PLease please please...can we get one thing very very clear...when they find new supply..and when it all looks rosy new and different from afar..and when it looks like you may have been the problem..because hes doing so good with a new victim...can I please please just say...

Thats NOT the reality..the new supply will always 100% sure..end up with the same nasty loser you ended up with..they might be in some kind of fake false honeymoon stage? but please know..its not real..and it just as doomed...I actually feel true pit for my exes new victim..she is going to discover who he truly is..after a very fake and misleading intro period..

When you realise..that you are on truth very lucky to be away from him..you'll stop caring about what hes doing now..and you'll just be very very glad that he has now moved on..well away from you..no matter where..or how..

Its a very lonely road..after leaving an abusive 'ex'...we have to start all over again..while also still needing to learn to recover ourselves..and we need to work very hard..to regain our sense of self love..

Though its a much much more lonely road..remaining in a relationship with an abusive and uncaring narcissist..

Its very very hard to fully let go and put them well in our past.and its very very hard to recover and refuse to feel for the heartless narcissistic ex..

When you fully realise..that none of it was/is your fault..and when you fully realise that their behaviour made normal and good..impossible..

When you realise that abusive narcissists..will never change..

When you decide..they are in your past..and that your future is in learning to heal from them..and moving on..

You're very lucky to have friends now..who want to help you..and take you out..

I would say..go out even if you don't feel like it? They say the more you practice something...the easier it gets/becomes..

One day..your ex will be a very distant memory..In the meantime..please try to keep practising letting go..

Its very hard to re enter life after they break all trust you have..but you can do it!

If I could..you could..

Time to wipe him out of your life full time..and time to make sure..that you have NO contact at all..with him..thats called NC (no contact) and it works..

Hope that you can learn to stay in the now..as thats all..anyone of us ever will have..to call our own..

And a real and decent woman..will be yours..once you are ready :)

Thankfully we can break the cycle, even though I feel that I am always going to struggle with insisting to myself, that I am worthy valuable and lovable..I am so grateful that there is such a thing as counselling.

Apols..meant real and decent man..typo error!

“Holding onto anger... is like drinking poison............. and expecting the other person to die.”

I looked at your profile. You haven't been divorced that long. It takes longer to move away from a Narcissist. I was divorced Dec in 2007 after a 33 year marriage. These last six years were hard but I'm finally free of the ex financially. Well, I will be free of him this coming week. The farm was deeded to me a year ago this past July and I have been paying the mortgage for almost 9 years. I don't hate him but now I'm indifferent to what he is doing. Thank goodness he now lives in another state with his new wife. I feel for what she will be going through. I know how he isolates, drinks too much and she wants a child. He doesn't like or want children. None of this was her fault and I hope she gets that child she wants.

I can tell you that what my ex did to his first wife he did to me and every other woman he cheated with. Your ex will do to this new woman what he did to you. He may seem happy and in love but it will take him time to manipulate so he can start to use the new woman the way he did you. If you are that angry see if you can channel it to do something good for yourself. I managed to do that with the farm I live on.

Yes, no contact will help a lot. I'm finally no contact with the ex and life is much better. I do hope you are seeing a good counselor. I'm still seeing mine almost 7 years after my divorce. The ex turned so vindictive as soon as the divorce papers were signed that I stayed in counseling. My therapist is like an old friend and whatever I say stays in his office. He's even given me suggestions on ways to improve this farm.

But do go out with your friends. You can be polite to the men your friends meet and still not have anything to do with them. But please don't isolate yourself.

Dear Vonnie,

I must have read your post about 30 times last night, in the wee hours of the morning. It made alittle dent. After reading almost every single night on the computer about this Narcisstic behavior, your post, clued me to your words. With every please, please that you wrote, I could actually picture you sitting infront of me and seeing your hope that I WILL GET IT!!!!

You know when I served my ex with the divorce papers, I was at work and he was at home. I was so nervous to walk in that door when I came home. His reaction was, "Do you know what you did? You did the best thing for me? You gave me the greatest gift? Because now I have the opportunity to be loved, and loved some more" I never forgot it. I just walked away and closed my bedroom door. And from that point on, this man made an about face for the next 18 months as we proceeded with the divorce. He never got vindictive like so many have reported on this forum. All of a sudden there was no more silent treatments, no more yelling, no more put downs. He was nice and civil, and of course wanted sex because I was still his wife. Sometimes I caved, because I was so confused ....was I doing the right thing? Was it not as bad as I thought? But I kept pushing forward because yes, it was 13 years of horror for me. Fighting, screaming, isolating, being punished, lies, betrayal. I felt at times that he was training himself to be another person for the next victim. I kept telling people that.

I don't think in a million years he thought I would go through with it. But I did. And during this process where he remained in the house until the very end, is when he met the OW. At a dance club. Actually the same place he met me 18 years before. And step by step I watched him do the same things with her, (the love bombing) as he did with me. For sure, I thought I was the only stupid woman on earth that fell for such baloney, but No, there are plenty out there that are like me. I see.

I didn't think it would last this long. He moved out, got a new house, and created the exact life that we had for himself and now him and her. Even though he had me and another wife before me that he did the same things to, I began to doubt...I thought he has changed, and he learned and all the lessons he learned he is now applying to her because honestly he doesn't want to go out searching again at his age. And the more that I believed this now new theory, the anger just kept getting larger in my head and heart.

I began the pity party....Evil doesn't always get evil, I thought. Why am I the one alone and hurting still. But then that line you wrote, :Anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies" Oh, boy did that get to me. It was the truth. I am filled with this anger and waiting for justice and hoping to see him on his knees in pain with loneliness. Regretting what he did to me. But the Narcisstic don't have those feelings, and the mask he wears on the outside is for show, and I forgot that.

I also realized reading Trisha's comments that I had the No contact thing all wrong. I thought I was doing that for 7 months. And it was better for me. But now I realize that No contact doesn't just mean, not seeing or speaking to him. It also means not watching HER. (It's too damn easy, her being in my neighborhood). What she is wearing, and how she did her hair, and is her car packed for her weekend at his house. That is no contact. I thought because she didn't know, and he certainly had no communication with me, that I was fooling everyone. But I was just causing damage to myself. No contact means ....no gathering information on anyone involved. And I think that was my biggest mistake.

And then after 7 months, seeing him over some school taxes that was sent to his house by mistake, hearing his voice, seeing his behavior, and seeing his new house and a picture of THEM together on the coffee table. It just set me back, two years. That is all it took, two visits of seeing him and I was a mess again. (You will have to look on other posts to know what I am talking about)

You both made a dent in my life. I promise not to forget that he is who he is, and maybe the act is alittle better and alittle longer, it doesn't mean a thing. I will stop drinking the poison. I did start making the list of things to do and try to get back into creating a life for ME. It's a list, so far and we will see how that goes but I am going to try.

I read somewhere that when you obsessed over the past, the man, the marriage, It is not love you are feeling but indeed an obsession and it's like a Dog returning to his own vomit. I think that is what I've been doing since the divorce. Going over and over things, memories, conversations, good and bad. I created a whole movie script in my head of him and her together. I kept drinking the poison.

Thank you both. I have alot of work to do. And Trisha, No, I never went to counseling but I am ready for that too. I just want to get better.

Counselling rocks. You do get there in the end, no matter how impossible it seems.

Ns never give closure. You have to get that yourself.

Ns never make sense. Don't even attempt to make sense of nonsense.

So true the OW is sitting on a ticking time bomb.

Once you see his behaviour was nothing to do with you, that is him, I hope you feel relief and peace that he's not in your hair anymore.

And then, be so gentle and kind to yourself. Little things, like eating well, hanging out with decent people.

You will get there, I know you will.

There's no explaining how confused an N can make you, unless you've been through it.

And we all have. From embarrassing begging for them to return to crying to feeling like you're going insane.

There's so much light at the end of the tunnel, I promise xxx

I go through exactly the same emotions, I totally understand. I oscillate between anger and depression, depression is just anger turned inward and unexpressed so that makes sense I guess.

I also have the same feeling of being lonely but then also realising as I am listening to other peoples' plans that if I had been with my ex narcissist I wouldn't have been going home for the weekend to kick back and relax with him. I would also have faced the prospect of mind games, guessing what kind of day he had, silent treatment for no reason, the worry of whether he would pick a fight or say something nasty, having to lie to him about simple things like seeing my family because he didn't like them . . . ugh. So much trouble.

I think the anger is like a wave it rises up and dips down, I have times when it feels like anger is the only thing in me and then times when it dissipates. It sucks but I really think it's healthy to feel angry. I mean who wouldn't feel angry after being involved with a narc? Over time the fog clears and all you see is the pain and the fact that they might treat someone better in the future really hurts bad.

I don't think your ex has changed. My ex took a good five years before he fully revealed himself and I saw the monster he was. He was deliberately keeping an act up to show his exes before that they were wrong. No one can act forever, they eventually lose it and need to abuse the woman. We were all the shiny new play thing once over - then discarded. The new woman is no different.

btw my family and the one friend I have left (my ex pretty much destroyed my circle of friends) tell me to move on, get over it, build my life up . .. blah blah blah. They just don't get the fact that the relationship was so confusing, painful and traumatic that just moving isn't possible, there's a lot of self love and healing that needs to happen. Time, space, finding ourselves x

Thanks to all you ladies. It always amazes me that just when I think I am totally nuts, I hear from so many that they too go through the same thought process, and so many hearts have been broken by the Narcisstic behavior.

Today I went to his sister's who is dying of cancer. She is in bad shape and very alone, not being married. Other than me visiting weekly, is also her daughter. No one else. Now my ex lives about 15 minutes away, but only visits for an hour maybe once every 6 weeks. He treated me no differently when I was sick. He doesn't go out of his way for anyone but himself ....not even his children. He thinks a phone call is all he needs to do. This has been going on since February with his sister, and he hasn't done a thing for her. Takes her to no doctor appointments, doesn't know how to buy her food, or diapers, ....nothing. That is left for me and her daughter to do. I love his sister. She has always been one of my biggest fans. And she so looks forward for my one day with her a week. And it feels good to put a smile on her. I am there at least 8 to 9 hours for the day.

When I leave, I always think that once again he gets away with doing nothing for anybody but himself. And it seems like that is okay with the Lord and the anger builds again.

I came home, read alittle, made two phone calls to friends, and went to sleep early. Sleep seems to come very easily for me these months, because it's a way for me to shut down my thoughts.

But today, I am having my cousin come for dinner. There will be nice chit chat, and I will be kept busy preparing. And tonight I will attend my granddaughter's basketball game. And another day will pass. It's been a week since I had his phone blocked from calling me and it has been nice not to worry everytime the phone rings that it might be him. That was a good step with my No Contact theory. He doesn't know anything about texting or the computer so I never have to worry about that.

But this week, I will look into getting some counseling. I need to shut down my thoughts, to find a way to accept that he has a new life, I should not be sitting around waiting for the Karma to get him, and I should accept that it's over, and to figure out what to do for me, to begin again.

I honestly didn't make a step towards that end since the divorce. All I did was think of him, wallowed in self pity, planned revenge in my head all the time, gathered information about HER and it all took up every waking moment of my time for 18 months. It's been sick. I made not have seen or spoken to him in 7 months, but he controlled me still...every minute of the day and I realize that now. Wish me luck, because I am on a mission!!!

Hi Crazy2, first, I think you should change your username lol because you are nowhere near crazy, that was just what he created...he made you feel crazy...don't own it! Just a thought.

But I completely understand your anger. I was with a sociopath for 10 months, it is now a year later since I dumped him and it is just now that the anger is starting to dissipate. I am grateful for this because anger is all-consuming. I literally tried to make it my mission to ruin him and took every possible course of action I could think of to do so. But really it was destroying me inside and no action I could take would make that any better. The best course of action is focusing on yourself and your own healing.

I understand too what it feels like to watch his new victim being pursued and love-bombed and treated like gold. But make no mistake, I call her the new victim because she IS a victim, whether she knows it yet or not. I had spyware on his computer which helped me prove a lot of what I already suspected and gain the strength to leave, but leaving didn't stop me from watching the subsequent train wreck. He spent 3 months love-ombing me again trying to hoover me back. And when it didn't work I watched one night as he desperately searched through unknown women's profiles on facebook looking for his new victim. Once he found one he thought would be perfect he proceeded to charm her socks off. She lives in another country (the country he is originally from) and she didn't meet in person until 3 months after he initially found her. So he had plenty of time to charm her and build up fantasies in her head. He planned on marrying her the first time he met her, but something prevented that from happening. Meanwhile I was trying to warn her and sending her information on N's and P's to try and open her eyes. It didn't work. He spent another 6 months upon his return to this country love-bombing her more, and just returned to his country again for his 2nd visit with her and married her. That's some hardcore work he did to get a woman to marry him upon their 2nd in-person meeting. But she thinks she knows him. Here he is married to her, yet he still has pictures of him with all his exes (including me) on his facebook account. He is a collector. So no matter how rosy it looks on the outside, KNOW that she will eventually go through ALL the same things that he put you through. Of that there is NO DOUBT.

I understand isolating yourself and clinging to that anger. But maybe you can take baby steps to gradually open up to other things. I am not saying dating other men, which of course you can do again once you have healed and feel ready, but just learning to be social again. I had to force myself to do this too. I am an introvert by nature but when I also feel mistrustful of people on top of that, it can lead to feeling pretty lonely. I started going to meetup groups, which include both men and women. And this has helped me see not all men are pure evil. We meet in groups, and it is all purely on a friendly basis. You could even bring a friend if you like to help you feel more comfortable. Meetups (meetup.com) are great because you can do activities you enjoy and just have normal conversation with people and maybe make some new friends in the process. It is not focused on dating at all and the men tend to be pretty respectful for the most part in befriending women rather than looking at them as "meat" like men in bars tend to do. I would encourage you to try something like this, just to change the tides a little and push yourself out of the isolation.

I would also recommend not speaking to your friends too often about everything you've been through. We tend to think of friends as supportive people we can talk to about everything. And they are. But unless they have been through the same things they cannot possibly wrap their minds around it all. I realized my one close friend was being forced into a counselling role with me because I couldn't stop talking about my ex, everything he did, everything I felt, etc. Of course she saw that I was angry, and she obviously knew I wasn't over everything that happened, but friends also like to go out and have a good time without always having the "ex" discussion, and many can't understand why we are STILL talking about it. They lose the supportive role and start thinking they need an intervention to help you get over it, leading to the "why are you still such an angry person" questions and a general feeling of concern. It is best to talk about these things with either trained therapists or people who have been through or are going through the same things as you, such as on this forum. Then you can save your time with your friends for more enjoyable times and fun socializing.

I did the same as you. In my plans to ruin him I gathered every possible piece of information about him that I could. I reported him on every online "don't date him" site that I could find. I contacted his new victim many times with information. I reported him to immigration officials here etc. It didn't make the anger go away, it only fueled it. Since I have stopped doing these things I am finally finding some freedom again! I'm finally feeling light again and not overwhelmed by constant anger consuming me. Vonnie is absolutely right...no contact is not just stopping communications, it is stopping watching, spying, thinking and wondering about them, who they are with or what they are doing. That is when we can totally be free of them. It is not about them...it is about us, and allowing ourselves to heal.

Hi Eternity75,

Thank you for this post, it helps knowing that you aren't alone in anger. It is difficult, especially when they go right into another relationship (or had it going before they even moved out), it doesn't seem fair that they can get away with everything. I know its probably not true, but sometimes i struggle with wondering if he will be normal with the new woman? And then you can't help but wonder if you will be alone forever? especially if your older. I guess that's where i am right now, alone and trying to heal and get rid of the anger. It doesn't help matters that he stole alot of my belongings and I can imagine he will give them to her as gifts!! Thats how he is, what a low-life. She is using the things that i bought for myself!!
Do you believe it to be true that they always return at some point? At the end, I called mine out on his behavior and sociopath, so I'm hoping he never returns, but I suppose no guarantees!

Thank you to everyone for their insight and encouraging posts, it means everything! I don't feel so alone!!

Hi Sasha, I have read stories from N/P survivors where they have made contact 10 or 20 years later. I know for a fact that my ex has the phone numbers still in his phone of every single one of his ex girlfriends. I have suspect sometime in the future he will try to make contact with me again. The only reason he possibly wouldn't is I made every possible effort to expose him and make his life miserable. He tells everyone I caused him "a lot of trouble" lol (which most will say when you try to do this -expose them- they will run for the hills and never return) But I think over time they also "forget" that we caused them trouble or tried to expose them and they might possibly come to idealize the relationship in their minds because of their distorted thinking. Mine told me to leave him alone and let him be happy lol Yet despite not hearing from me last I knew he would still do searches for me online, facebook, and youtube to see what he could find. I have since stopped bothering to check. This isn't to say they "miss us" when they contact us, but they will try to test the waters, dipping their hook in the pond to see if we will bite. Anything to get more supply.

Yes my ex followed that pattern, contacted his ex girlfriend who he had trashed and smeared during the idealisaion period with me. He didn't get anywhere with her as had devalued and discarded her twice prior. Then he contacted me for a few weeks then onto dating sites. They only get in touch again to test if you will let them in, then the shit hits the fan because they are going to cause harm again. They enjoy seeing your rebuilt life come to a standstill then destroyed, control power x

Apols I had been away busy and don't get to look in here much these days....but so well said all...Its a helleuva journey...So true, that people after 'normal' break ups could never 'get'...some days its tentative steps forward, some days steps back..but you're always going forwards..and they're always going to be fading further into the past...Keep on going all...considering what they put us through...I think that you're all doing pretty amazingly well...hugs to all..

If you have been divorced a year and a half and your NPD met the OW during the divorce, then their relationship is about the same age. The OW is just another victim-in-the-making. It is just a matter of time.

There are so many variables when it comes to a relationship. How we are with any given person is also a reflection on how that person is with us and what type of person they are. My wife, in the beginning would often say that she didn't understand why I would stay with her when the first marriage didn't work out. Well, that would be because your first husband was a control freak, a drug user, a thief and a cheater. And I asked her bluntly "Which one of those things were your fault?" Obviously, none of those things were her fault. But an abuser wants you to believe that they are, because it could not be a flaw in them, even though every single one of us has flaws. Just not to that extent. Abusing someone physically and/or mentally takes the word "flaw" to a whole new level.

If you were married to an NPD, which part of his personality disorder was your fault? It is kind of a rhetorical question because you would have received him that way, pre-packaged. And he is still that same package even though he is now with someone else. My wife's ex-abuser has been married a little longer than we have. And it has taken longer for his true self to come out, but they now have big-time problems because he still drinks heavily, lies, etc, etc. Same behavior as before.

And I mean no respect, but not all men are the same any more than all women are the same. I realize there are bad women out there, but they obviously are not all bad. I hope that makes sense.