Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
Today I was told by two good friends, that they can't believe I am still so full of anger. I've been divorced a year and a half and I just have not let go of all the bad memories. I thought to myself, "that is very true, I feel it and live it everyday in my mind....I just thought that this was a well kept secret. But they knew, and they told me.
It came up because they wanted to go out and do something fun for the weekend. I am in no mood to do that, for that might mean meeting and socializing with the opposite sex and honestly, I know it's a waste of my time. I don't want to do that. It's not that I am hanging on to the love I had for my ex husband. It's because the thought of making that baloney small talk, of even hearing the voice of a male and watching the swagger that men put on when meeting "New Meat" makes me ill. I can't do it and be excited about it, or find the fun in it, or be casual about it. I rather stay home and have some friends over. Women friends.
The thing is, is that I am lonely. Closing the office and hearing everyone else have plans for the weekend, hearing whose husband has to fix the car, or go to the football game, makes me sad. But the truth is even when I was married to my ex, I never had all those normal plans either. I walk in my door now, to a quiet house, and then when I was married, I walked into a house filled with a silent treatment most of the time.
What the heck is wrong with me.? What do I want? I pray and ask God to help take this bad tumor in me out!!! It just doesn't leave. And I know that until it does, I am going to go nowhere, feel nothing, and not enjoy the Golden years.
I am not saying I don't enjoy my family. I do. I laugh at the office all the time. I am constantly joking with the co workers. I enjoy my company, but it's always women friends. But inside the anger is there. I know it.
I wanted him to love me....he didn't. I didn't want him to be Narcisstic....but he is. I can't change neither of those two things.
And it bugs the hell out of me that he seems to have this normal life with HER. He really seems to be different with her. I think should I dare say it...that he has real feelings for HER. And I know she loves him.
And he is not alone on weekends and I am. He should be alone....I shouldn't. But this life is just not fair. I am so angry that I let what happened to me, and my marriage go as long as I did. I am so mad that I let him get away with so much. I am so mad that I taught him how to be with someone else. And I am mad that this past month messed me up, and brought me back to square one.
I will do more research this weekend and literally write down on a paper on every trick and suggestion on how to "let it Go" and "let God". To push myself to do something normal in the outside world even if I hate it. I don't know what that is, but there has to be something to make me forget that I was ever married to him.
It came up because they wanted to go out and do something fun for the weekend. I am in no mood to do that, for that might mean meeting and socializing with the opposite sex and honestly, I know it's a waste of my time. I don't want to do that. It's not that I am hanging on to the love I had for my ex husband. It's because the thought of making that baloney small talk, of even hearing the voice of a male and watching the swagger that men put on when meeting "New Meat" makes me ill. I can't do it and be excited about it, or find the fun in it, or be casual about it. I rather stay home and have some friends over. Women friends.
The thing is, is that I am lonely. Closing the office and hearing everyone else have plans for the weekend, hearing whose husband has to fix the car, or go to the football game, makes me sad. But the truth is even when I was married to my ex, I never had all those normal plans either. I walk in my door now, to a quiet house, and then when I was married, I walked into a house filled with a silent treatment most of the time.
What the heck is wrong with me.? What do I want? I pray and ask God to help take this bad tumor in me out!!! It just doesn't leave. And I know that until it does, I am going to go nowhere, feel nothing, and not enjoy the Golden years.
I am not saying I don't enjoy my family. I do. I laugh at the office all the time. I am constantly joking with the co workers. I enjoy my company, but it's always women friends. But inside the anger is there. I know it.
I wanted him to love me....he didn't. I didn't want him to be Narcisstic....but he is. I can't change neither of those two things.
And it bugs the hell out of me that he seems to have this normal life with HER. He really seems to be different with her. I think should I dare say it...that he has real feelings for HER. And I know she loves him.
And he is not alone on weekends and I am. He should be alone....I shouldn't. But this life is just not fair. I am so angry that I let what happened to me, and my marriage go as long as I did. I am so mad that I let him get away with so much. I am so mad that I taught him how to be with someone else. And I am mad that this past month messed me up, and brought me back to square one.
I will do more research this weekend and literally write down on a paper on every trick and suggestion on how to "let it Go" and "let God". To push myself to do something normal in the outside world even if I hate it. I don't know what that is, but there has to be something to make me forget that I was ever married to him.
I hate it that I am the one having to deal with loneliness for my birthday for the holidays while he was having a blast with the OW. She thinks he is perfect O_O! how come he can treat me like I am worse than crap and still have his ways O_O really I don´t understand. I feels like the whole universe helped him finding someone who loves him, and everything is good for them…
All of this makes me wonder if all the abuse was real… or if it was just me… I read on the forums that these gyus are like a time bomb… he showed his true colors very early in my relationship with him… and I feel it is not the same for her she is getting anything but good treatment I don’t know that but I assume…how come he gets to find the love of his life right away??? O_O reallyyy??? Never mind all the issues a couple has to go trough and all nooo they deal with it with flying colors.
If I go treating people like crap, putting them down, being arrogant do you think life gets me what I want at my feet? hell no!! I pay for what I do and regret everything, but no mi ex is like a god O_O reallyyyy???
Where can I contact universe management want to have a serious talk with them asap!!!!
What is worse I have made a fool out of myself trying to ruin things for them not in a noticeable way for them but I feel awful all the same… and I feel hopeless there is nothing I can do…
I know he treated me badly I know I would have suffered if I had married him I know but still this anger doesn´t go away…I really want to date, I had a guy wanting to be with me really nice guy but it didn’t work out cause I didn´t like him physically there was no spark and I was praying for this relationship to work for me to fall for him but you can´t rush love…
Healing from these types of relationships, you have to provide your own closure because you will not get closure from an NPD and you will frustrate yourself to no end chasing after it. You have to figure out your own way to do that, but once you do, you will know it and breath a huge sigh of relief.