hey kuno,

im really sorry if I repeat a whole lot of stuff you already know, I hope some of this helps you.

have you told your therapist about all these feelings and worries? im sorry to hear you are going through a hard time right now. do you do relaxation or are you on any medication at all?

dont panic just take some big deep breaths, try this exercise, BREATH IN FOR 3 HOLD FOR 3 ANF BREATH OUT FOR 3, repeat this process concentrating on counting and breathing, this will help distract your mind and also slow your heart rate.

do you keep a journal at all?, i find writing all my thoughts, fears and worries down a release. if deep inside you, you know you love your husband, then trust that deep feeling, all the other thoughts and worries are caused by the OCD, they make us doubt ourselves and our own feelings and thoughts. you have to tell yourself, i love my husband, these thoughts are just the OCD giving me a hard time.

If you are missing things from the time before your marriage talk to your husband about bringing some excitement into your lives, bring back some of the wildness and craziness into your life, even if only in a small way. If you feel you are drowning in these thoughts, you have create for yourself a life raft. Make a list about all the positive things about you, your husband and your relationship. Make a list of positive things you can do together.

I think it is best to pick and choose what you tell your husband about your thoughts, I know its hard for loved ones to understand fully what we are going through, and some things maybe are best shared with your therapist just to keep the peace, and not put too much strain on your relationship.

OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, the chemical we are lacking is serotonin. Serotonin is the chemical responsible for releasing happy feelings and to rationalize our thoughts. When you are obsessing, you really need to distract yourself. You cant stop the thoughts from coming but you can take some deep breaths and tell yourself its just the OCD and try and focus on the positive things around you, turn on the radio, or some music, sing a song, turn on the TV, read a bit of a good book or magazine, go for a walk or do some stretching.

Exercise is very important, whether it be yoga, pilates, dance, a walk, swimming, martial arts, it helps to release endorphins. In your diet include lots of fruit and veg, drinks lots of water and stay away from caffeine. Also I was reading a book the good mood diet and it said starchy carbohydrates like rice, pasta and potatoes help to produce serotonin.

Try to do the things that make you happy, I dont know if your into art, but maybe you could do a wonderful expressive painting, to help you release some of your feelings. Maybe write a poem or do a drawing. The creative process can be very healing. Also this is a good site if you need distraction www.deviantart.com, just be aware that there is some strong adult on this site, but it is wonderful and always inspires me.

Do you meditate, or do relaxation? I think these things would really help you, also have you tried aromatherapy, in particular lavender oil is especially soothing.

The main thing is just to relax, remember these thoughts and worries that you obsess on are the OCD, they are not real and not part of you. Listen to that voice deep in side, that comes from your heart, because it knows the truth, you love your husband, its just the OCD giving you a hard time, you cant stop these thoughts from coming but you can tell yourself its just the OCD and try and distract yourself.

I hope some of this helps you sweedi,
Wishing you strength and faith, peace and joy
Be strong, you can get through this, you are not alone.

Much love Dinah xx

Thank you for your help. When I am not anxious or obsessing I know perfectly well that I love my husband, but as soon as anxiety strikes, I begin questioning everything. it is amazing just how well our minds can play tricks on us when we are vulnerable.

I have been thinking about creating a journal, but I just can't motivate myself to start one. I am a professional artist, and sometimes creating art helps, but it can be stressful at times as well. I have been cycling to get rid of some of my stress, and that does help a lot. Lavender is also a great stress reliever, although I currently ran out.

Ah! Thanks for reminding me of deviantart.com. I used to go on there all the time, but forgot the name of it.

I go though the same thing. I have been married to my husband now 5 years. He is my best friend and soul mate. When I have those thoughts and doubts it's devastating. My friend who has also been married a long time told me that I don't have to ALWAYS love him. I choose to stay committed and that's what counts. It helps me stay focused on my commitment and not my temporary feelings.
You are definitely not alone.

One thing which has helped me totally trust my wife, and believe without a shadow of a doubt that she loves me with all her heart is the knowledge that despite how difficult it has been to be with someone who suffers from OCD, she is still with me. I will never cease to love her for that.

Our every obsessions and compulsions cause us a great deal of anxiety, doubt, loss of trust (the ability to make yourself vulnerable to someone without the fear of being hurt), loss of purpose, loss of safety and security and finally an overwhelming sense of worthlessness. This is something that we deal with everyday, hour & every minute. Obsession = Compulsion; Obsession = Compulsion = hurting someone; Obsession = "annoying" = Compulsion, etc....

Can you imagine what sharing your obsessions with someone who does not understand that your thoughts are unwanted ones, intrusive ones and/or the privacy of your thoughts is being invaded without ceasing would do to that person? It would be hard because there is no explaining it. It is foreign to them.

Although, as part of our treatment, our loved ones should know certain things, in order to NOT enable us to act on our compulsions, there are things which are okay to share only with our psychiatrists an our psychologist. Otherwise, we may end up feeding the very obsessions we are suffering from. Noones fault, but our brains function that way because it is a chemical problem. Be encouraged "Kuno78" you are not alone and neither is your spouse.

One more thought, I think what "used2bme" is trying to say, sometimes it is difficult to EXPRESS love, but our commitment helps us to continue loving that person on the inside.... Ooooh do I know how that feels, but here I am after 25 yrs, still married and OCD symptoms were getting worst every year of our marriage.

So, don't lose hope and neither should your loved ones. Allow the light to glimmer brightly now and then during the hard times..

God Love You All, with understanding and care

Victor :)

Thank you everyone who replied. You have helped tremendously!

I've been there before, it goes away...talk to your therapist if you can...i never have but i know it goes away...because ive gone through it. but ive felt shamed and fearful when its happened to me. at least maybe you'll feel not so bad if you know you're not alone...

I have no advice but I can tell you that I share similar obsessions. There are moments when I am sure that my husband would do so much better without me, and I think that I need to "release him". There are other moments when I feel like he is a stranger to me and I wonder why we are even together.

Mind you, this is all in my head! He is rock steady. It is just my mind playing awful tricks on me.

When I come across these obsessions I relax and try to meditate. These thoughts will pass. I don't force them out and I don't force others in, but I let them come and go without judgment. I am finding that the thoughts pass more quickly as I practice this approach.

Be well.

To StillUnwritten:

Just wanted to share with you that I have been married just under 25 yrs. I have had OCD symptoms since I was 13. I was only diagnosed just over 18 months ago. I think often of all the years of hardship because of this relentless disorder.

There is something for which I have no doubt. My wife Shannon truly does love me. You just couldn't stay with a person like me unless you did. I lost loads of friends, coworkers and jobs because of this. But, my wife stayed with me and we will endure forever. Of course, this has made me love her even more.

I hope this encourages you, not easy to you or me and certainly not easy for our partners. Lets give them the credit for oving us evn they weren't sure we loved them.

Take Care,

Victor

I constantly fight off these unwanted demons, I am very happy, very secure in my relationship with my fiancee, best thing that has happened to me. I feel like I am being unfair, doing him an injustice by thinking these thoughts: (not loving him as much as I could, the thought of the grass being greener, cheating on him, finding him sickening.)
I am looking at him sleeping on the bed while I write this and it breaks my heart typing these words, I know these thoughts are part of my OCD.
Foolish me quit taking the medications prescribed, and everything has gone haywire ever since- put myself back on them, first time in six months and I am feeling a bit optimistic.
However, why should I have to deal with these demons, they almost seem real and I want to push them out of my brain, because they are destructive and selfish and I on't understand why anyone in their right heads would want to sweep something so good to the curve like this love.

Tired and emotionally exhausted as I write this- thank you for reading this.

to arvario, remember these are not your real thoughts. I had horrile thoughts and they about drove me nuts. Just remember that is not the way you really feel about your fiance. Maybe you need to try new meds.I take cymbalta and it works good for me. good luck to you
bettiejomax

I know precisely how you feel. This is a reoccurring obsession of mine.

You have to make yourself believe that he loves you just as you are, even when dealing with your OCD is painful. You should not feel guilty about your obsessions, because you cannot control them, and have to trust that your husband understands you, perhaps better than you do, because he's not surrounded by the noise in your head.

Mind, I'm just talking from my experience.

Sometimes, it's like a test... even though you don't mean it to be. "If he sees the ugly, he'll understand, and I won't feel so alone. If he stays, he loves me. But, oh, he's still here, so he must love me. Why do I feel so desperate and alone? I must not really love him. But, deep down I do. Is this selfish love? I'm so terrible. But, this is the only way for us to get closer. For him to actually know me and understand this disease, that this isn't me..." And so on.

What helps me is believing that he understands and that my thoughts are not my own and that they are wrong. It's hard, because they are persistent, but you are just giving them power by wondering whether or not they are true. Ask yourself if you want to stay with your husband. Honestly and truly. It's hard, because of those OCD thoughts, but you know what you've got, right? Focus on that.

Now, you know the best way to keep him and to make him happier with your company is to get back to yourself. This is not you, deep down you have to know it. This is the OCD. Now, what are you willing to suffer through?

I am currently trying to readjust my thinking. I am employing mindfulness, starting to go to a psychologist, and trying to be positive about the steps I am taking on my own. Your husband loves you no matter what, and worrying about hurting him won't help. It'll only increase the pain.

I am meditating as well. In the morning and everning, for fifteen to twenty minutes, I am breathing in for five seconds, holding it for three, and releasing it for seven... just focus on the numbers and breathing. The bad thoughts will come. Let them, but not for long. When they come, just refocus on the numbers and breathing. This is what is going to help you. Just focusing on these small things... not worrying about if you're doing it correctly or going to fail. Your fight is not against the bad thoughts, but accepting them as okay, something that is separate of you, not giving them power.

It's hard. So hard. But, you can do this. You really can. Just ask yourself what you want, if it's worth doing what it takes... and be very patient and positive about the small steps you're taking. They're out of love.

As for my significant other, I tell him about things, but when I feel that spiraling fear, I stop, and try to be mindful. I don't worry about whether or not to say anything. I take a moment to accept them and be positive about myself. I wait until I am a bit more centered. I try to focus on something else, focus on what he's doing, other beautiful things around me. I still tell him everything, but I do so more briefly, because I'm trying to believe he knows by now what this is like and loves me.

Good luck and many apologies if our situations are different! Just taking a guess.

Peace.