I'll summarize first - She has to want to get better.

I have had anxiety disorder and OCD for over 25 years. I have tried many medications to help calm my OCD. My psychiatrist says there are at least 3 that work the best for OCD. Zoloft, Luvox... and I forget the third one now.

I also read about 20 books about how to get over OCD. I have to constantly, almost daily, push myself to push past my OCD.

My point is... I wanted to get better. I wanted to stop the OCD. No one could have pushed me into it, or forced me to get help. That wouldn't have worked. I had to want it, and I have had to work really, really hard at calming my OCD.

I am familiar with your other posts. Do you think maybe she doesn't want to get better? As odd as that sounds, some people wallow in their illness or depression, anxiety, etc..... I had a therapist ask me "So, what are you benefitting from having anxiety?" I thought she was crazy for asking me such a thing!! But, I've also read this in books... that the person who is refusing help or not *really* doing the help given, is benefitting themselves in some way (extra attention, no one expects me to do anything, etc).

Maybe if you can get to the root of her anxiety, then that could help her, and help you, too. I know all of this isn't easy for you, or easy to understand. You are doing your best.

Thanks as always for your help. No, I'm not aware of any desire not to get help or to wallow in her situation. She had cancer previously but was impressively self-reliant and did not desire sympathy. Likewise at her work, she's a "I'll do more job and don't need a lot of compliments". She dealt with a wide variety of people and got uniformly good reviews and would have been a candidate for least likely to have mental illness.

We were happy in our old home, decided to move near the beach and there were many problems. She blames herself for many decisions. Without being sexist, you've seen the women who blame their husbands for bad decisions, so Jack lost 140,000 in the stock market, I told him not to trust his frat brother Lou but no one listens, as she tells the story for the 900th time. The difference here is that her anger is directed at herself, she's apparently a perfectionist, and profoundly disappointed at many decisions she made. Worse, she has a hard time opening up in therapy and has not seemed to benefit from anti-depressants.

The latest diagnosis was OCD based upon her preoccupation with certain things.

But no, I think she would love to get better.

Hi Bobby! You sound like a loving husband. I have OCD and am very reliant on medication. No meds or wrong meds equals nervous breakdown. I have horror stories about being put on the wrong meds. Zoloft works best for me along with a mood stabilizer and anti-anxiety medication. I am sorry that your wife is suffering and not benefitting from medication or therapy. I don't know the exact date but when I was 19, and dating my first boyfriend, my insecurity made me scared that my boyfriend didn't like me one night and the next morning when I saw him at work, he looked ugly and all of my love for him went out the window. I felt totally crazy. It's a long story and I'm leaving details out but I broke up with him and obsessed about the situation. I saw my first therapist. I fought those feelings like mad. I punished myself. We got back together and were on and off for a few years. But OCD had hit me hard. I had myself thinking all kinds of things were wrong with me. So I'm 63 now. I discovered a doctor through Dr. Phil who is unbelievable. He is so knowledgeable. His name is Daniel Amen. There is a 2 hour interview with Tom Ferry and Dr. Amen that was so interesting that I watched it twice on YouTube. Then I started following him on Facebook. He addresses OCD at one point. You should check him out. Also, he has a website and a free brain assessment. One last thing. I actually did beat OCD when I was around 15. If I didn't do my rituals, such as touching things in a certain manner, the boy I liked would die in my mind. One day, I had had it and I said "Fuck it. Let him die". It totally ended my obsessing at that time. I have never gotten to that point again although I'm working on it. I've become very tolerant. Girl, I hope you read this too. Bobby, good luck.

Yesterday, my wife had an appt with her gyno, her sister said this was critical.
I was extremely busy, but carved out time, telling her we would leave at 1:45 for a 4:00 appt. At 1:50, I asked if she was ready, still in her nightgown and said she decided not to go. WTF? Upset I asked don't you want to get well, and I cannot spend 2-3 hours nagging and checking about appts, and why did you tell me you would go and then cancel. She then slowly and reluctantly got together, I called the gyno office to ask them to wait and then it became obvious we would be very late and had to cancel.

Today we have 2 appts, a blood test for thyroid levels, and a book club for her friends. I periodically talk to her friends who all love and want to see her, and when my wife became depressed she stopped communicating with them.
She quickly smiles and lights up when with her friends, she is a social person, but stresses and paces alone. Now how to I get her to both without experiencing massive stress myself. I suspect I will get a "let me think about it" or "I'll try" which brings my stress level to a 10 when we are scheduled to leave and she has not gotten dressed but is still thinking.

Finally, any suggestions about how to get her to schedule hair, nail appts, again something that will reflect tangible progress and make her happy.

She was normal, well-functioning, candidate for least likely to have mental illness, happy, smiling, had nice self-image, enjoyed people, until recently.

She told me last night she wants to get the old Jenny back, so do I but we don't know how to do it. I told her, I share that hope but right now, Anxiety Jenny is running everything and you have to take control if you want your life back.

She was normal, well-functioning, candidate for least likely to have mental illness, happy, smiling, had nice self-image, enjoyed people, until recently.

She told me last night she wants to get the old Jenny back, so do I but we don't know how to do it. I told her, I share that hope but right now, Anxiety Jenny is running everything and you have to take control if you want your life back.

One thing that is weird. All the books say anti-depressants impact your sex-drive. Indeed one therapist said that, and we said fine, the many thing is getting well, but there's basically no change with that, but no benefit from the various drugs either.