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I was cruising around various sites, looking for some links actually for my daughter, on relationship evaluation. I came across some interesting info here and there and thought it might be appropriate ... food for thought or discussion and definitely, some hope and positivity. Have you ever noticed how "men are men" UNTIL they become "possibly Mr. Right" and then, we get weird inside, lose our self-confidence and all else. Not sure I'm expressing it quite right ... but sure the drift comes across. At least I can take comfort in knowing the opposite sex may be going through their own mental and emotional storms ... and it doesn't always show.
(This is from "Christian" site, but I think the material I'm using is not anything to do with religion, per se ... and I am putting the links in case you want to read more, but not as a tool of preaching ... I went to the author site, but the article linked back to the given site.)
http://www.cbn.com/family/DatingSingles/GuysPursue.aspx
"Mr. Fear of Rejection
As he begins to talk you realize that guys ponder way more than emotions. In fact, if what these guys say is true, emotions are just not enough. A guy may be interested in a girl and still do and say nothing. Why? Because guys believe there are more factors to consider than feelings.
One of these factors is the fear of rejection. One of the guys explains a time when he was bold enough to ask a girl out, but she said no. The no itself was hard for him to take, because he really did care for this girl, but what happened is that this girl went back and told all of her friends and they began to review all of his perceived strengths and weaknesses. By the time it was over not only did all of her friends know, but their friends knew and their friends' brothers knew that he asked, she said no, and that he was not tall enough for the average girl to really honestly consider. His chances with this girl were dead as was any future chances with any of her friends or most girls he knew within the area code. Due to the embarrassment and rejection he would simply rather not go through that again.
Mr. Not Financially Set
Another guy speaks up and points out that his main reason for not being active in the dating scene was that he felt he needed to be financially set before he could seriously commit to a woman. He begins to express how his parents struggled financially and how it put a lot of stress on their marriage. He would simply rather not set himself up to fail. If he could become financially secure, then he would feel much more at ease about being with a woman. In addition to this, he opens up and reveals that he believes most women want this. He expresses his insecurity that even though he has a decent job while still in grad school, that he still feels inept as a man because he could not support a woman even if he wanted to. “To pursue a woman, a guy has to be a man. He has to feel like a man. If not, what does he really have to offer?”
Mr. Doomsday
After the money talk subsided a man blurted out, “I don’t date simply because I’m not any good at it!” This guy was very straightforward and honest about the fact that he would rather put time into things he knew he was good at. He laid out a list of reasons why romance was simply not in his blood. His parents and many other relatives got married only to divorce in the end. His own relationships always ended in pain, and he was much better at so many other areas of his life. Why endure the heartache and waste his and some poor girl's time by starting something that most likely wouldn’t work out anyway? After his initial premise for singlehood ended, he got quiet. Under his breath you barely hear these words, “No one likes to fail…I don’t want to fail.”
Mr. I Hate Fairy Tales
“You’re right…no one likes to fail, but no matter what any of us guys do we will all do exactly that.” A guy says from behind his saddened, but stern eyes. He continues to convey how he feels that no matter how hard a guy tries, it won’t be good enough in the end any how. “I blame it on the fairy tales and romantic comedies,” He says. “There’s knights in shining armor, the biggest engagement rings ever, and guys that always know what to say.”
This strikes you a bit oddly. You have put numerous amounts of hours lamenting how media has affected the perception of the ideal beauty and the pressures you have likely felt with all of the super models on TV, yet it never really dawned on you how that same thing might be occurring for guys. What do fairy tales and romantic comedies say about guys? They should always dress nice, have a nice home (a horse and carriage is a nice perk), never be grumpy, be the perfect balance of sensitive and masculine, able to beat up 1 to 40 guys all by himself if need be, and, oh yes, he must always leave the toilet seat down, because he is the most thoughtful and caring man alive.
Mr. I Hate Fairy Tales backs this up with a personal story of how he once bought his ex-girlfriend 12 roses. However, she was hurt, because he did not get her lilies. She felt he should know her better than that, because lilies were her favorite flower…not roses. Many examples followed, but the final conclusion was that he did not feel that getting into a relationship would benefit him. He would always fall short of the ideal, and that just did not sit well with him.
Mr. Can’t Find What I’m Looking For
After hearing all of the things that had been uttered you realize there was one guy who had not yet talked. The entire time he just listened to the others. Some of the guys noticed as well and they asked him what his deal was. He said, “Nothing…I would pursue a girl, but I just have not found what I’m looking for.” The guys asked him what that was exactly. He answered, “It’s simple…I’m looking for the same things you’re looking for. I’m looking for… . ” All of a sudden the audio is lost; then the video also fades and you realize that your masculine passport is expiring.
You find yourself back where you started…in estrogenville. Except there’s something a little bit different about how you view the men in your life. The guy you once looked at with a bit of resentment for not calling doesn’t look like as big of a jerk. In fact, for all of the guys you know, you seem to have a bit more compassion for them, because you are more aware of the things they are walking through. They are not all big jerks who care nothing for you or your lady friends. They are guys -- flawed humans who just have not figured it out yet.
It was good to be a fly on the wall for just a moment, but you would really like to know what that last guy was going to say…what are guys looking for? Maybe next time. Maybe."
(This is from "Christian" site, but I think the material I'm using is not anything to do with religion, per se ... and I am putting the links in case you want to read more, but not as a tool of preaching ... I went to the author site, but the article linked back to the given site.)
http://www.cbn.com/family/DatingSingles/GuysPursue.aspx
"Mr. Fear of Rejection
As he begins to talk you realize that guys ponder way more than emotions. In fact, if what these guys say is true, emotions are just not enough. A guy may be interested in a girl and still do and say nothing. Why? Because guys believe there are more factors to consider than feelings.
One of these factors is the fear of rejection. One of the guys explains a time when he was bold enough to ask a girl out, but she said no. The no itself was hard for him to take, because he really did care for this girl, but what happened is that this girl went back and told all of her friends and they began to review all of his perceived strengths and weaknesses. By the time it was over not only did all of her friends know, but their friends knew and their friends' brothers knew that he asked, she said no, and that he was not tall enough for the average girl to really honestly consider. His chances with this girl were dead as was any future chances with any of her friends or most girls he knew within the area code. Due to the embarrassment and rejection he would simply rather not go through that again.
Mr. Not Financially Set
Another guy speaks up and points out that his main reason for not being active in the dating scene was that he felt he needed to be financially set before he could seriously commit to a woman. He begins to express how his parents struggled financially and how it put a lot of stress on their marriage. He would simply rather not set himself up to fail. If he could become financially secure, then he would feel much more at ease about being with a woman. In addition to this, he opens up and reveals that he believes most women want this. He expresses his insecurity that even though he has a decent job while still in grad school, that he still feels inept as a man because he could not support a woman even if he wanted to. “To pursue a woman, a guy has to be a man. He has to feel like a man. If not, what does he really have to offer?”
Mr. Doomsday
After the money talk subsided a man blurted out, “I don’t date simply because I’m not any good at it!” This guy was very straightforward and honest about the fact that he would rather put time into things he knew he was good at. He laid out a list of reasons why romance was simply not in his blood. His parents and many other relatives got married only to divorce in the end. His own relationships always ended in pain, and he was much better at so many other areas of his life. Why endure the heartache and waste his and some poor girl's time by starting something that most likely wouldn’t work out anyway? After his initial premise for singlehood ended, he got quiet. Under his breath you barely hear these words, “No one likes to fail…I don’t want to fail.”
Mr. I Hate Fairy Tales
“You’re right…no one likes to fail, but no matter what any of us guys do we will all do exactly that.” A guy says from behind his saddened, but stern eyes. He continues to convey how he feels that no matter how hard a guy tries, it won’t be good enough in the end any how. “I blame it on the fairy tales and romantic comedies,” He says. “There’s knights in shining armor, the biggest engagement rings ever, and guys that always know what to say.”
This strikes you a bit oddly. You have put numerous amounts of hours lamenting how media has affected the perception of the ideal beauty and the pressures you have likely felt with all of the super models on TV, yet it never really dawned on you how that same thing might be occurring for guys. What do fairy tales and romantic comedies say about guys? They should always dress nice, have a nice home (a horse and carriage is a nice perk), never be grumpy, be the perfect balance of sensitive and masculine, able to beat up 1 to 40 guys all by himself if need be, and, oh yes, he must always leave the toilet seat down, because he is the most thoughtful and caring man alive.
Mr. I Hate Fairy Tales backs this up with a personal story of how he once bought his ex-girlfriend 12 roses. However, she was hurt, because he did not get her lilies. She felt he should know her better than that, because lilies were her favorite flower…not roses. Many examples followed, but the final conclusion was that he did not feel that getting into a relationship would benefit him. He would always fall short of the ideal, and that just did not sit well with him.
Mr. Can’t Find What I’m Looking For
After hearing all of the things that had been uttered you realize there was one guy who had not yet talked. The entire time he just listened to the others. Some of the guys noticed as well and they asked him what his deal was. He said, “Nothing…I would pursue a girl, but I just have not found what I’m looking for.” The guys asked him what that was exactly. He answered, “It’s simple…I’m looking for the same things you’re looking for. I’m looking for… . ” All of a sudden the audio is lost; then the video also fades and you realize that your masculine passport is expiring.
You find yourself back where you started…in estrogenville. Except there’s something a little bit different about how you view the men in your life. The guy you once looked at with a bit of resentment for not calling doesn’t look like as big of a jerk. In fact, for all of the guys you know, you seem to have a bit more compassion for them, because you are more aware of the things they are walking through. They are not all big jerks who care nothing for you or your lady friends. They are guys -- flawed humans who just have not figured it out yet.
It was good to be a fly on the wall for just a moment, but you would really like to know what that last guy was going to say…what are guys looking for? Maybe next time. Maybe."
What do I mean? Well, my wife is a child of a true Psychopath. She has traits, but can also be childlike in a number of ways that are not all bad. When she's "bad"...there is a definite outflow of emotional energy that goes from me toward her. That's one type. Then, when she's "good" there is yet another outflow of emotional energy that has to go toward her.
There is extremely seldom where anything comes my way. Ya know??
I know what you mean about vulnerability. While I fantasize about it, crave it, desire it..."it" just ain't happening in my life. I'm 53 years old, but I don't feel it. But, on the other hand, my self assessment has diminished so much because I'm so drained all the time. I feel like my worth is to be just a life support to her.
Here again, I'm not sure what I'd ask for in a relationship were I to have the opportunity. There was something about our youthful love experiences that was not tainted or spoiled with the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil as it is today. That may just be the pain of growing up...or growing old.
I still haven't found what I'm searching for. But, there's a part of me that stands proud of what I've done over these years. I guess when they place me in the ground, it really won't make any difference anyway.
I'm astounded as to how what seemed like innocuous decisions...all those years ago...have yielded a harvest of disappointment in life overall. It's not what it was...it's what it's become that hurts me so much today.
She had a cutting incident a few years back. I had to have her hospitalized and, after a 72 hour holdover, I took her on the way home to one of our favorite restaurants. I led her toward the door from the car and I looked back and she was standing by the car...chin trembling...tears pouring. I remember the day exactly and vividly. She apologized profusely and I just cradled her face in my hands and told her that things were going to be alirght...that she needed to relax...and "let's eat".
I think you are right in thinking you NEED something healthy, you are right. And I notice quite a few places in these responses about needs; something we often put off or ignore, gaining a feeling of valuation (never validated, too often). When you talked about change, you are right; it is often a hard thing, even when you initiate it yourself. Mostly because of the "vicious cycle" as I think of it. Some time ago, I posted on moving your kitchen trash ... which most everyone has. Even though you moved it, made the conscious decision, you will find yourself heading back to the "old spot" for the first few days, often. And of course, your partner and others will be watching, ready to pounce the moment they see where you are headed ... and just as you remember. They pounce, you react and "off to the races".
I was struck, when I read this list, of how many of the reasons men give, I can relate to. It's so much easier to (and even when you know you are being genuine and honest) reassure a friend; when it is your own life and hopes on the line, even the truth cannot always squelch shaky knees and fears that grip me. How I hate that. I have been very glad to see your contributions, because I really get the impact that there are a lot of similar emotions and such in men and women, but the expectations and all that placed on our "roles" really does a number on our heads and behavior.