Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
Hi. I'm Kylie and I'm 13 years old. I struggle with OCD, anxiety and depression, and it takes over my life. I was bullied in elementary school and had some fights with friends at school. Once the summer came around, they all kind of left. I had no one to talk to but my parents, and at first I was scared to do so. I felt lonely and had way too much time to think. I ended up spending a year and a half confessing things I had done. These events ranged from when I was in kindergarden to present time and it got way out of hand. It's almost like I got addicted to confessing, or the reassurance it gave me when they accepted me as their daughter still. I felt bad lying to my parents and still to this day, they know every little thing that I have done wrong. In the past month or so, I have had thoughts about harming them or myself. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY PARENTS! I was so confused and scared when I started having those random thoughts, and I convinced myself that I was a terrible person. I started comparing myself to a "murderer" when I had no control over the thoughts I had. It's almost like I purposely torture myself with the same thing over and over. Almost like I just want my parents to admit that I'm a bad person instead of making me feel better. I had a large panic attack that day, where I didn't want to live anymore. I told my parents and they helped calm me down. If I didn't tell them that, I probably wouldn't be here. I have been to two different phsycologists in the past three years. The first tried giving me book suggestions to read and learn about what I have. It obviously didn't work, but I did learn then that I had anxiety. I felt better for a while so I left that therapist. After a while, the issues started coming back. I learned more after that and it started controlling my life, making me awfully depressed and I started losing emotion in some ways. I saw a post on the internet of "signs of depression" and I have all of them. I went to a new doctor about this and he never did diagnose me, just went along with it. I don't know if I have the worst depression out there, but it still hurts. I am taking two medicines right now, an anti-stress medication and an anti-depressant. I try my best to overcome it everyday, and the doctor and medicine has helped a lot. But I still seem to be stuck. Can I ever be happy? My parents have given me a great life and I have no reason to feel this way. I feel ashamed of it sometimes, and I feel like my parents should too. I don't know why. I fear death and the death of my loved ones every day of my life, it bothers me and makes me incredibly depressed to think about. I want to be able to say goodbye to my parents, I want them to love me and never feel bad because of me. I don't want them to think they failed as parents because of something they didn't do. My mom thinks it was her fault because she did things for me instead of letting me do things for myself. My dad works a lot and I feel like I have a better connection with my mom because I hang out with her more. I say I love them the same but I sometimes feel like I'm lying because of that thought. But I'm not. I feel bad about it anyway. It's almost like I am addicted to being trapped inside my own head. Anyone have suggestions on what I should do? Or anyone relate? I would love to talk to someone about it. Thank you so much for reading. Just getting this out there to people that are in a similar situation makes me feel so much better. Thanks. -K
Firstly, I just have to say that wow, I am blown away by the fact you are only 13! The way you write is so eloquent and mature and you have so much insight into your thoughts and feelings. I think that is amazing and is very special.
I feel like I have so many things I want to say to you, but I am not sure where to even start. I guess I felt especially drawn to you because I relate so much with pretty much everything you wrote...the need to confess, feeling guilty for, what others would see, as little mistakes, the harm thoughts and feeling like a terrible person, and the resulting depression. I relate so much to all of it.
You may know this through some of the reading you have done already, so forgive me if I'm being repetitive, but what all of what you are experiencing is so common with OCD. Like you, I felt so afraid when I first started having these thoughts. I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt like a horrible person. And then I started reading and I saw how common these thoughts are. And not only that, but everyone has these thoughts. My sister, for example, does not have OCD, but says she occasionally gets random thoughts about hurting people, that she would never act on, but they pop into her head. My sister was talking to her coworkers about it one day, and guess what? They all said they get thoughts like that too. The difference is, they do not have OCD, so they do not dwell on those thoughts. They simply pass through the mind, like all the other millions, billions of thoughts that pass through our heads every day.
But for those of us with OCD, certain thoughts, as you know, become stuck in our heads and play over and over, like a broken record. We analyze them..."What does it mean that I just thought about hurting my mother? Could I really want to do it? Am I a terrible person?" The fact that we are overthinkers, analyzers, is actually a great gift. We think deeply about problems and are able to come up with creative solutions that others may not have thought of. But in terms of OCD, this same trait can cause a lot of distress when we try to analyze thoughts that are otherwise meaningless, harmless. The only harm they are causing is the distress we feel when we give them meaning and power.
And, I just want to say, in case you haven't read this already, that through research I've done, it seems like the good majority of those with OCD, especially the type you and I have, are anything but "terrible people". People afflicted with OCD having to do with morality and harm and such are typically highly caring, harm-avoidant people with deep consciences and who always want to do the "right" thing. So having these thoughts does not make me doubt that you love your parents greatly and it does not make me think you are a terrible person. If anything, I know all too well how OCD attacks what we love and cherish the most, what is most important to us. In your case, it sounds like your family, being loved by your family, and doing the "right" thing (and I put that in quotes because there is no ultimate right/wrong) are all important to you. Which is why your OCD has attacked them.
The Dr. you are seeing now...is he a counselor? I would highly suggest trying therapy again. For OCD, Exposure and Response Prevention is usually the recommended therapy, though I have personally found talk therapy with a therapist who is familiar with OCD has been so beneficial for me. It sounds like you may also have some other things to work on, like beliefs that you are not worthy, shame, guilt, feeling responsible for your parents etc that could really be helped by working with a therapist with whom you feel comfortable.
It also helps to stay busy. You are so insightful when you say you realize how not being busy/having too much time on your hands invites the anxiety and depression to creep in. Try as hard as you can to stay busy. Is there a club at school you could join to meet people with similar interests? What hobbies do you have, what do you like to do for fun? I also encourage you to keep being open with your parents about how you are feeling. It's so difficult to be open about our feelings, but when we hide them out of fear of being judged, it only makes us feel worse.
In response to your question "Can I ever be happy?"...Yes, you can, and you will, be happy. I know you feel stuck now, that these thoughts are causing you so much distress and it's hard to see a way out of them. But I promise you, it does get better. You are a wonderful person with so many exciting things ahead of you in life, and you deserve to be happy.
Feel free to reply or message me on here anytime. I am here often and I want to support you in any way I can. I believe in you!