Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Sadly, I am in the process, long considered, of going no contact with my daughter.
I divorced my N/P H 4 years ago, after a long and messy divorce. She has been angry with me, and I thought very stressed by all that happened, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She did not give me the benefit of the doubt. Even after seeing what her father is really like, when she had to deal with him on her own, and seeing what I am really like living with me on my own, she still treats me badly and like it is all my fault.
She has had a lot of life problems. Our psych and custody evaluator said she could not be abused since she did not show the signs. Well, she meets most of them now. Her life has not been what was envisioned pre-divorce.
Now she has started verbally attacking me, challenging my personality and my decisions or care of her. (I spend most of my focus over the last few years on my kids.) She has tried to manipulate relatives of mine and my boyfriend. She seemed to think she could fool these people and I would not find out what she did. Wrong on both counts. She minimizes my good qualities and accomplishments. She is obsessed with herself, personal pleasure, fun and entertainment, and staying on the move. Others who work with teens say she is far more narcissistic than the usual teen. Her older and longer-term friends seem to be dropping away. With the ongoing anger, even after understanding more who I am and who her N/P father is, and with the narcissistic behavior and personal attacks, I have decided I can't and do not have to take this from an adult child, and can not take narcissistic abuse from another generation.
I've been facing this possibility for over 2 years. At first, it was horrifying. I was uncertain whether I was seeing her right, but subsequent behavior has made it clearer and clearer until I can no longer miss it.
I guess I just wanted to share with the group, and let people know that sometimes it turns out this way. Does anyone else have experience with going no contact with N or P children of N or P spouses/SOs? The way I feel, I'll check in with her when she's a few years older and maybe has more perspective and growth.
I divorced my N/P H 4 years ago, after a long and messy divorce. She has been angry with me, and I thought very stressed by all that happened, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She did not give me the benefit of the doubt. Even after seeing what her father is really like, when she had to deal with him on her own, and seeing what I am really like living with me on my own, she still treats me badly and like it is all my fault.
She has had a lot of life problems. Our psych and custody evaluator said she could not be abused since she did not show the signs. Well, she meets most of them now. Her life has not been what was envisioned pre-divorce.
Now she has started verbally attacking me, challenging my personality and my decisions or care of her. (I spend most of my focus over the last few years on my kids.) She has tried to manipulate relatives of mine and my boyfriend. She seemed to think she could fool these people and I would not find out what she did. Wrong on both counts. She minimizes my good qualities and accomplishments. She is obsessed with herself, personal pleasure, fun and entertainment, and staying on the move. Others who work with teens say she is far more narcissistic than the usual teen. Her older and longer-term friends seem to be dropping away. With the ongoing anger, even after understanding more who I am and who her N/P father is, and with the narcissistic behavior and personal attacks, I have decided I can't and do not have to take this from an adult child, and can not take narcissistic abuse from another generation.
I've been facing this possibility for over 2 years. At first, it was horrifying. I was uncertain whether I was seeing her right, but subsequent behavior has made it clearer and clearer until I can no longer miss it.
I guess I just wanted to share with the group, and let people know that sometimes it turns out this way. Does anyone else have experience with going no contact with N or P children of N or P spouses/SOs? The way I feel, I'll check in with her when she's a few years older and maybe has more perspective and growth.
The best advice I've ever received for peace of mind on how to be with people:
1) Meet them where they are at
2) Be at peace with your side of the interaction with the person
Strength to you!
I did not cut her off FB, but that is an interesting suggestion, especially as you mention that she enjoyed following. It sounds like both daughters are/were struggling because they've grown up with mixed styles (genes?) and (I think) even when they might actually start "getting it" that there is a toxic parent, there is still going to be a lot of ambivalence (and hurt). Anyway, mine would actually SOUND LIKE him, to the point of using similar phrases. It was horrible and I couldn't (and didn't) take it.
Later on, and even now, I'm pretty certain that both my daughters are suffering to some degree from PTSD. I think their father (and other relatives) likely are NPD, but go beyond that. I've noticed that when things come up touching on the past, THAT is where "irritability" and arguments start flaring. I've been able to talk this through to some degree with my younger daughter; seems to be the urge to avoid and when someone "triggers", yeah, lash out. So we've been able to talk through some things with the recognition (that we ended up escalating each other to the point of breakdown or worse) but I still see the avoidance.
I'm hoping you're still around; I'd like to hear if things are going well with you, both personally and with your daughter ... miss you!
Respect sister!!.