You aren't alone. I have had O CD since I was a teenager. Therapy plus
Paxil helped me. But therapy takes time. I don't know how normal
people think. I was never normal. Have had Social Anxiety Disorder, and GAD since I was a child. I think O CD came along when I was 12. It is miserable. But
you can get better.

Thank You for your reply,Tired....

i'm so sorry for all you have suffered with while being so young.

(((( hugs )))

Mine is more of a "umm you know you that you can die at like any moment right?" Or " what if my heart stops....this isn't right!! " My inner dialogue is sooo negative! I can't get past my fears and usually have no break from my feelings of unpleasantness. I was never that way, only developed 2 years ago. I was on cymbalta 60mg which seemed to triggers these thoughts. Now I'm on pristiq and it helps a bit. I hope this all made sense! Xoxoxo hugs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRw1-kG04h8&index=14&list=LLb_xvo-xAd6kCF_IYMf9RUA&t=1714s


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo0iWh53Pjs&t=14s


Please see these 2 youtube videos. One is about the drugs and the other is about the microwave energy and voices.

Thank You for your reply,summerbabe....

i'm so sorry you are suffering so much from this.

i really have no break from my thoughts either....

interesting the cymbalta made things worse for you,for me,it hasn't made anything worse,but it certainly isn't helping either.

i so hope you soon find relief from your negative thoughts soon...

Hugs.

I have had OCD basically all my life, it is a part of me. I first became aware of overt symptoms at about age 16. It is so fully ingrained in my psyche that it will never be gone. It manifests mostly by counting (everything has to be either 6 or 8 -who knows why?), by "making things come out even" - if I do one thing I shouldn't (like walk down the wrong aisle in a store), I have to walk down another wrong aisle to "correct" the mistake and erase the obsession with that particular compulsion - I get constant puzzling looks from people when I stare at an inanimate object for a certain length of time to complete the respective thought or counting ritual that I have assigned to the action-I try very hard to rationalize this away but the nagging thought that if I don't do these things something bad will happen and even though I know in an empirical sense this is illogical, the compulsion always seems to win out and I have to complete it. Needless to say, I am alone a lot, when I am with people the "normal act" I try to put on gets too emotionally draining to continue with for very long. I was married for 16 years to someone who had a Masters in psychology and used every opportunity to belittle me and dismiss me as a "textbook" case. In school (middle school/high school/college) I was a loner with the label "weird" plastered symbolically across my forehead. By college my peers had reached a level of maturity to keep their opinions to themselves and bullying went mercifully from overt to internalized on their part, although I never missed subdued facial expressions, rolled eyes and subtle smiles meant to be kept hidden from me but which I never failed to notice. As of now, I don't really care, it has been with me for so long it is like an old friend, my right arm, a large percentage of my day-to-day reasoning. No pill or counseling is going to "cure" it, not at this stage of life. I was always the black sheep of the family, the freak who never had any friends and who my parents never knew what to do about. My brother was the worst offender by far, popular and outgoing, always making excuses for his eccentric sister-he was someone I looked up to and idolized, and due to his own issues-sibling rivalry when I was born; lack of self-esteem over an early abuse incident-made it his life-long mission to make me his personal punching bag-his relentless belittling, put-downs, criticisms, & insults all a calculated design to bolster his own sense of self-worth by chopping me off at the knees. I know I sound like a whiney little "poor-me" case, but this is honestly the first venue I have ever found in which I can candidly vent and verbalize things I have kept to myself, basically forever, and it feels even more liberating than I thought it would. A lot of reasons behind things you do don't become apparent until you get older and start to reveal themselves with amazing clarity. A fault I was always criticized for was being "stubborn"/"hard-headed"/"can't be told anything" - but in looking back I now realize that was my defense mechanism, my way of holding onto whatever sense of self I could salvage while the majority of which was being hacked away into tiny pieces. As I got into my mid-teens I discovered a new way of regaining lost self-esteem-I was quite cute (way) back then and I discovered a hidden talent-sex-which became my sole source of pride-I reveled in being told by guys I was "the best they'd ever had", "you're so good at that", - MUCH needed praise and left me with a perpetual glow. Although, as I discovered, that's where it ended-being someone's "girlfriend"/"love"/"serious partner", didn't come with the territory-as soon as we left the bedroom/back seat/friend's couch/whatever, the respect and admiration went out the window-a hard lesson to learn. After screwing up in high school-cutting classes to avoid the bullying directed at my "bizarre" OCD behavior, rebelling by never doing the work, pulling down D's and F's, - I decided to go to junior college when I was 26 (to prove to everyone who had dismissed me as a "dumb failure" in my teens) that I was in fact intelligent. I got my A.A. with a 3.86 GPA and got a scholarship to go to U.C. Berkeley - went there in my Junior and Senior years and graduated with honors. But afterwards the old pattern kicked back in-I went back into office/secretarial work, because, looking back, I really didn't feel I could be successful at anything more prestigious. I am now living in a studio apt. on Social Security and, with the exception of two friends whom I talk with maybe once a month, but haven't seen for over 10 years, and my brother, with whom I have an obligatory phone conversation maybe once every 2 months, I am for all intents and purposes isolated and a loner - a lot of which is my own choice just because it's easier that way. I could on forever about the insidious effects my OCD has had on my life, along with depression and anxiety, they are endless, but I think I've said plenty for now. As I mentioned before, I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, but I just needed after such a long time to vent, and to find out if anyone reading can maybe relate to anything I've said. It would be nice to hear a comment or two from someone who might have had some similar experiences/symptoms/ manifestations, whatever. It would be nice to know at least some parts of my experience is not exclusive to only me and maybe there is someone out there to whom I can relate. Thank you for listening and hopefully responding.

Oh,i am so sorry you have suffered from this so so intensely and for such a long time-

i do not count,but in stores i'll say,stare at a row of toothpastes,trying to pick the one that *feels right*...sometimes it takes a really long time.

Oh i dunno-i suppose that now my medication is making a bit of a difference,but i still have to do certain compulsions out of fear something bad will happen if i don't do them-

i often wonder if they will ever completly go away-if one dissiaptes another comes in to replace it-

i often wish i could see a PET scan of my brain just to see where my brain is lighting up-not that it would make any difference,i am just curious-

i am a loner as well.i have two friends.and they both live in the city i used to live in-and it is 6 hours away.

many of my compulsions make it hard for me to go outside-

i do my best to hide them but,i worry that i look like some kind of a freak-

i don't know if i have made any sense here,i so wish you could find a therapist as brilliant as mine-because he really does help.

i am so glad you reached out here.

i urge you to try and use the journal feature here,you can set it to just friends,or just to yourself-it helps to get things out.

You have all my empathy.