Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
Hello, I am engaged and have been with my fiance for 6 years. NEVER would cheat or want to, totally head over heels in my current relationship. Saw my ex for the first time the other day, and my fiance said I got weird about it-it was a bit uncomfortable. I've been obsessing over this since. Looked at his fb page for the first time in FOREVER, then felt guilty. Was driving near his house on my commute home & put a song on he liked and almost hoped he'd see me-not like i'd even actually care if he did or not. But I feel guilty and like i'm a weirdo for that. Then I started thinking back to the beginning of my current relationship and I did remember driving by a couple times hoping past people would see me and how happy I looked. So now I feel guilty for that as well. I know that there are no feelings for anyone other than my fiance, and haven't been. I don't know why I felt like I wanted this person in particular to see me (and since yesterday, I don't feel this way anymore). And I don't know what to do about the guilt i'm feeling, like I did something wrong. I feel like I need to confess these things to my fiance but I don't want to cause trust issues where there are none, I don't know that he would understand that these things mean nothing. But I feel like if I don't confess, i'm hiding something and don't know how to deal with that guilt. Has anyone dealt with guilt like this? Do you confess or try to deal? Did I really do anything wrong to feel this crappy about? I just want to cry.
It sounds like your OCD is causing you to feel immense guilt in your relationship, which is in turn, causing you great distress because you love your fianc to pieces. This is the bloody evil monster known as OCD. OCD tends to take what is most important to you in your life (in your case, your fianc), and cause you distress about it, whether it be through guilt, fear, doubt, or all of the above. In other words, OCD seems to know just what buttons to press to upset us.
When I read your post, I felt compelled to answer because I, too, have been dealing with a great deal of guilt as a result of some of my OCD thoughts. As a result, I have been doing a lot of researching online, looking at research articles and forum posts written by others with OCD. While I am by no means an expert in OCD, from what I do know, I can assure you that we are not alone. In fact, I have read about so many other people with situations similar to yours, about people who are madly in love with their significant others, but who's OCD causes them to doubt their love for their significant other, even though, deep down, they know they are 110% committed. This is why OCD is known as the "doubting disease." It causes us to question ourselves in different ways, depending on the situation (Did I really turn off the stove? Are my hands really clean enough? Am I an evil person for having that thought?) In your case, it is making you wonder, "Do I really love my fianc?"
The answer to this question is yes, of course you do. You know that, and it is even evident to me just from reading this post. But see, OCD makes us question ourselves as people (my current obsession is making me question my morality also, just in a slightly different way). And OCD actually, like I mentioned before, often attacks what is most important to us (Google the term "ego dystonic"). Because you are so committed in your relationship, and your fianc is someone who's so important to you, that is what your OCD is centered upon.
Also, as an interesting side note, I have read studies that have found that individuals with OCD have increased brain activity in an area of the brain called the precuneus. This is the area of the brain responsible for feelings of guilt. Psychopaths, or individuals who lack a conscience, have smaller than normal precuneuses. Just thought this was interesting, and perhaps reassuring to know that those suffering with OCD commonly experience guilt.
It also might be reassuring to know that we don't control what thoughts come into our minds. In fact, we can't. Everyone, those with OCD and without OCD alike, experience all kinds of thoughts, all the time. The only difference is that those of us with OCD tend to fixate on certain thoughts. You had certain thoughts pop into your mind about hoping your ex would see you and such. Most people would just shrug it off, but because you have OCD, you started to worry and obsess about it. Also, you did nothing wrong by looking at your ex's FB page. I do things like that all the time. Human beings are curious. You were just curious, that's all. It doesn't mean you aren't committed to your fiance.
However, while I don't want to dismiss your feelings of guilt, because I know they are very real to you, I want to assure you that you have no reason to feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong, and it is obvious you are very much committed in your relationship. Your feeling the need to confess is only a compulsion, an act that you hope will lessen the intensity of your guilty feelings. However, you have absolutely no reason to confess, because you have done absolutely nothing wrong. This is simply your OCD causing you to feel guilt, nothing more. I know it's so hard, and feelings of guilt can be so overwhelming, but you just have to keep reminding yourself that you've done nothing wrong, that you don't need to confess, and that this is just your OCD. You know what your true values are.
Have you read any books on OCD? I just started this book called "Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" by Jonathan Grayson, and it is excellent. I would recommend reading up as much as you can on OCD. Also, have you ever been to therapy? You can search for therapists in your are who specialize in OCD (The International OCD Foundation page has a great resource where you can find local support groups and therapists for OCD. Here's the link- https://iocdf.org/find-help/
I hope I didn't ramble on too much, it's just that I really feel for you and what you are going through. OCD can be difficult to deal with, but it is 100% possible to conquer. And I believe you will. Don't give up hope and know that you are not your OCD.
Please let me know how I can support you or if there's anything I can do. Best wishes.
I absolutely agree with Wildflowers that OCD feeds on our emotions and makes us feel guilt even when we don't need to.
You didn't do anything wrong by driving past his house. Now, I had an ex who text his ex while we were out for an evening meal!! Now that's bad. Did he feel guilty? Probably not. Your inner brain was just thinking about him because you were driving past where he lives. By the sounds of it, you didn't drive there intentionally and stake out waiting for him to come home ;) or drive past intentionally looking for him everyday. Fear not. Your OCD is just making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, your ex popped into your mind because you were near where he lives. And OCD being OCD, it goes into overdrive and makes you think or feel something that perhaps doesn't exist, or isn't even nearly as bad as OCD brain is telling us it is. It doesn't seem like you have feelings for this person. Like you said, your subconscious wanted him to see you happy. This speaks volumes, you are not thinking about this guy the way your OCD is telling you you do.
I've thought about exes while I'm with someone before, even if I think the person is totally amazing. I'm not cheating, or even thinking of it. I even know the ex doesn't compare to the current person. And when an ex does pop into my head, I remind myself of that.. That they don't compare to the now boyfriend. It seems like you feel the same way :)
It's interesting what Wildflowers said about people with OCD having higher levels of precuneus in the brain, thats why people cheat and feel nothing. Yet, we feel guilty for even thinking about crossing paths with an ex.
I read a while ago it's perfectly normal for girls to look at ex'es fb pages. So many if them do it. It doesn't mean they are thinking of them romantically, it's just wondering what they are up to now. After all, we don't have to hate all our ex'es do we.
You absolutely don't need to confess, after all, you didn't cheat, or even think about cheating. Sounds like you are happy with your man and not thinking about anything you have to be guiltry for.
Hope you're okay now x x
I'm trying to keep in mind that i'm having the OCD regarding him because of how much I love him and because of how important he is to me. It is still shifting, however. The most recent (I copied this from a post I just made before getting to see your responses):
One of my huge problems is in the past (not as distant as i'd like to admit), me and my fiance used to drink socially, probably heavier than necessary (I think some self medicating on my end)...anyway, there are some nights that I ended up not remembering the end of the night.
I pull up these times and the thought that pops into my head is "what if you cheated/kissed somebody and don't remember it?" I mean it has come up with anyone, a friend of his, a random person, even his sister. Then, I can't let these thoughts go. I feel like I need to prove to myself with analyzing everything why I didn't do anything, but at the same time, my brain comes up with a MILLION reasons why I COULD HAVE done something wrong (ex. if I was sitting close to someone, comforting someone, etc). The only way i'm finding the ability to let the guilt from all of these thoughts go is to confess to him that I feel like I MAY have done something and gotten away with it, that way I know I'm being honest with any doubts that I can't get out of my head.
We're getting married in a few months, and I think that some of this confessing stuff is re-emerging because somewhere in my head I want to know that every chance I may have done something is wrong before he's married to me. I fight with myself because I try to resist the confessing, I worry that it is pushing us apart and making me look like an unfaithful person when I may not be (see, I can't bring myself to say i'm NOT guilty because of the what if's that come up).
It's just really hard dealing with the what-if scenarios when i'm in the middle of it and can consume entire days at a time. :(
I'm going to look at the The International OCD Foundation website that you recommended, Wildflowers, and set up an appointment with a therapist today. Thank you both again so so much for your advice, it really is more helpful than you know.