always been afraid of medication, but I agreed to try an SSRI (Prozac) last summer, and had a bad experience. I had to get off of it because it was severely disrupting my sleep and it made me feel almost manic and even more panicky than I am to begin with. I am afraid to try another one. I am also terrified a medication will make me gain weight, and that would not bode well as I am trying to recover from this eating disorder.
My mom is my only support through all this, but even she is becoming frustrated with me. She sometimes gets so upset and yells at me, but I don't blame her. But all of this just makes me feel even worse about myself. I know people do not want to be around me because I am miserable. When my OCD gets so bad, I think about ending my life. I would never actually do that, but that is how upset I get at times. The thought of living with this for the rest of my life terrifies me, and because I have had it since I was 5 years old, I don't have much hope that things will get better.
I guess I am just venting and looking for advice. Has anyone found improvement in their OCD, or is this something chronic? What can I do? Thanks to anyone who took the time to read all this.
I also went through a food poisoning obsession. I feared throwing up and so I was terrified to eat. EVERYTHING was labeled as BAD. Once my brain said something was bad I would stop eating it cuz if I ate it I would get sick. I lost 15 lbs in a week that I could not afford to lose. I threw out so much food it was terrible. I was even throwing away bagged food that was completely fine but in my head it wasn't! I would feel sick to my stomach yet, the food truly was fine.
Our minds like to grab onto our worst fears. OCD can really take us away. My last obsession was about fearing I was gay or turning gay. The thoughts got so bad that I felt I HAD to kill myself even though I didn't want to. It was scary. The thoughts were so bad it was like having voices in my head screaming right in my face. I suffered alone with all my obsession. My parents knew of them but they did not see what I went through. A lot of it is all behind closed doors. Nobody can see the suffering in your head, especially when you are really good at hiding it.
I feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. I don't think I will EVER go back to school at it is WAY to stressful for me!
I have also been to the Dr, but even their reassurance hasn't made me feel any better. I know it's incredibly unlikely to get tapeworm from a flea, but just the fact that it's POSSIBLE keeps my fear going. I've tried describing my thoughts to my mom this way: it's like I get an idea in my head (eg I have tapeworm, this food is contaminated, etc) and a tiny seed is planted. The idea quickly grows out of control, like a weed, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. No amount of reassurance or logic can switch off the obsessive thinking. I get so exhausted and also angry at myself for wasting so much time worrying. And lately, it seems like everyday there's some new fear relating to the parasites. It never seems to end.
I'd your OCD better since you're not in school anymore? Do you currently have any obsessions? I keep wondering if mine will get better once I'm out of school and life is a bit more settled (I feel like the college years are filled with so much uncertainty), but I don't know. I feel like there are always going to be stressors in my life, and I just do not know how to deal with them. Did you/do you take medication for your OCD or did you try anything? How about therapy? I'm not sure what to do anymore, I just know I cannot live this way.
Thank you do much again for your reply. It means a lot.
I did try medication once but I did not like that it totally took away my libido and at the time that was when I was going through the homosexual obsession which made it worse. I also tried Xanax but that was tough cuz I have constant anxiety outside of the OCD so I'd have to constantly pop pills. Therapy was good as I wasn't really able to talk to anyone else about my OCD. I always felt so great when I left his office. For whatever reasons therapists make life seem so simple that it's like, I wish I could think this way LOL.
That's great you were able to realize the relationship you were in was toxic, and were able to get yourself out of that. I haven't even ventured into the dating world yet (extreme social anxiety makes that pretty much off my radar for now), but I can imagine the stress that would add.
I think for me, there will always be something stressing me out. In all honesty, I think being in school helps with my OCD because it keeps me busy. When I am not busy, I have more time to obsess and worry over things like parasites. I think the real stress for me will come once I graduate and am no longer in the role of a student, since that is a role I am comfortable and familiar with. The real world scares me (I sound pathetic, but it's true).
I am not sure what to do about medication. I have a HUGE fear of them, mostly that they will change my personality and I will never find out who I really am (I am still trying to figure this out; I don't have a clear idea or sense of self) and that they will make me gain weight uncontrollably. The second fear stems from my eating disorder, and it's quite irrational as I am underweight and need to gain weight anyway, but I cannot shake that fear. My mom really wants me to try another SSRI medication, though, and I sometimes wonder if it could help. OCD is ruining my life.
Sometimes I do consider trying another med, because I only have Prozac a shot and I know there are many other meds out there. I also have social anxiety and an eating disorder, which complicates things more and makes me think maybe trying another med really would be beneficial.
But then I get so afraid, not necessarily of side effects, but that the meds will somehow alter my personality and make me into someone I'm not. I'm also afraid it will make me gain weight uncontrollably, which is a fear I have because of my eating disorder.
It sounds like you have overcome so much and are so incredibly strong. Thank you again for your advice and for sharing your experiences. I hope that you continue to keep strong in managing the OCD.
I understand your fear of not being a student anymore. That was really hard. I had a very hard time figuring out who I was after, what my purpose was. I used to have a purpose, goals and I saw immediate results or feed back (grades). I no longer had grades to keep my confidence and self esteem up. Getting good grades in college made me feel successful and felt like I was going somewhere. Now I don't get grades and I feel like I am not really succeeding. In school there are so many ways to see yourself succeed and outside of school those successes are so different. I am in the real world now, or kind of. I mean I am working but I do still live with my parents. So really until I am able to afford to live on my own and pay ALL my bills I am technically not in the real world just yet. But I too fear the real world. I fear having kids and them depending on me, that terrifies me. But one step at a time LOL. Part of my problem in college that stressed me out was I would see how much work I had to do that semester and I would get overwhelmed by it all. But I learned through the additional job that I added that we really need to focus on the hear and now and that we cant think too far ahead.
My two jobs are completely different from each other. One is in retail and the other is in transportation (transporting the elderly). So it is good to have a mix of things to do! I am not using my degree though sadly and may not ever... But I guess it is good to have a degree either way, it still shows determination and that you would go above and beyond.
I hope you start to feel better soon or at least are able to find some ways to cope! Take deep breaths and think about the bigger picture and how much of a miracle it is for us to see, breath and experience life and how amazing it can be. When you sit and think about that kind of stuff, a lot of times it makes all the stuff we worry about seem so insignificant!
BabyMonkey - I have the same fears/thoughts about medications, but then I get frustrated with myself for not trying everything I possibly could to get better.
That's nice your jobs are so different. It sort of mixes things up. And just because you're not using your degree now doesn't mean you never will! Plus, you can apply things you learn in school to most everyday situations, you know? What did you major in?
Thank you for your encouragement. You are so right about appreciating the little things and all the little miracles all around us. That definitely helps to put some of our fears into perspective.