Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group

Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.

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bettybean 10/13/2012

Hi everyone,
I've been dealing with an avalanche of work and haven't been on much the
past few months. But I wanted to share what I've been realizing after months
of wading around the N pool. (Ndad/Nh and Nlaws).

I have accepted too many times that I'm sensitive and overreacting to behavior
that is completely unacceptable. N's are absolutely brilliant at getting me to
question myself so I will go along with their insanity.

While I'm busy questioning myself for being crazy, too sensitive, uncaring, etc.,
they take their "get out of jail free card" and lark off ready for another adveNture.
They're done!! If I spend time thinking about how bulls#$% their behavior is
and confront them, of course I get callousness and zero remorse. Why
should they make the effort!!?? They've already established that the whole
thing is either my fault or my overreaction to something normal.

They've performed a kind of magic trick on me.....black magic that is . They've
gotten me to accept what someone else would call them out on. I've been left
wondering how I can fix, do better, help, be nicer, be more supportive, yadda,
yadda, yadda while they're off lining up more N supply and having the absolute
time of their lives.

If it's not normal, it's not normal. If it's pathological, it's pathological. If it's hurtful,
it's hurtful. All their crazy making rewrites doesn't change a thing. My life is
worth so much more than the utter waste of the N drama.

snowy22315 10/13/2012

other than sharing my bed and spending my money this guy treated me like absolute crap at least 50 percent of the time. which is how he really felt about me I'm sure. I don't know why I am having a hard time getting over this....really I should be grateful he is gone...It just was nice to have the company I guess.

deleted_user 10/14/2012

Betty,

Glad to have you back; sorry for the reasons. Yes, confronting them is pretty much a waste of time and effort. I know my NH knows deep down that he has a serious problem. He will readily admit that he has an anger problem, but still balks at the idea of being a N. I know he really knows he is one, but he can't admit it because he is afraid of it. We just went through a rough couple of weeks that drained me emotionally and physically. If I were 10 years younger or if i was better prepared financially for the senior years . . . I am sure I would have walked out long ago. The Hell they put us through is often unbearable. Keep venting here, Betty. I know when things get bad, it is the only way I keep sane. Hugs. Courage.

bettybean 10/14/2012

Thank you Quepasa for the support, I wish the same for you. It is so
hard to live with a narcissist; people can't understand it unless they've
lived it. The sadness, weariness and isolation takes an enormous toll.

My Nh plays incessant mind games and is chronically contemptuous of
almost everything I say or do. If my son joins in he is rewarded with
a rare display of warmth. He seems so normal, kind I want to vomit
knowing that this only happens when my son has been rude or when
there's an audience. Their pathology is so disheartening and draining.

deleted_user 10/15/2012

Betty, you are so right . . . unless they have lived through it or at least witnessed someone they care about livinging through it . . . . noone could possibly understand all the nuances of living with a N. Courage, friend. One day at a time . . . .

dadda11o 10/15/2012

Betty, at least you are realizing it. I can't believe how many people find it easier to just accept the lies and cover stories. I actually got blasted by some of his relatives for being a manipulative, mean woman who somehow got him to "take me back", blah, blah, blah. That stuff hurts, at times, but today it finally hit me that really, I should be an inspiration and I am sure that is true of you and many others here!

The stuff we have to deal with, the very little we have to work with, and yet somehow we retain our ability to care, we manage to get through some really hard times ... we will possibly NEVER get the respect or whatever that we deserve, but sometimes, at least when we can see the truth for ourselves, it helps a little bit ... to keep believing and keep moving forward.

deleted_user 10/16/2012

Dadda,

You are so right. My true friends get it. Sorrowfully, the N and his family wish to see weirdness instead of the unique, kind, intellegent, loving, caring, insightful person that I am. It is their loss. I know that is true for all of us. We get painted with an unfair, unjust brush because we don't lay down and just let the Ns of this world demean and control us. Hugs.

bettybean 10/16/2012

N's are so insidious. I've been paying close attention and I've sadly
realized that 80-90% of his interactions have some kind of nasty agenda.
When he's "nice" it's usually a ploy to get sympathy/attention or he has
an audience.

Since I've normalized this treatment, both because of my family of origin
issues and because it happened slowly over the years,--going from
occasionally cold and sometimes loving, to almost always cold and
sometimes abusive, never loving, I underestimated how extremely
toxic this has been to my psyche.

Now, I believe every positive step I take in loving myself, no matter how
tiny, is the way out from this endless cycle of pain. In the end, I'm hoping
that the combination of all the little steps I'm taking will build a new life
away from toxic people. It's hard not to be hurt by the N's smear campaign
and his repaying kindness with cruelty, but at the end of the day it really
is his insanity--I don't have to carry it for him.

deleted_user 10/16/2012

Betty,
What a wonderful attitude. I try to mirror that myself. Sometimes I carried if off, other times I fail. You are inspirational. Thanks. Hugs.

bettybean 10/16/2012

Thank you, Quepasa, but did I mention that many days I still seem to forget all
about loving myself and the N gets right back under my skin? With all of the
usual messy angst ridden "fun" to be expected from rubbing elbows with a N.

I don't know if anyone has ever watched that silly cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.
There is an episode where this overachieving little sponge forgets how to tie his shoes
and keeps tripping himself and falling, with a resounding splat, right on his face.

His keeps shouting, "IIII'm ready!", then TRIP, SPLAT, aaannnd UP again. . ., "III'm ready!",
TRIP, SPLAT, aaannd UP again. And so on.

That's exactly how ALOT of my days have been going. As long as I keep getting back
up again. That's what counts.

deleted_user 10/18/2012

Thanks for the visual . . . I'll surely use that image to help me struggle onward as needed.

deleted_user 10/18/2012

Bettybean - The further I get away from my ex-N, the more pathetic he seems to me with all the gaslighting on putting all his lies he told and disrespect for me back on me as if I was nuts. For quite a while I even wondered if he was right, but now when I think of how he would go out of his way to take triple takes at some woman right in front of my face and then start yelling at me later on when I would bring it up, " I need someone who trusts me!!" I cringe and feel angry at the same time. It was SO obvious he had some sort of woman addiction and needed them to notice him as much as he noticed them and he cared nothing how I felt sitting across the table from him while all this went on. It was awful for me and then to get abused for it. I still, on some level, label myself as insecure. When he came back around to try to win me back, his apology really wasn't even an apology. It went something like this, " I didn't realize you had all these insecurities." No, I just wanted to be treated with respect. I didn't expect him not to notice anyone else, but just not leer and stare so long in front of my face and then abuse for not liking how it felt.

deleted_user 10/18/2012

There were also the parties where one of his fans would come up to talk and he'd stand there holding her hand as if I was not even in the room. And he told me it would not bother him at all if I did the same with a man. Well, the night he came over to break up with me the first time, we were watching a movie with Alan Bates in it and I mentioned to him that one of my business competitors looked like Alan Bates, "except not as good-looking," and boy did he drop my hand. Hypocrite. It obviously bugged him.

bettybean 10/19/2012

Thanks redfern1966. It's amazing what they can brainwash us to accept,
isn't it? I've had the over the top flirtation thing done in front of me as well.
I used to always question myself so I rarely spoke up. And when I did, he
always turned it back on me.

Gah! It is so obvious to me now. But for years I didn't see the mind games
and manipulations for what they were. They definitely want to play by one
set of rules and have you play by another.

dadda11o 10/21/2012

I like what you said, Betty, about the toxicity. And yes, it does hurt at times to have been "accepting" of them when they were "acting normal" only to have the knife shoved into the back when events changed. But, even though for a time I felt stupid on many levels, including that of putting "my own needs first" I am glad that my acceptance was genuine. If it was hedged and I was keeping a "secret bank account" so to speak, where and how would I be any different? We can recover, despite the pain and agony and do our best to avoid future entanglements. They, on the other hand, likely will not ... there is something pitiful and scary to me when I realize my mother-in-law actually can't cry tears of say, sorrow or regret. That could be me and I am SO VERY THANKFUL ... the days I cry my eyes out may not always be my best days, but I can relate to others and try to be a help and encouragement because I KNOW sorrow and loss and can say that out loud. I don't like a lot of stuff I am going through, but even the shake up in relationships is informing me ... at the end of the day, I would much rather be able to pick up the phone and hear a friend's voice than have all the "stuff" of "success" and nobody true in my life.

deleted_user 10/22/2012

Betty Bean - Just wanted to say that your growing insights are a sign of recovery. I realized today I am finally getting over him in spite of a few back slides. I would never put up again with someone that disrespectful and pathetic they can't even keep their bad habits out of my sight. I laughed last night thinking about how he did nothing to inspire romance in me towards him in the long run. He knew what I didn't like and what was inappropriate. But in his mind, I think he felt I had no business noticing those things, let alone complaining about how it made me uneasy. The further I get away from him, the more time I get, the better I feel about myself, the more pathetic he seems and I can chuckle now instead of feel sad and confused.

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