This is a great idea, and as has been said, a painful thing to look at. Right off the top, I read about avoiding men and not becoming promiscuous...well, boy does that resonate! My oldest sister (she passed away 5 yrs. ago) had been picked on for her size in school. Looking back, she was 5'9", large boned, curvacious...really beautiful physically, but just not what society dictates women should look like. Self-esteem issues, eventual wgt gain. In her early 30's, she lost a lot, and actually did go out and have several affairs. I was kind of horrified, bc I just do not believe in extramarital relations unless it's an open marriage situation...which still isn't my cup of tea, but to each their own.

Okay, so I think about that one a lot.

Some others, include:

I have this deep sense of deprivation when I think about eating 'healthy'...like somehow I need these forbidden foods to feel like I'm loving myself. (Yes, I see how messed up that is and am working on it).

The familiar, with all its warts, is so comfortable, not scary at all. In many ways I admit to being fear-driven.

Right behind that, I let that thought of being fear-driven work as an excuse: No one can expect great things of me because I'm too afraid/anxious/overwhelmed..I am hiding behind it.

Depression? It has been in the back of my mind for years that I just would like to give up on living...and with that is the acknowledgment that obesity will shorten the number of years I have to be here.

I said that last one to someone I love very much...she said it was incredibly selfish. You know what? It is.

Well that was indeed tough, kind of brutal, but definitely important to get out in the open.

Wow, Niffer. everything you said is true for me too. The promiscuity one, I've already mentioned. The deprivation is SO familiar to me. It is really hard to change your attitude to recognize that by eating healthy and denying myself food when i'm not hungry is really loving myself. I have to tell myself everyday that I deserve to be healthy, I do not need this or that food. And the staying with the comfortable, I think we all recognize that one.

My fat is my armor. I use it to keep myself away from the mainstream. Because I've had it my entire life, I don't know what it would be like otherwise. I'm not going to pretend that I'll ever reach what is considered my "ideal weight" because I've never been that weight. Because I know this, I keep my armor in tact and try to live outside the grid.

If we're being totally honest here, well, that's how I feel. It may change tomorrow, but for now, in this discussion thread, this is me.

What I wonder about myself is this, I am working on my self esteem and learning to love myself and I know by eating right I would be loving myself even more. How do I make the transition from being comfortable and having the habit of eating bad to eating good and feeling good about it, without feeling like I will fail, or I wont be able to keep it up. Like I may go one week eating good then I will go the next not. Can I ever get over the bad habit of eating bad, before my body falls apart even more? Also can I really go more than a couple of days without eating sugar? Will I ever be able to accomplish this (what appears to be insurmountable task)? I know by posting the prior list of the payoffs it has already helped tremendously, cause I keep asking myself is it worth all of this for enlarged fat cells? But logically thinking about it and emotionally thinking about it are two different things.. Does this make any sense to someone?

Wow. The more comments I read, the more I see that most of us are going through the same things. Struggle, I know exactly how you feel. I have been in that place so many times, my whole life really, where you can do good for a week, maybe even a month then something will happen and you just throw in the towel. Then other times I can't even get the motivation to start. What worked for me this time was a conversation with my psychiatrist when she told me that I eat to push down my feelings and for comfort, but feeling discomfort and feeling feelings is part of being human. So I just started telling myself yeah, you want to eat, so what. you don't need food deal with it. Any other time it might not have worked for me, but it did this time. (and honestly I can't say it will permamently change my attitude. I've only been doing this for 2 weeks, but I'm working hard to keep it going). As far as going without sugar, I'm not there yet. The best I can do right now is to cut down. I do know that if you drink more water and start eating healthier it calms the sugar cravings a bit.
And, yes you are right that logically thinking about something and actually emotionally claiming it as part of your lifestyle are two very different things. I think sometimes you jusst have to fight it. Easier said than done, I know. Hope this makes sense to someone.

I'm with you all, so much is resonating for me. About internalizing, or emotionally accepting, this concept of loving ourselves with healthful habits, that is I think not going to feel natural at all for a good while. A man I admired once told me, "fake it 'til you make it". Sounds over-simplified, and even a bit insensitive, or at least it did to me when he said it, but maybe it applies to some degree here. So I'll give it a go; having a healthy meal, and consciously telling myself I am worth this healthy meal...not sure what all I'll say, but maybe it'll begin to sink in there?

Missina, I use the same 4 reasons you do, and then some.

Niffer, It might help if you take what I call a selfish attitude. I tell myself, It's MY turn now. After years of taking care of others I'm going to take care of myself, and I try to do it in all aspects of my life. I make sure I take my meds, I make sure I exercise, I make sure I'm groomed, I make sure my house is clean (to the extent I am able to do so without making myself crazy over it) and I make sure I have a little fun. That way the food and exercise are just part of a new lifestyle and not the entire focus. Take some time to do things that please y ou (for me it's writing and going back to school). Hope that helps some.

Yeah, I do not want to lose the weight either.
It is much easier to be fat than skinny.

Not sure why but I found this post extremely helpful. Just seeing other people admit these things make me feel less alone, and that's probably one of those most important things for healthy weight, etc.

Missina, thanks for the feedback and suggestions, I do think it's a matter of redefining how I care for myself. I like your ideas.

Actually thanks for posting this because I have known for quite sometime that it is a lot easier to avoid intimate relationships when I can hide behind my fat. I can convince myself that I am unlovable because of my size and therefore never have to try. If that makes sense. But I can also see the cost of this because what I want the most (a close relationship) is also one of my biggest fears. Oh the irony!