I know this is kind of long but hopefully you can bare with me. I was diagnosed about a year 1/2 ago. I have had OCD since before I even started school. (I am 37 now) Honestly I always thought everyone was like me and had no idea I was different. I learnt how to adapt to the physical stuff. I would and still do make compromises with myself. For example today I will allow myself to do things in all even numbers but I when I turn the water off in the sink I will only do it once and not over and over until it feels right. I met a guy when I was 15 who like in all my relationships before him it did not take long before it did not feel right and I left. :) However with this one he ignored me and would just call back the next day like nothing happened. The fact that I had to hug him when he left 4 times never bothered him or any of my other odd habits and he never once told me I was different he just took it as all part of me. Years later we married and I was very happy. Unfortunately 6 years ago when he was 36 he passed away. It took me awhile before I started to date again and when I did I would simply just not stay long with someone. Not for any reason just because. Then I got in a long distance relationship. He was the first person that ever said you know what you do is not really normal. At first I thought he was just being mean because we were fighting a lot. I started looking into what he said and wondering if maybe he was right. Went to a doctor and darned if he wasn't right. In theory I was not "normal". They put me on medicine which made me miserable (I am free of them now). I ended up staying with him almost 2 years and I was very unhappy. Problem with that relationship is I believed I should not leave and all the problems where my fault from this OCD thing I found out I had. Finally a friend nicely told me that the guy I was dating was a jerk. I realized that he was right and that I had managed all these years happy just because someone told me I was different did not mean anything was wrong with me and all the problems was not my fault.
Now here is my new issue. After I was free from him for about 4 months and finally feeling like my old happy self I met someone new. I am sitting here right now like I did yesterday and the day before thinking I should leave him because I cant help but think I am not good enough for him. Or one day its because it doesn't feel right, or another day it was he did not call exactly when I thought he should so he must not love me. To be honest the guy is incredible. Yet it takes everything in me not to leave him. Not because anything he has done not because I do not love him. I spend all day thinking about it. On one hand I cannot understand why the heck he loves me or would want to be with me. He is intelligent and holds an actual job. Not that there is anything wrong with working at krogers,etc.. but I have never dated anyone before besides my husband who actually had what you would call a career and who is respected in what he does. On top of that job he plays in a local band and they are working on a CD. So basically what I am saying is he has got his stuff together. Me on the other hand I do not work(when I was married I never had to and for a few more years I have money form my husbands death), I have no training, I tend to be a free spirit with no major need to work besides what I need to survive. I have found that stress makes all my crazy stuff get worse so I learnt to just cut as much out.. I suspect the reason he likes me so much is he does have a bad history. In his younger days he was addicted to heroin (he has had one relapse in 8 years) and I am exactly the opposite. I don't smoke, when I grew up we had family board game nights, movie nights, my dad always kept me very sheltered. Nothing earth shattering bad really had ever happened to me. Then when I met my husband he basically protected me and I have always lived in what I call my happy bubble. At least until he passed away. But anyway I tend to give way to much information sorry. My point is though is I am opposite to most girls he had been with in the past. He treats me amazing. I could ask for anything and he would do it(not that I would take advantage of it I feel guilty enough he pays for everything),when there is a storm he comes over without me asking because he knows when the wind is bad I get nervous, I could go on and on honestly about how good he is to me. I have explained to him about the OCD and it doesn't bother him. I need to figure out how to overcome this urge to constantly walk away. Its putting stress on me feeling this way. I think I would me unhappy if I left because I really do love him but if I keep staying I am making myself miserable from all these thoughts. Medicine is not an option for me I hate the drugged feeling. So has anyone else successfully dealt with this. If anyone know of any books to read or help sites that might help me I would love the insight. Physical OCD problems I can handle its as easy as making myself walk away however you cant walk away from your mind.